Let love be love.
Talk well and turn love into love.
"Hey, how did this spread again? Get to the point, why are you checking me! "
"I don't check you! How do I know how much money I have left? "
"Who let you pay back the money? You are controlling my life step by step! "
"I don't control your life, I'm cleaning up your life. Have you seen anyone who puts photos of his ex-girlfriend at home? "
"What's wrong with me at home? What is your way? "
"It affected my life. How does it affect your life? You don't have to look at it. Why did you burn it! "
"The photos of ex-girlfriends will be so important to you! Does it matter? I am very important! "
"I can't talk to you!"
"You stop! Where are you going? Send money to that woman so early! "
"Yes, I am more than her. I still have a bunch of women waiting for me to send money! "
"I will die if you leave!"
Click, the beer bottle broke all over the floor.
This is a clip from a movie "I want to be with you" a few years ago. The hero in it is a person who claims to have three principles: no initiative, no refusal and no responsibility for women. This makes the heroine feel particularly insecure, and then makes a series of things that hurt each other, such as checking her boyfriend's mobile phone, jumping off a building after a quarrel, smashing a car, and even installing a monitor at home to monitor her boyfriend's every move. Of course, the ending of this story is that the two go their separate ways.
I have heard and seen many similar love stories. They set out in the name of love, fell in love and killed each other on the way, and ended in death. Even though the rhythm and style are different, the main theme is unified.
I remember American screenwriter robert mckee once wrote in the story that when we write love stories, the most important question we have to ask is: "What will stop them?" The so-called resistance to love is often attributed to family status, class, a premeditated third party or force majeure from both sides' life circles in our lives, but few people say that it is the moment when we lack inner peace and sit down and chat from the inner aspects of love.
In all these intimate relationships, it seems that we often screw up our needs and attention out of love. Whether between parents and children or between husband and wife, many family lives seem to be difficult to talk about in daily life.
Even from a very young age, we will hear a very chaotic logic. I don't know what logic it is, that is, hitting is love, and scolding is love. Why? I don't quite understand.
I remember in the previous TV series "Hidden Corner", the mother breast-fed her son. The son said he was full, and when he wanted to drink later, the mother began to lose her temper. Finally, I drank the glass of milk like a victim.
"Now that you are grown up, can you take care of yourself?"
"You blame your mother for not taking care of you, don't you?"
"If your father is a responsible person. If he had not left us, today's things would not have happened. "
"Mom, I didn't ~"
Think back to those embarrassing moments in family life.
"If you have soaked your feet, you don't know how to get the bucket."
"Your room is a pigsty."
"Used things never know where to put them back."
"Don't come to me if you are disobedient and sick."
"What's the matter with you!"
There is also the most classic sentence, "Look at other people's children."
Let me give you a small but routine example. I don't know if you have.
I was afraid of catching a cold and getting sick when I was a child. What scares me is not taking medicine and injections, but that my mother scolds me for not paying attention to keeping warm and dressing. The common sentence pattern is: "I told you how to do it", and then I will change my voice on the way to get the medicine and curse the whole hospital corridor. So I always feel that being a child is really miserable, because doing something wrong not only bears the pain from the thing itself, but also bears the pain of being scolded by my parents because of it. Although we all know that this kind of blame is out of concern and love, this way of speaking will also subtly affect my communication style in intimate relationships.
When I grow up, I often can't talk well with my mother, especially about some new topics in the new era. I feel that I know a lot, and I am especially good at being a teacher, just like I have to complete the confrontation that I couldn't finish when I was a child. So today, I really want to talk to you about those moments when our relationship was close.
There are often many such scenes in life. Women are tired after a day's work, and want men to do the dishes, but what they blurt out is: "No matter what happens at home, they are in a hurry to do housework", and finally they rise to: "You will never think about doing more for this family". Or maybe the wife often gets together with friends, and the husband will get angry and say, "Why are there so many meetings?" In fact, in my heart, I just want the other person to spend more time with myself at home. It was originally the need of love, but in the end it made the other person very angry.
Psychologist Marshall Luxemburg believes that this is because for a long time, the foundation of our social governance is rooted in the idea that human nature is evil. Therefore, education and violence will be used to control nature, and punishment or reward will be used to dominate human behavior. He always tends to ignore the feelings and needs of others, which distorts the alienation in communication, so he puts forward non-violent communication. Maybe when you visit the bookstore, you will see this book "Non-violent Communication" on the bestseller list. You may have read it. He summed up a set of well-said formulas,
The first is observation, not judgment. For example, if one party doesn't do housework, you shouldn't directly judge the other party when communicating and say that you are lazy.
The second is to express your feelings, whether it is sadness or happiness. Is it anxiety or fatigue? We don't seem to like showing weakness, but in fact, showing weakness will only have a positive impact and help resolve contradictions.
The third is to say directly what you need and what you want. Then we make demands, not orders, and tell each other clearly what we want them to do. At this time, if your partner often gets together and comes home late, isn't it fun to complain about violence outside? Can't you stay with me a little longer? But to put it mildly, you have been coming back late recently, and I am not very happy, because we haven't spent the weekend together for a long time. Can you go to the movies with me this weekend? This process focuses on feelings and needs. Many of our communication failures are due to the fact that people often prefer to express criticism rather than express their feelings and needs directly, thinking that they hope the other party can understand their needs from their own criticism, but that is actually very hurtful.
In all interpersonal relationships, the formula of non-violent communication is very useful. Let's think back to those worries that make us uncomfortable, whether it's your parents' or your partner's. Are they all caused by such violent communication?
At the beginning of this year, I read an article in People, which talked about family communication in China. The point is, when you can say it euphemistically, you always ask questions. Obviously, I care about it, but I just blame it. If a person grows up in a bad environment for a long time, his brain will develop into a survival mode in order to adapt to the environment, so it is most likely to form two personalities. The first is withdrawn personality, and children will become introverted, closed, inferior and suspicious. The second is aggressive personality, children will become very irritable, irritable, full of hatred, and people who grow up in a family atmosphere where it is not easy to talk. When I grow up, I will also habitually ridicule and complain in intimate relationships.
For example, one day a very close friend said to me, "I have a cold recently, Barabara or something." The first sentence I replied was: "It serves you right, who told you not to pay attention to keep warm." This is exactly the same as the first feedback I received when I was sick as a child. Although my friends are only joking with me, if I really talk well to express my concern. She should feel warmer.
Tenderness in love
In a gentle living atmosphere, surrounded by tenderness, it is easier to become a warm and powerful person.
Someone once asked director Lu Qingyi, do your parents have so many touching qualities? What do you think has the greatest influence on you? He said: "It is gentleness, which can bring the best things in the world."
Lu Qingyi's documentary "Four Springs" won 12 the best documentary in the first Youth Film Festival, and was nominated for the best editing and best documentary in the 55th Golden Horse Award. Douban scored 8 points. It was shown in the cinema last year, which made Lu Qingyi at a loss, because his original intention of making this film "Four Springs" was to give it to his parents. Before, he didn't know anything about movies. A filmmaker didn't know him and didn't think about what he would be like. The greatest joy for him is that he finally came to the front of time and recorded the stories belonging to his parents.
Many people have read his parents' stories online before, and there is a very warm clip that one morning, Dad Lu cooked Chinese medicine for Mom Lu in the patio. This process is very long, and it is necessary to boil the decoction into a paste. Therefore, it is a very time-consuming and laborious thing to keep the fire small and keep stirring to prevent the sticky pot from burning. After a while, mother Lu came out of the kitchen, holding half-made shoes, and her reading glasses hung down to her nose. Quietly looking at dad Lu, who is stirring the medicine pot with a wooden shovel, Lu Qingyi wrote, her eyes became more and more gentle, raised her hand and touched dad's white hair, and said softly, "Your hair should be cut." Dad said, "Yeah." This response made her come to her senses, blushed and smiled, and said "thank you" in Mandarin. When mother says something difficult, she will switch to Mandarin. Dad said, "What are you thankful for?" She said humorously, "Thank you for your love." Dad smiled, too, then sighed and said nothing. I have never heard an old man express his love so directly. He paused and blushed, as if he had spied some secret and was afraid of being discovered. I gently turned off the camera and crept back to bed to lie down. After a while, my mother knocked on my door: "lazy, get up and eat!" " "I replied that I was trapped in a kind of tenderness that I couldn't get rid of all day.
Yesterday was the cold dew of solar terms, and the autumn cold in the north suddenly came. My mother cooks chicken soup at home until my father and I go home for dinner. I praised my mother's chicken soup as the best in the world, and it is a unique mother's brand chicken soup. My mother replied, "That's it." Eyebrows and corners of the mouth rise 15. "What are chestnuts in it?" Dad: "No, chestnuts are still hard." "That was the last time ~, now it's all soft, and it's full of my love!" I caressed my cheek and grinned gnome male-". The whole room is full of delicacy and tenderness. Dad, I'm going to be on duty at night. When he left, he said, "Baby, I'm leaving." I said, "Okay, baby, bye." Mom handed him the kitchen garbage in the back and sent him out. Every time my father goes to work, my mother sends him to the door. I don't know if this is true love, but it is very gentle.
Sometimes, what strength can't do, tenderness can.
Author's note:
This article "Let Love Be Love" is the second in the series of "Love" in literature and art. I don't know if you understand what I said. After all, it's a little long, but I can't bear to delete it. In the next article in the love series, I want to write about weakness/fragility in love. After all, love is an eternal topic that can be discussed for a lifetime. Haha, I hope we can all treat each other with love and be loved. Happy autumn!
A284？ literature and art
2020. 10.09