Zhao Benshan's fortune-telling songs

Characters:

Zhao Benshan plays Zhao Laogen, a 50-year-old fortune teller.

Song Xiaobao plays Bao Xiao (the child care of the fortune teller, an exaggerated and neurotic young man).

Liu plays (a stingy blind date)

Zhao Haiyan plays Haiyan (a kind single mother who has adopted several orphans).

Scene:

Park. There is a bench in the middle of the stage and two stone piers on the right.

Opening:

Zhao Benshan walked onto the stage (wearing antique sunglasses and holding a banner that said: Unpredictable), followed by Song Xiaobao.

Zhao Benshan (raising a glass to the audience): The social competition is too fierce now! The old lady sells a tea egg and has opened a store online! The little old man sells rat poison and has already started activities and small advertisements! Even legal couples have a third competitor fooling around! If my fortune teller doesn't take action, he will have to lose his job and go home to perform a duet! (Pause, to Song Xiaobao): Kid! I told you, remember everything? Do you know what to do in the future?

Song Xiaobao (rustic laughter): Grandpa! Remember! Isn't it just doing child care? Don't worry! Someone will come later, and I'll blow you off! Come down like a fairy.

Zhao Benshan (glaring at Song Xiaobao): I'm sorry! I am a fairy man, I am a sunshine fairy man!

Song Xiaobao (wriggling): Wrong! It's a fairy! I forgot you were a man!

Zhao Benshan (sternly): How many times have I told you! This is not called parenting. From an economic point of view, this is called "disguised promotion". Why are you so illiterate?

Song Xiaobao (apologetically): Oh, dear! Uncle! You are so cultured!

Zhao Benshan (proudly): That's right! ,,,, son! It seems that your eyes are unusually sharp! I am dressed so thick, but you can see that I am literate! ,,,, son! To tell you the truth! I only studied in grade one, and I have been studying for ten years! Other students have graduated from junior high school, and I am still studying hard in senior one! Do you think they can be as solid as I have been studying for ten years if they only study for one year in a grade? Can I be uneducated?

Song Xiaobao: Ouch! Uncle! You are so cruel! Have you been to the first grade ten times? I only fucked six! You are too willing to work hard!

Zhao Benshan: I only tried two courses!

Song Xiaobao: Which two courses?

Zhao Benshan: physical education class and lunch break! I studied day and night when I was a child! Take the first place every year! At that time, the teacher also liked me very much, but he just wouldn't let me upgrade. And often praise me! Hit me hard! Say that when my glasses close, it is a lunch break! As long as the glasses are open, it is physical education class.

Song Xiaobao: Grandpa! I know why you are a freshman in ten years! You're a sophomore, and you don't take the physical education class or the lunch break exam!

Zhao Benshan: Are you stupid? Is it necessary to pay a few more dollars for the second grade? I'm not as stupid as them! How cost-effective it is to go to the first grade! Save money!

Song Xiaobao (stunned): Wouldn't it be more economical for you to go straight home? (flustered) ouch! Come on! Uncle! Someone's coming!

Zhao Benshan: Remember! We can't reveal the truth in the future! (takes out 20 yuan money) Here you are! There is a commission after the job is done!

Song Xiaobao: Thank you, Grandpa! Uncle, you are so meaningful! You are so elegant!

Zhao Benshan: Go!

Song Xiaobao (End): Hey!

Zhao Benshan (hastily inserting the banner on the ground and sitting on the stone pier): Walking in the Jianghu depends on the brain, and the knowledge of the first grade is enough! You can eat, drink and have money with a pinch of your finger! Keep working hard, (put down the camera) I am very optimistic about this industry!

Liu and Zhao Haiyan came in shyly and sat at opposite ends of the bench.

Zhao Haiyan (shy): Fourth brother! I'm tired of walking! A little thirsty!

Liu (burying his face behind his back and rubbing his hands nervously): I'm not thirsty!

Zhao Haiyan: But I'm thirsty! Why don't you buy me an ice cream?

Liu: Fifty cents? Or a piece?

Zhao Haiyan: Anything will do! I'll eat whatever you buy!

Liu (suddenly realizing, turning around): Didn't I buy you one? Why eat again? ,,,, I have no change on me! There are only five dollars and ten dollars left! How to buy?

Zhao Haiyan: You are a man! ,,,, (more shy) Hey! Fourth brother! Go ahead! After we get married, will we live in your house or mine?

Liu: Of course I live in your house! The electricity bill there is always very expensive! 60 cents. Isn't your family only 55 cents? I don't have a TV at home either! I can still watch Altman every day when I live in your house!

Zhao Benshan (scanning the audience): The target has finally appeared! Or a pair of secondary discharges, although the charge is not strong, but it can still destroy the flame! If I don't take them down, I will help the United States repay its national debt!

Zhao Haiyan: So you're not afraid of being accused of pushing the door backwards?

Liu: I've inserted the door backwards twice. I don't care if I insert it backwards again! People put flowers in cow dung, and I put flowers in cow dung everywhere! Just get used to it!

Zhao Benshan: If you want to know what love is in the world, ask the old man to commit himself!

(Liu and Zhao Haiyan talk to Zhao Benshan! )

Zhao Benshan (the phone rings, answer it): (humming "home") DuDu! DuDu. Are you still running around because of bad luck? Are you still worried about bad feng shui? Are you still paralyzing your eyes for late love? The legendary psychic, to help you solve problems and predict past lives, please find the busy old root of Zhao Man. What are you hesitating about? Pick up the phone in your hand quickly. Mobile users can edit the short message "fortune telling" and send it to "demon turn, demon turn and cave turn" to participate immediately. (changing his voice, covering his throat) Do you like this bell? China Mobile Group CRBT Company,,, Hello! ,,, Hey! Hello! Hello! ,,,, Ah! ,,,, is accurate! Just be accurate! Ah! You are welcome! All right, all right! All right! If you have any questions, please call our post-calculation service hotline! Ah! Goodbye!

Liu: Fortune tellers use colored ringtones! There is also a post-calculation service hotline?

Zhao Haiyan: Hey! Fourth brother! Come on, let's do math, shall we? (walks up to Zhao Benshan) Master! What about fortune telling?

Zhao Benshan: Sister! What about blind date?

Zhao Haiyan (embarrassed): You! You! You fortune teller, why do you talk like that?

Zhao Benshan (angry, tough): Big sister! Why are you so illiterate? You can insult my people, but you can't insult my beautiful career! This is called "scientific prediction".

Zhao Haiyan: Ah! So, how do you measure it? how much is it?

Zhao Benshan: Sister! You are lucky today! Today is the 50th anniversary of my fortune telling! Let's promote activities! I'll give you a discount, 50!

Zhao Haiyan: How old are you? You've been telling fortune for 50 years?

Zhao Benshan: Ah! It has been 50 years!

Liu (walking around): What about the discount?

Zhao Benshan: 40

Liu (wondering): How come the discount is more than no discount?

Zhao Benshan: Ow! Other people's activities are discounted, this is playing inside! Our discount is for outgoing calls! It will be 50! ?

Liu: Then don't discount it!

Zhao Haiyan: That's too much! 30 yuan, a fortune teller from other places!

Zhao Benshan: 30! That's the membership price!

Zhao Haiyan (pushing Liu): Fourth brother! Let's go Forget it!

Zhao Benshan: You two, please stay! How about this! Let me give you a sweet and refreshing love package! Is past lives, plus your eight generations of ancestors, the trinity! Only charge you 100 yuan! And after the calculation, there are exquisite gifts to send!

Zhao Haiyan: Hey! This is still quite cost-effective, that is, it only costs 100 yuan! Give us presents? Is that what you mean?

Zhao Benshan: Ouch! Big sister! Your understanding ability is definitely better than preschool! Too advanced!

Liu: Can we enjoy the post-calculation service?

Zhao Benshan: Sorry! Only our VIP members can enjoy the post-calculation service! After-calculation service hotline is the value-added service of our VIP members!

Liu: No! We'll forget!

(Liu pulls Zhao Haiyan away and goes on stage with a banner that says: Zhuge is still alive, but he is already a fortuneteller. )

Song Xiaobao (excitedly): Grandpa! You are a wonderful hand of rejuvenation! Evil nemesis! Your calculation is too accurate!

Zhao Benshan (pretending to be modest): Son! Keep a low profile, keep a low profile, keep quiet! You just need to know! Don't let too many people know! Don't want to reveal too much!

(To Liu and Zhao Haiyan): Oh dear! You don't know, this uncle's calculation is really accurate! A month ago! My big cat is missing, so I can't find it! I am in a hurry! I thought to myself, this is probably who transferred to participate in that contest! The one who walks the catwalk (imitates the model), what's the competition?

Liu: Bikini Competition! Ah, no! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Song Xiaobao: Yes, yes, yes! That's it! Oh, dear! I was desperate! I have a jumping heart! Later, I asked my uncle to count my cat. The uncle pinched his finger and said! Young man! You didn't lose the cat, but fell in love with a mouse! Moreover, the mouse condition is not bad, with a car and a house, or a pilot! Don't worry, I'll be back in a month! Guess what? I really came back today! You think god is not a god?

Zhao Haiyan: Rats and pilots?

Song Xiaobao: Ah! Isn't the bat the pilot of the mouse? !

Liu: Then why don't you come back for a month?

Zhao Benshan: Did you go on your honeymoon?

Liu and Zhao Haiyan: Ow!

Song Xiaobao: So I made a banner to express my thanks to my uncle! (Hang the banner on the bench)

Zhao Benshan (patting his leg): Son! Why can't you keep a low profile? Why can't we keep it a secret?

Liu: Otherwise! Why don't we do the math? Just a cold set meal?

Zhao Benshan: Sweet and cool set meal!

Liu: Right, right, right! Here it is.

Zhao Benshan (excited, turn up the camera): Big Brother! You are so handsome!

Liu (angry): You are so handsome!

Zhao Haiyan: Hey! Are you not blind? You're not blind. What are you hanging here? Lying, right?

Zhao Benshan (stands up and walks around Zhao and Li): Are fortune tellers necessarily blind? So according to you, it must be the otaku who doesn't go out? People in the detention center don't go out every day, and some even don't go out once in their lives! So they're all otaku?

Zhao Haiyan: So when you advertise, don't you just want to predict past lives and ask the blind Zhao Laogen?

Zhao Benshan: Yes! Am I busy? I'm busy telling your fortune!

Zhao Haiyan: Busy people? Busy people are busy?

Zhao Benshan: Ah!

Liu: Stop nagging! How to calculate? Will you look at your hands first?

Zhao Benshan: I watch my mouth when others watch my hands! Open your mouth! Ah!

Liu (opens his mouth): Ah!

Zhao Haiyan: Look at your mouth only when you buy animals!

Zhao Benshan (looking at Liu): You are a dog!

Liu: How did you know I was a dog? !

Zhao Benshan: With sharp teeth and a tongue, it is definitely a dog, not a pig! And you are a stray dog!

Liu: What is a stray dog?

Zhao Benshan: That is to say, if you change the mainframe,,,,, more than once, it is equivalent to plugging the door backwards! You've stuck the door backwards more than once!

Liu: Ouch! Can all these be solved?

Zhao Benshan: You have four tusks. It seems that you are the fourth child in the family!

Zhao Haiyan: Hey! Yeah! He is old four, and his name is Zhao Si!

Zhao Benshan: Zhao San is your third brother!

Liu: Ouch! It's amazing! How accurate!

Song Xiaobao (pulling Zhao Benshan aside): Grandpa! how do you know How to calculate?

Zhao Benshan: I heard what they just said! I analyzed it with my great wisdom!

Liu: What else?

Zhao Benshan: You have a younger brother! His name is Zhao Xiaowu!

Zhao San: No! This is not right! I only have four brothers! No brothers!

Zhao Benshan (a brainwave): That's because your prisoner is too old to outrun your brother Dick! Let him throw it in the wrong place and call it the wrong mom!

Liu: Is that still my brother?

Zhao Benshan: Why not! You made your brother suffer! Let him reincarnate into a family with donkeys and be kicked by donkeys every three days! What a terrible kick! Cover up even drinking water! Lie in bed and let people carry you! Do you know why he is in such pain? It is because of your hard life that you are too old! Just take him away and reincarnate him in someone else's house to suffer!

Liu: Life imprisonment criminals are too old?

Zhao Benshan: Ah! Look! Tai sui crushed your hair!

Liu: I, I, I, I don't believe it!

Zhao Benshan: You don't believe it? Where have all your former daughter-in-law gone?

Liu: The first one ran away with someone else!

Zhao Benshan: What about the second one?

Liu: The second one keeps Sauvignon Blanc with others!

Song Xiaobao: Isn't that the same thing?

Zhao Benshan: This shows that you have a hard time! You want to! A good man like you is so extreme! I didn't expect to be so energetic again! Even the head is so domineering. How could they be stupid not to follow you? Unless there is only one explanation, that is, your life is too hard and they can't stop you at all! So they can only choose to escape!

Liu: Ouch! That's a great shot! Oh, dear! A thousand dollars is easy to get, but a bosom friend is hard to find!

Zhao Benshan: Big Brother! Haven't you had nightmares recently?

Liu (recalling): No! I just dreamed last night that a hunter was shooting rabbits with a gun! It's nothing!

Zhao Benshan (quietly): Oh dear! What do you mean nothing? This problem is really too serious! I hit a rabbit last night, and I will hit you tonight!

Liu: Then I didn't do anything to him! Why did he hit me?

Zhao Benshan: What did the rabbit do to him? Does he have to shoot rabbits? Didn't your brother ever mess with a donkey? Why does the donkey have to kick him?

Zhao Haiyan: What's the sign?

Zhao Benshan: This is his fifth brother who killed him in his dream!

Liu: Isn't my fifth brother still alive? How to give me a dream?

Zhao Benshan: Huh? Ah! His father-in-law helped him! You want to! You hurt the old man's son-in-law so badly, can people not shoot you?

Song Xiaobao: Uncle! Well done! You almost got it right!

Liu (fearfully): Isn't that a dream? I don't believe this evil! I only believe that the wolf can't beat Pleasant Goat every time! Evil triumphs over good!

Zhao Haiyan: Exactly! Fourth brother! It's not that serious, don't take it to heart!

Zhao Benshan: Big Brother! Your life is too hard. You have run away from all your relatives. Hard life not only kills people, but also destroys money! Look at your divination, you will lose everything today! Big brother!

Liu: Big Brother! You are so accurate! I really broke my shirt today and spent a dollar to buy her ice cream! Can you work it out? It's amazing!