Here are eight jokes for you, be careful not to laugh too hard.

01

On the bus, I heard a mother teach her son to recite a poem: "It is noon on the hoeing day, and my mother works hardest; she plays mahjong in the afternoon, and fights with landlords in the evening."

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02

A friend said that his wife was very lazy. When I asked what was wrong, he said that he lived on the third floor. Every time his wife bought something online, she would write: "Pregnant women with limited mobility, please deliver to your door!"

A few days ago, the delivery boy finally couldn't bear it anymore and shouted downstairs: "It's been three years! I've tolerated you for three years." Years! Are you pregnant with Nezha?”

03

Chatting with my son one day.

Me: Son, did you know that you cried very hard when you were born? I disturbed your father to death.

My son rolled his eyes at me: Oh, the first time I saw you, I knew I was born in the wrong child. Can I not cry sadly?

Me:...

04

A brother asked: "What pants should I wear to look younger?"

I answered: "I really can't think of anything that can make you younger than wearing diapers!"

05

A brother bought eye drops, took two drops when he got home, and closed his eyes. I rolled my eyes and opened them, it was pitch black, and suddenly I couldn't see anything.

Oh my God, what kind of eye drops did you buy? Two drops will make you blind! He immediately fell from his chair, kicked over the table, and cried loudly.

At this time, his wife scolded from the side: "You are getting more and more nervous, even a power outage will scare you like this!"

06

After the full liberalization of the second child... A student made a mistake at school. The teacher asked him to call his parents. The student said that his parents were not at home. Can his uncle do that? The teacher said yes.

The next day, he ran to school with his brother-in-law who had just turned one year old on his back...

07

My wife loves playing mahjong, how much does she love it? ?

Once, when he was ill and couldn’t take medicine or take injections well, he used the "facai" to cook a bowl of soup and drank it while it was hot. It was ready!

08

On the day of Xiaohan, the temperature dropped sharply. One of my friends was wearing less clothes. He passed by a store and saw the words on the door: mink 50 yuan a piece, down jacket 20 yuan. Summer clothes are 10 yuan a piece, children's clothes are 5 yuan a piece...

Then I walked in and picked out three down jackets and two mink furs, and gave the landlady 200 yuan without any change. Just leave!

The boss lady was like crazy, riding a big old bicycle with a big brick in her hand and yelling at her: "Stop, I am a dry cleaning shop...!" Classic phrases that make you laugh out loud

1. I once threw a brick, but it didn’t attract jade, but it did.

2. I admire myself so much that sometimes I I kowtow to myself every time I look in the mirror!

3. Some people believe in fate, while others do not. This is not surprising, but the difference is: those who believe in fate mostly do nothing, while those who do not believe in fate often achieve something.

4. If you leave, I won’t keep you; if you come back, I won’t take you in!

5. When you encounter setbacks in relationships, you should always take them on yourself and say lightly: It’s because I don’t have the talent for love.

6. The departure of the leaves is not the pursuit of the wind, nor the retention of the tree, but the arrangement of fate and natural choice; what should come will come, what should go will go, and sometimes leaving does not mean leaving. It doesn't mean the end, but - another beginning.

7. For those with impotence, premature ejaculation is just a luxury.

8. I know there are many people who like you, including me. But there are very few people I like, except you.

9. Don’t use past memories to torture yourself now.

10. This society is very cruel. When you make a mistake, no one will tell you and will only fix you secretly. As long as you don’t find out, you will suffer a lifetime loss...

11. People who understand you don’t need to explain. People who don't understand you don't deserve your explanation. Ignore those irrelevant comments and go your own way

12. When I wake up, I feel like double-sided tape that got stuck accidentally.

13. There is no way out, and the journey is as painful as the journey.

14. When I have nothing to do at night, I like to go out for a walk alone. Walking alone in the night, looking at the long shadows drawn under the street lights, I feel so lonely.

15. Although I cannot save all sentient beings, I can harm them.

16. When I saw the food in the canteen, I felt that if I ate it, I would be wronged, and if I didn’t, I would be wronged.

17. The beginning of the story: "I will give you happiness." The ending of the story: "I wish you happiness."

18. If marriage is the grave of love, then- -Dating is to look at the feng shui of the grave, confessing is to dig one's own grave, getting married is to commit suicide for love, falling in love with another person is to move the grave, and the third party is to rob the grave.

19. Sometimes a woman is unreasonable with you, basically because she loves you.

20. If you don’t have the ability to be a father, don’t let your woman get pregnant

21. Nations rely on guns, and people rely on money. The relationship between men and women depends on sleeping.

22. In this damn weather, if you want to eat anything, take it out and let it dry in the sun and it will be cooked~~

23. The children of the poor will be masters early, and the children of the rich will be officials early . Talk about mood phrases

24. You are safe and sound in the world without me, and I pretend to be strong in the world without you.

25. I log in to QQ, seemingly to wait for someone, but when I wait, I am speechless...

26. Mistress, you hold my man in your hand Are you proud? Let me tell you gently, what you have is the leftovers from my play.

27. English songs listen to the rhythm, while Chinese songs listen to the mood.

28. In the past, when talking about friends, you first asked if others have friends, but now you have to ask others if they are gay.

29. Thank you for your unfeeling and letting me learn to give up.

30. Before entering your space, I was still thinking about whether to delete the access record. After entering, I found that I couldn’t enter at all.

31. In this era, it’s okay to love fools, but never love nerds. Because a fool may be a genius in some aspect, but a nerd is definitely a fool.

32. Life is so damn fun, because life keeps playing tricks on me

33. It will be fun to be a pig in my next life, even if I am slaughtered

34 , In front of every university, there are most hotels and Internet cafes. Gao Fushuai goes to hotels at night, and losers go to Internet cafes at night. They came out at the same time in the morning, both holding their backs. The difference is that one is doing it and the other is sitting... Laughing phrases

1. Turn cheap things into priceless ones. The true royal way.

2. The train bound for hell has set off. Please do not disturb.

3. We cross other people’s paths and stop them halfway.

4. When you go shopping with me, you are only allowed to look at the products, not the beauties, except for me.

5. I fought against fat and almost lost my life

6. My mother said that a prodigal son can’t exchange for gold, so who will give me gold? I change.

7. This world is yours, this era is yours, but unfortunately you are mine.

8. Don’t think that if you hold a knife, you are a swordsman

9. Behind the scenery is either vicissitudes of life or filth.

10. My schizophrenia has been cured, and I am very happy.

11. You are a madman and he is a fool, jumping off a cliff in a lingering manner.

12. Your appearance is not correct and your proportions are not correct.

13. No matter what age it is, there is no sense of gangsterism at all.

14. Don’t call fools stupid, don’t call bad guys bad

15. You are the one who doesn’t understand, but you have made me bear the burden of a thousand years of waiting!

16. Those who were once overly dependent have now become jealous and unfamiliar.

17. When the sun comes out, I climb the hillside. After climbing the hillside, I want to sing.

18. One day I will achieve enlightenment and conquer all of you evildoers.

19. I am not lady gaga, I don’t know how to do it.

20. Everything was vented today, and we all took out the trash.

21. The words you have said don’t count, the people you like change every day.

22. The advantage of being short is that you can wear cropped pants as long pants.

23. I am the master. No matter what others think, I am still me.

24. Being suppressed by life, I suddenly had the idea of ​​becoming a monk.

25. As the old saying goes: When three people travel together, there must be a light bulb. The ridiculous phrase makes you laugh out loud

Intro: I have athlete’s foot and I can’t stand it, so I went to buy shoes one day. The girl in the store had to squat down to help me change my shoes. I don't know whether it was due to training or the store manager's request. I tried the first pair and then the second pair. When I asked to try on the third pair, the girl said with tears in her eyes: "Brother, the shoes here are not suitable for your temperament. Why don't you go next door and have a look?"

1. My girlfriend is on the street She bought me a roasted sweet potato, and I asked her: "If I were as useless as the sweet potato seller in the future, would you still stay with me?" She replied calmly: "The sweet potato seller is my ex-boyfriend. ”

2. When the leader was giving a report on the stage, a busty waiter came over to pour tea. The leader was fascinated. The secretary coughed as a reminder, and the leader came to his senses and slapped his head in embarrassment, saying: "Look at my breasts, what I just said!"

3. My husband is a Rooster, I held his hand and said this It was a chicken foot. He pointed at his head and said it was a chicken head. I pointed at his eyes and said they were chicken eyes. When I mentioned his neck, I paused and said they were chicken necks. When my husband heard this, he suddenly became anxious. He jumped up angrily and corrected me: Are you uneducated? This is called a chicken neck! Wait... something seems wrong...

4. During lunch break in the dormitory, everyone was sitting on the bed chatting. Suddenly, one of my roommates asked: "What is the biggest difference between men and women?" Can you sum it up in an idiom?" The other roommate replied in a solemn tone without thinking, "It's uneven." Then he sat there without speaking for 10 minutes.

5. I am a people's policeman. When I got home from get off work today, as soon as the door opened, my five-year-old son grabbed his mother and shouted: "The note is coming, run..." Naughty kid, come here, dad. I promise not to beat you to death!

6. With the rise of online shopping, the interests of some physical merchants have been harmed, so some physical merchants launched an anti-e-commerce demonstration. The reporter interviewed an old man in the parade: "Uncle, what do you do?" The old man said: "I am a farmer!" The reporter asked strangely: "Farmer? What you sell should be fruits and vegetables. E-commerce cannot harm It's in your interests!" The old man said: "Who said no! I sell cucumbers..." The reporter interrupted: "Cucumbers..." The old man interrupted: "Now girls are buying toys anonymously online. The cucumber business plummeted.

Doesn't this harm my interests? ! "Reporter:...

7. Question: "What do you think of the smog situation in Beijing? Answer: "I think Beijing's smog is still good..." Question: "For example..." Answer: "I used to have to find the bathroom when I had an urgent need to urinate, but now!" You don’t have to worry too much at all..."

8. A beautiful school girl asked me: Senior, do you have a girlfriend? I was excited and answered truthfully: No. The school girl picked up her skirt and stood there. He walked around and asked me: Senior, is it beautiful? My heart beat faster and I nodded wildly: Beautiful. The school girl said happily: My boyfriend gave it to me.

9. The man was in Shichahai, Beijing. I picked up a magic lamp, rubbed it, and an elf came out and said, "Thank you for saving me, I can grant you three wishes." The man was startled and lost his voice: "Who?" who. Who is speaking? "

10. I have to go on a business trip in a few days and I feel motion sickness. Let's go to the pharmacy. I was riding an electric bike and my boss was at the door of the pharmacy. I asked, "Is there any motion sickness medicine?" The boss said: "Are you dizzy in this car?" It’s time to take medicine! ”

11. One winter, I went to the toilet with a girl. The girl said that she would never be a woman in the next life. I said yes, and she was about to have a baby again. Who knew that the girl would say, “Pure in winter”? I had to take off my pants to pee, it was freezing...

12. After dinner, I nervously said to my wife: "Daughter-in-law, why do I wash the dishes every time? I want democracy. The daughter-in-law thought about it and said, "Okay, from now on in our family's guessing game, whoever loses will wash the dishes. It's democratic, right?" "I nodded quickly. My wife added: "Now let's start guessing. But I warn you, you can only use your fists. If you dare to use anything else, you will be dead. ”

13. I asked my mother: “How can I become a principled person?” "Mom said: "Only when you have money can you have principles. "I couldn't help but fell into deep thought, and then sighed deeply: "Unexpectedly, our whole family is full of unprincipled people. "

14. I have liked a girl for a long time. Today I confessed to her. I said: "I like you. Although I have nothing to give you, I will make you happy. Be my girlfriend!" Seeing her hesitation, I said firmly: "I still have two kidneys!" ”

15. When my roommate came back after being circumcised, we all comforted him to rest in bed and not to look at the messy things that would stretch the thread. When we got up early the next morning, our cell phone alarms went off It was replaced by Teacher Cang’s gasp.

16. I got tired of playing mobile games, and I said, “Honey, it’s so boring. Are there any fun domestic games?” The second-rate husband stretched out his paw: "Come on, rock, paper, scissors!" "I was speechless!

17. When I was walking on the road with my mother, I saw couples walking around. My mother said: "Look, the pigs have eaten all the good food." "Why do I sound like I'm worse than a pig when I'm single!

18. I'm a girl. I suddenly wanted to eat cucumbers at night, so I went to the public bathhouse to wash two cucumbers. It happened that there were a few girls there. I was doing laundry there, and they looked at me and then at the cucumbers in my hands. They looked at me so nervously! In order to show my innocence, I just stood in the water room and ate both cucumbers. I went back to the dormitory and asked my roommates! Me: "Didn't you wash the cucumbers? Where are the cucumbers? "Don't ask, the world is too chaotic!

19. A buddy of mine is a big smoker. One time, this guy drank too much and was knocked half to death while riding a motorcycle. When I went to the hospital to see him, this guy His head was covered with bandages, but his first words when meeting him were, "Light one for me first." After lighting the cigarette, this picture appeared: Under the warm sunshine, a censer covered with bandages was standing in front of him. Green smoke curls out through the layers of bandages!

20. Wang Sicong: "Dad, look at that..." "Buy, buy, buy" "That's Tiananmen..." "Ah ha ha ha ha... haze" Haze..." Is your mother responsible for the smog in Beijing being so serious?

21. In a high school biology class, the teacher asked: "Where does the fertilization process take place? "The first- and second-rate classmates answered loudly: "On the bed... on the bed! ”

22. I am on a business trip and want to buy anti-inflammatory drugs.

I met a eldest sister and asked her, "Sister, is there any pharmacy nearby?" Sister: Are you buying a condom? Me: Ah, no, I buy medicine! Sister: It’s great to buy a condom. The medicine hurts the body. Me: I buy anti-inflammatories. Sister: Is it swollen?

23. I went to a rich second-generation buddy’s house to play. I didn’t want to miss this rare opportunity, so I dressed myself up very rustic and acted like a girl. During the meal, my buddy went to the bathroom, and his mother suddenly said to me seriously: "Tell me, how much do you want to give me before you leave my son?"

24. Beijing disappeared from the satellite map again , Obama angrily threw the top-secret report on the table, "What kind of advanced weapon is it that can disappear in such a big city? How terrible is the smog in Beijing? Even you don't dare to go?" Iron Man, Hulk , Batman and others lowered their heads in shame. Suddenly, Wolverine suggested: "Optimus Prime can do it! He doesn't need to breathe!" Optimus Prime said silently: "My damn number!"

25. "Doctor, why do I have to breathe every morning?" Sit up, straighten one leg, bend one leg, and stretch your hands forward. "Why do you do such difficult movements every morning?" The doctor asked, "Well, putting on pants every morning is also difficult." Action? ”

26. It was my first time to accompany a deputy to the court, so I was quite nervous. After entering, everyone sat upright and looked very serious. After the judge appeared in court, someone suddenly shouted "Everyone stand up!" At this time, my brain twitched, I stood up and shouted: "Hello, teacher"! The whole audience burst into laughter.

27. My wife and I were woken up by the sound coming from downstairs in the middle of the night. I took out the baseball bat from under the bed and held it tightly in my hands. We quietly walked down the stairs and found a very beautiful girl. In our living room. My wife was hit hard on the head and she doesn't remember anything after that.

28. I just went downstairs for a midnight snack and farted loudly and smelly in the elevator. In order to hide my inner embarrassment, I glared at the guy next to me. I kept staring at him, but the guy finally got impatient and said, "What the hell are you pretending to be? It's just the two of us here!"

29. I have been single for too long, and I finally found a girlfriend to accompany her. When I went to buy clothes, she went into the dressing room to change clothes. I was confused and thought I was out alone, so I went back, back...

30. In the early morning, my wife posted on WeChat Moments: My husband is on a business trip. Well, my husband tortured me all night. I'm just on a business trip! As for bringing up a son to be so offensive!

Postscript: Early in the morning, I was washing my face. My son suddenly shouted "Invincible Iron Tou Kung" and then rushed towards me with his head lowered. My brain twitched and I picked up the stainless steel washbasin to block it. Own. "Bang" followed by his son's cry and his wife's roar.