Relationship class (the art of building deep relationships)
In daily life and social interaction, most relationships between people are in the process of dynamic game, calculating gains and losses, and considering advantages and disadvantages.
Story 1。 chameleon
In ABC theory, different understandings of phenomena lead to different actions. In the process of getting along with people, excessive speculation or temptation will only make the relationship chaotic, and even make the relationship develop irretrievably.
Story 2. Old driver's words
"All a person can control is his own behavior." "One person can only give information to another person." In your heart, no matter how many times you have had tsunami-like experiences with him. However, his will will not change because of your thoughts. All you can control is your own behavior, and his will can only be transferred by the information you give him.
ABC theory tells us that how to explain things determines everything. Therefore, the way to avoid the gearbox is to make a reasonable analysis of the current situation according to your own goals, and then follow the trend and guide the situation to develop in the direction you want.
Story 3. The road with the least resistance
Nature is so harmonious and unified.
Newton's third law not only applies to classical mechanics, but also satisfies the relationship between people. Action and reaction always appear in pairs. Correspondingly, when pursuing someone enthusiastically, it will cause an invisible pressure to the other party, and the other party will often show resistance.
As stated in ohm's law, the current will choose the line with less resistance to pass through. Human nature usually chooses the path of least resistance to accomplish one thing.
We all live in such an environment dominated by law.
In the face of nature, human beings must admit their insignificance and only get revenge from nature, which is counterproductive. The same is true in the face of the ecosystem of interpersonal relationships. Therefore, following the trend has become one of the principles that we need to abide by in our love activities. It is difficult for BMW sellers to sell their cars to the public. Because of the distance, long-distance love will encounter greater resistance than the development of ordinary couples in love.
Principle of daily relationship
In daily communication, there should be an "objective object", which is not about people, but about doing things together, not about people.
People's psychology determines that when a person is overtreated, there will be resistance due to pressure. And through something (an objective object) as a communication channel, this embarrassment can be well resolved and the fight-or-flight mode can be avoided.
No hard words, no soft words. Trying to win "victory" with words will only increase the distance between the other side. Explicit words will only increase the embarrassment when meeting and hinder the further development of the relationship.
Hint. In this society with rapid economic development, no one wants to ask you good night and be caring and attentive every day for no reason. A very simple sentence is actually enough to express the state of "I am happy with you". Blindly "attacking" will make the relationship between the two sides enter the "path of least resistance" mode. Giving each other space properly can also help them get through the slow fever period, especially boys.
Love yourself
It is difficult for a person who loves himself to love others. If you go against your personality to please others in your feelings, you will not please yourself or others. Instead, it will cause an emotional kidnapping. Only by taking care of yourself can we create a happy and beautiful experience for each other.
No giving, only sharing.
Giving psychology will unconsciously produce emotional blackmail in the relationship, which is not only manifested in the relationship between men and women, but also in the relationship between parents and children. Sharing psychology can avoid making the other person feel pressure and avoid emotional kidnapping.
Each has his own journey, and the benevolent loves others.
It's not that you will be happy if you have her, but that your experience together makes you happy.
Benevolent people treat themselves as people and others (boyfriends, girlfriends, subordinates, partners) as people. Love yourself and others.
Xueba Cat named this course "Shun Cat Class", which is also very grounded. In fact, I personally think that it is rich in profound relational philosophy, and any part of it can become the lifestyle of Chinese studies. So I prefer to call it a "relationship class". In the course, Xueba Cat shared her understanding of the way of dealing with the world and the viewpoint of "benevolent people love others", and pointed out that the way of getting along with each other, the way of getting along with partners and the way of getting along with leaders are actually the same. Here I want to talk about my feelings.
If you want to establish a harmonious and long-term relationship with each other, then remember the following points.
No thankless, no threat, no control, no persistence.
Please, on the one hand, will make the other party feel that this feeling is not so precious, and more importantly, this behavior will make the other party feel helpless. And this sense of pressure will have a great impact on the relationship between the two sides. The theory in The Road of Least Resistance also says that action and reaction always appear in pairs. The more you try to please, the stronger its reaction will be. In addition, please is a sign that you don't love yourself, because you feel that you are not good, or some of your conditions don't match each other, so you want to make up for the gap in their relationship by please. However, the Matthew effect tells us, "What you have, you have to double it to make it redundant, and what you don't have, even what you have, must be taken away."
Emotional kidnapping is an overdraft of goodwill for both parties. Normal people don't want their actions or wishes to be dominated by others, and emotional kidnapping is an act of trying to force the other person to obey your wishes in an emotional way. In daily life, there are many examples of emotional kidnapping, such as "confession in public", "jumping off a building for a leader", and the most helpless sentence "I did it for your own good, …". Count the scenes where the above three things happened in life, and which one is satisfactory.
People must admit their smallness, and all we can do is follow suit. In the movie, the different personalities of Ning and Nie decide that they can't be together. In real life, two people belonging to different circles need to have a great confrontation. If you have to sell Audi to the people who drive Alto, the result will be either that one side is very painful or that both sides are very painful. In addition, it is foolish to underestimate each other's IQ and try to influence each other's behavior through some emotional means. Not only is it an emotional threat to each other, but it will gradually lose trust.
Without persistence, how to explain that one thing determines everything? A discussion in class about boys/girls issuing good cards is very interesting. Boys and girls have such different understandings of the same thing. When girls send out good friend cards, they are more inclined to express "give him a chance and then observe." Boys give good cards more because they are unwilling to take responsibility (boys subconsciously have "responsibility burdens"), but they are unwilling to lose such a friend. The same event A, because B is different, the result is different. So the matter itself may not be as you think, so persistence will only affect people's judgment.
basis
I especially like the sentence that Xueba Cat said, "I want to finish my life, and you have to finish your life. Just this paragraph, let's go together. My torch illuminates your path, your song warms my journey, and we explore the world more boldly together. We are fond memories of each other's journey, but we feel that it is not the key purpose or significance of each other's journey. The purpose of being together is not to get each other. The concept of "mutual gain" is wrong in itself. People are free, and it is meaningless to simply acquire body, emotion and even "sex". The body is a piece of skin, and the kidnapped feelings will only crack the original intimate relationship, and after a night of passion, it will bring endless holes to the soul. Being together is not to get, but to create an unprecedented beautiful experience. There is no gain or loss, no effort and no gain.
Love yourself
In the process of getting along, the best form of relationship is that two people can work together to create a beautiful life experience. However, it is impossible for a person who does not love himself to create a happy experience with others. Such people will feel inferior in the process of getting along, so they will have flattering behavior. I feel insecure, so I want to control everything in my own hands. If you gain something, you will lose it, so you will try your best to influence each other's behavior. However, these behaviors often get bad results. A person who really loves himself, even when he is alone, will gently sort out his body, his life and his emotions. In this state, there will be no flattery, no emotional kidnapping and no attachment to each other. With you, we can create a better experience together. Without you, my life is still beautiful. A person who really loves himself won't worry. What if the other party is having an affair? Does the other person have other ideas? Does the other person have no feelings for me at all? These similar questions. What can you do if the other party cheats? What can you do if the other person doesn't love you? "All a person can control is his own behavior." "One person can only give information to another person." A person who loves himself will only have one choice for these problems-"cold salad". For those who love themselves, relationships are unconsciously attracted, and everyone is willing to get along with people who can bring happiness to themselves.
Enlarge the circle
In the process of interacting with people, we need to have an objective object. Having an objective object can not only make the progress of the relationship less embarrassing. And if two people go not for people, but for objective objects, there will be no "good friend card". If you go straight to the subject, on the one hand, it will cause an invisible pressure on the other side. In the other side's subconscious, you will feel "Why is she good to me for no reason?" "Isn't it a little hasty for me to promise her so easily?" "Maybe there is something better?" On the other hand, going straight to the point determines that one person must be conquered by another, and there must be victory or defeat. Therefore, it is very important to have an objective object in the process of communication, which can be used as a carrier of relationship progress. This carrier can not only bring happiness to both sides, but more importantly, it naturally creates many opportunities for you two to meet and be alone. For example, a boy must be able to take pictures or become an old gourmet driver in his own city.
patience
I have seen the story of the big sister of the Japanese airport cleaner shared by Xueba Cat in the group before. Doing things calmly is the secret of elder sister's technical improvement. Born from the heart, a patient and calm person, his tone of voice, body language and decision-making are obviously different from those who are not calm. Get along with people, don't worry. Too eager to pursue one side will put pressure on the other side and make the other side resist. Moreover, under the premise of having a wide circle and taking care of your state, all you need is patience.
Correct relationship between men and women
The correct relationship between men and women should be like what Teacher Xueba Cat put forward in class. "Intimacy is nothing more than profound friendship, plus romance and sexual relations." Going straight to the subject will cause embarrassment in the relationship between the two sides, and loveless sex will hurt each other. The development of a correct relationship between men and women should be that each knows something, and because the other person is in tune with himself, it develops into an intimate relationship. On the basis of this relationship, two people work together and boldly create a beautiful experience that belongs to two people.
Correct relationship between superiors and subordinates
The principle that leaders get along with the opposite sex is the same, and flattery and threats will not work. For example, I intend to close the relationship with leaders through "giving gifts". Then the problem comes at this time. What and how much are appropriate? Gifts are too ostentatious, and leaders may not even open the door to avoid suspicion. Sending special products, the leader thinks it's too much trouble to owe you this favor. If you send money directly, first, the general leader is generally not short of money, and the result of sending money is either that he can't stand it or that you can't stand it. Second, if the leader is short of money, it is equivalent to throwing money into a bottomless pit. Leaders are human beings, and they also have troubles. The correct relationship between superiors and subordinates should be to know what is the obstacle to establishing close relationship with leaders, and then quietly understand this obstacle.
Correct cooperative relationship
I remember in the wealth class, the teacher once said a word. The more a person contributes to others, the more wealth he gets, and wealth comes with his contribution. The correct cooperative relationship should be that both sides focus on the success or failure of one thing, do not underestimate their own gains and losses, and achieve mutual benefit and win-win results.
Here is a story about an old driver I met at work. Once, a colleague like me, not long after joining the company, went on a business trip to a private enterprise with extremely backward technical ability to do technical support. The owner's supervisor is a woman leader in her forties. After meeting her for the first time, my colleagues introduced themselves and explained their purpose. Different from the previous projects, we began to discuss the technical scheme directly. After listening to his self-introduction, the female leader of the other party looked at him and said brightly that a friend of hers who was a boss recently asked her to find a partner for her daughter who had just returned from studying abroad. The female supervisor thinks he is particularly suitable and praises him for his good looks and promising youth ... colleagues refused because of their family reasons, but they still have some expectations in their hearts. Then my colleagues had a good impression on this elder sister who met for the first time, and soon established a good working relationship. In the course of the next project, colleagues worked hard on the project, showing all kinds of practicality and ability, and soon the project was successfully completed. Later, when he returned to the unit to chat with other colleagues, he realized that all the young engineers who had been to this unit had the same experience. In fact, when the teacher talked about cooperation that day, the first impression that came to mind was this story. On the first day of the project, the female supervisor did not immediately put into work. She first found a blind date topic (objective object) and established a relationship with each other. Then, as soon as it goes well, everyone is willing to work overtime to finish the work.
A question I don't understand
Why do some boys have an unwarranted "sense of responsibility" for themselves or the opposite sex? They often say things like "I won't make a promise easily, and I will make a promise a little bit." However, the end result may be that nothing has been realized.
A trip to Guangzhou
Seeing that the course of 3.0 was coming to an end, I decided to go to Guangzhou to listen to a class just because I was free at the weekend. The feeling of attending a class on the spot is really different. The vitality and expressiveness of Xueba Cat infected all the students at the scene. After listening to the class, almost everyone felt the same way, just because the class was so wonderful that they wanted to find a less critical moment and didn't even have a chance to go to the toilet. I can only sigh that my bladder is too small. In addition, Guangyou chicken, which is placed next to the public toilet and doesn't even have a signboard, is super delicious, the boss is very real and the business is very hot. This is a very worthwhile place to go.