Because I am a woman: how to raise children out of the whirlpool of family background?
Women are docile and knowledgeable, and can respect children's ideas when they get along with them. This kind of family relationship is more harmonious. If a woman is impatient, complaining, haggling over every ounce, or likes to do everything for her children, I believe such a family relationship will be very tense.
But the formation of a woman's character is mostly influenced by her family background.
In the book "Because I am a Woman: How to Deeply Heal Intergenerational Trauma", Mr. Hou deeply analyzed nine types of mothers and their ways of educating their children.
From this, we find that the mother has a decisive influence on the child's character.
If the mother is immature or has problems, some of them will be born with their children and it is difficult to separate them; Some will control their children as part of themselves and project the unbearable things in their hearts onto them; Some people will be hysterical when they have an emotional breakdown, and even vent their emotions and hit their children; Some will seriously neglect children, and so on. These parenting styles will bring terrible disasters to children's minds, making it difficult for children to have a basic sense of security and trust as adults, and it is also difficult to establish good intimate relationships with others.
If we compare our inner personality to a house, then the love given by our mother is the foundation of the house.
High-quality parenting can make children have a healthy and mature personality, just as a house has a solid foundation and can withstand typhoons and earthquakes; And low-quality parenting will make children feel insecure, which may lead to a difficult life for children.
A child with insecurity is like a house with a weak foundation. Many situations in the future, such as academic frustration, career failure, and breaking up with your lover. It may lead to the collapse of the house, that is, this person is more likely to collapse in the face of setbacks.
In My Boy, Cheney Chen cries in almost every episode, which shows that Cheney Chen is a very pessimistic and loveless person.
His family, when he was 7 years old, his parents divorced. Cheney Chen has been living with his aunt, who is a mother. Because of her work, she had to send Cheney Chen to boarding school. When she was at school, he cried and said, you adults don't want me.
In addition, Cheney Chen had the experience of being taken care of by relatives in turn. He stayed with this relative for a few days, and then moved to another relative for a few days. Taking turns to take care of him made him feel insecure and afraid of being abandoned.
After the divorce, my mother didn't remarry. She was afraid of meeting someone like her father or worse.
Growing up in such a loveless and unsafe environment, Cheney Chen was afraid of getting married and having children.
So a traumatized mother, her children will also experience trauma, which is intergenerational trauma.
The formation of each child's personality will be influenced by his mother, and at the same time, it will also influence his next generation with the formed personality. This relationship will be repeated and form a "whirlpool".
So how to get out of this "whirlpool"?
1. First, look directly at your relationship with your mother.
Analyzing the relationship with your mother is an important way to see yourself clearly and heal yourself.
Teacher Peng pointed out in the article that it takes three steps to find your true feelings in the face of lost love.
The first step is to face the reality. We can realize what we have lost in our relationship with our mother.
The second step is to accept. If the loss of maternal love has happened, we should be able to admit it. Knowing what we have lost in our relationship with our mother, we need to accept these losses.
The third step is transformation. In the process of transformation, we will gradually find our true feelings and connect with real life.
In the variety "My Daughter's Boyfriends", Olivia feels confident and independent.
When talking about her family, she told her childhood trauma in a plain tone: when her parents divorced, she was only 5 years old and was awarded to her mother.
As far as I can remember, she never saw her parents together, and she never got any love enlightenment from them. Mother is very strict with Xiaowenzi, and never praises her. Even if she wants to buy a skirt, she doesn't agree. Therefore, Wen Zi longed for his father's love, but his father could only see him once a week.
Slowly, she found that she had to be extra sensitive and careful to observe her parents, so that she could be taken care of when she liked her parents.
Later, in a program, he bluntly said, "Because no one cares about you, you can't be independent."
When I was a child, I was confused and didn't understand what my divorced family had done to me. When I thought I could receive two birthday presents and two lucky money, she even secretly rejoiced.
But when she grew up, she realized that the lack of love made her not know how to maintain intimate relationships.
In love, she always tries to find a sense of security in love. After nothing, she even risked giving birth to a child after breaking up with her boyfriend and chose to be a single mother.
The difficulty can be imagined.
As the saying goes, there is nothing unspeakable.
Now, she can directly face the trauma of childhood. She knows that "this kind of trauma may accompany me all my life", but now she doesn't miss every growing process of her child. At the same time, I also met a man who was watched by her, and even said half jokingly in the program: I am going to marry him soon ... shy and happy, enviable. Believe in self-confidence, she will be happier and happier.
2. Get out of the whirlpool of family influence, and then find your true self.
Growing up, I have been regarded as a "good girl" by others. I have a gentle personality. When I am in contact with others, I can get along with others with almost no contradiction.
Because "good" is often ignored by others, the heart is often centered on others, and what others say is what they say. In the long run, they become less and less assertive.
I gradually found myself unhappy at all. I often feel very tired in my life. I obviously don't like this man, but I have to promise to associate with him. Obviously, I don't like dinner, but I must pretend that I am good at it.
Later, after reflection, I can't always live in the eyes of others. On my 30th birthday, I wrote a passage to myself: "I am in my thirties, so I should live for myself. I should subtract from my life, get rid of those unnecessary things, find someone I love and do what I want. What's wrong with naughty children? "
The book says that only when we stop protecting ourselves from fear can we really live in real life.
Everyone has the ability of self-healing. After confusion and collapse, if we deal with enough sadness, transformation will naturally happen. We will find the direction again and find the sense of reality. We will become relaxed, just like we will feel relaxed after a good cry.
3. Get out of the whirlpool of family influence and grow up with your children.
When I was a mother for the first time, I was very anxious, because my mother-in-law had been expressing "everything is child-centered" since I was a child, accusing me of always watching my mobile phone instead of my baby. When the child cries, nurse it quickly. Massage the child's ears while he is sleeping.
Because I don't get enough sleep every day and have to take care of my baby, I am very upset and often doubt myself.
Regarding the second child, I chose to go to the Confucius Center. On the first day of my stay, the staff asked me about my physical condition, helped me change my clothes, and took the child out so that I could have a good sleep. Tell me you are the most important.
That night, the room was quiet, and I cried secretly, because someone asked me how I felt for the first time.
Yes, I am the most important in the process of raising children.
Mom is happy every day, full of hope for things, and children will be positive and optimistic. If the mother is anxious every day and complains about everything, and always puts herself in the injured position, the child will feel inferior and full of guilt.
In the book Because I am a Woman, the author points out that most people want to be a good mother, an ideal self and a role model for children. Maybe you are not the best and perfect one, but you can be a hopeful self, which is the best gift for children.
What you are is more important than what you do.
We live with our children every day, and our words and deeds are internalized by our children as our own behaviors.
Therefore, on the issue of raising children, we must not force ourselves too much. Even if we learn all the parenting books, we won't be perfect mothers.
Children are independent individuals, and all we can do is grow up with them. When children are in infancy, we should spend more time with them, hug them more and give them enough sense of security. When a child grows up and needs our respect, we can keep a certain distance from him and support his decision.
As Teacher Peng said, a good enough mother can adjust herself with the growth of her children.
Therefore, it is beneficial for us to be a "60-point mother". In the process of children's growth, there is room for improvement and adjustment.
Raising children is a lifelong subject. In the book "Because I am a woman: How to heal the intergenerational trauma", it is not only pointed out that we can give our mothers the power to nurture and let us learn through games, trust and intellectuality.
At the same time, even if you are not a mother, you can understand the relationship between you and your mother through this book, and get out of the "whirlpool" in Origin and Fate through reflection.