How should you deal with your husband having an affair?

The closer we get, the colder we get. First of all, the two of us can never return to the way we got along before. We used to trust each other, and we both knew how to leave some space for each other, and keep hobbies that the other party did not necessarily participate in. We could handle work matters separately, and we could also have fun. We both enjoyed such a relaxed relationship, but he betrayed my trust. After that incident, I never dared to give him such space again. I wanted to keep him under my nose and not give him a second chance to make a mistake. More importantly, I must never let myself regret it again (I always feel that part of the reason for his affair is my negligence). So when he said he wanted to go play with friends, I would go with him; when he said he wanted to hang out downstairs, I would go with him. I know he doesn't like the feeling of being stared at all the time, but why don't I like it? There are some things that I have no interest in participating at all, but what can I do? People say that once a love-minded man has an affair once, he is likely to have a second or third affair. The more impatient he shows, the more subconsciously I hold on to him. But he was a businessman and had a lot of social activities, so I couldn't keep an eye on him all the time, so I tried every means to find out who he was with and what he was doing in places where I couldn't see him. Like a spy, I sniffed his clothes, rummaged through his bag, and checked the text messages and phone numbers on his phone. Like a policeman, he used his language skills to interrogate him about his schedule and whereabouts. But the more I behave like this, the less willing he is to communicate with me. He also tries every means to avoid me and finds reasons to go out alone. In turn, I felt even more panicked and aggrieved. In a word, the more I want to control everything about him, the further apart our hearts become. There are more and more restricted areas between us, and the relationship becomes colder and colder. I was also very awkward when we were together at night. To be honest, since that incident, I have felt disgusted with his physical contact, and I feel uncomfortable when I think of him touching other women. Although I tell myself that things have passed and I have to learn to forget, some emotions are just beyond my control. In addition to guarding him like a thief, I couldn't help but stab him with words. It was clear that he was the one who caused the affair and hurt me deeply, but my parents and my parents-in-law advised me to settle the matter, saying that I could only save the situation by showing an appropriate amount of generosity. Unless they have personal experience, most people would not be able to understand the "stupid" behavior of a woman who was betrayed by her husband and made it known to everyone in the workplace, because I want to do the same, want to yell, want to smash things, and want people all over the world to scold this. He was a heartless man, but he endured it in the end, but the bad breath didn't come out, and he ended up suffering internal injuries. He owed it to me. My wound hadn't healed yet, so how could he act like nothing was wrong? It was as if he had had a ridiculous dream and woke up with an announcement. He slapped his butt and turned around again, unscathed. But I have to endure this nightmare with lingering fear, and I can't say no to it, because when people wake up from the dream, whatever shameful things they have done in the dream don't count. If you care about it, you are being unreasonable. But whenever something triggers me to think of this incident, and I see my husband looking so relaxed, I get very angry, so I blurt out harsh words and point out his infidelity. At first, my husband was tolerant. After all, he made the mistake first and he had to let me vent. But after two times, he quit and asked me: "This matter is over, and I have already admitted my mistake. Since you accepted it, why is it not over yet? You have to make the relationship between us become Are we talking to each other?" At this point, I couldn't say anything else. If I go on talking about it, I can no longer keep the face that I have managed to maintain as a couple, but I am sneering in my heart: You have passed there, but I have not passed here yet. Do you know what kind of suffering I go through every day? My heart has been frightened after being deceived. I am not a sensitive and suspicious person by nature, but now I am frightened. If there is any slightest sign of trouble, I will think about my husband cheating on me. Every woman around him will make me secretly nervous. I would not pay attention to it before. Some of the things I heard can now be regarded as signs or possible evidence of his cheating. For example, one time my husband was taking a shower in the bathroom, and his cell phone rang. I picked it up and answered it, but the other party hung up as soon as he heard my voice. I became suspicious and asked my husband who the number belonged to. The husband looked at it and said he didn't know, maybe someone dialed the wrong number. I didn't dare to be careless, so I secretly copied the mobile phone number, and later dialed it, which confirmed that the other party had dialed the wrong number. Another time, he called after get off work to say that he wanted to accompany a client to dinner, but he still didn't come back until after nine o'clock in the evening. I called his number, but he didn't answer; I kept calling, but he never answered; an hour later, he turned off his phone. My heart suddenly tightened, and scenes that I least wanted to look back on flashed through my head. That time, he stayed up all night like this, didn't answer the phone, and turned off his mobile phone. When he came back the next day, his words were flashy, but I found evidence of cheating on his tie. All the feelings at that time were squeezed into my heart again: sadness, anger, humiliation, unwillingness and fierce ideological struggle, followed by insomnia, quarrels, crying... After all the effort, I finally kept this man and saved the marriage, but now When I pulled this thread, my heart still felt throbbing and painful.

Is he still untrustworthy? Are you really going to betray me and hurt me again? If this is really the case, what should I do? Can I still forgive him? Should I forgive him? As a result, he returned home at around two o'clock in the middle of the night and explained in an understatement that the client had invited him to sing karaoke. The box was very noisy, so he couldn't hear the phone ringing. Later, the phone ran out of battery and turned off automatically. After he explained, he got ready to go to sleep, not knowing that I had been tortured for four or five hours at home for him. I was very angry. All of this was caused by his unfaithful behavior. Why should I be the only one suffering? "You can't sleep! How could it be so coincidental that your phone is out of battery when you get up?" "It's such a coincidence, what can I do? Haven't I already explained it? I'm very tired, can we talk tomorrow?" "No, You don't have a phone number, what should I think? I can't sleep today anyway, so you have to explain clearly." "I forgot to call, everyone was in high spirits, and I didn't expect to sing. It's so late. Isn't it common in the past, even later than this time? "What do you want me to say?" "It was before. I believed you before. What happened to you?" What, it depends on what you do!" After hearing this, my husband's face turned cold and he said: "So you just want to hear me say that there is an adultery outside, okay, whatever I say. If you don’t believe it anymore, then I’ll admit it. I went to sleep with another woman tonight. Are you satisfied and can you let me sleep?” You knew he was speaking out of anger, but you really heard what he said. , I still felt like a knife was cut in my heart, "You are shameless..." I cried loudly. He hugged the quilt and went to the guest room to sleep, leaving behind a sentence: "The problem is not me now, but you. If you can't pass your own level, we will really have no way to live together." That incident happened. In the future, why should I try my best to save our marriage? Is it because you love him and can't bear to let him go? Can't live without him? There should still be love, otherwise there wouldn't be so much hate and hurt. However, more likely it is unwillingness. Not willing to let the marriage he worked so hard to collapse like this, not willing to lose to another woman who is inferior to him, so he fights for it like a fighter. Maybe it's for the sake of my children, so that my five-year-old son can have a complete family, that's why I can endure it so much. Or maybe it's just to save face, I can't stand others looking at me with sympathy, thinking in my heart that this is a woman who has been abandoned by her husband. ​And what about him? Why did you come back to me? Does he still love me? I dare not think about it, if you love me, why are you with other women? Now that I'm back, maybe it's just because I still have responsibilities for my children and my family, or maybe it's because he feels grateful and ashamed for the generosity I showed? But are these enough to support a marriage? Yes, he vowed not to betray me again, but can a husband who has had an affair still trust his promises and vows? Even if I believe that his tears of regret were true, just like he was sincere when he said he loved me, how long can his sincerity last? I do have a problem. The problem is not only that I can't trust him, but also that I can't trust myself. I found myself trapped in an endless invisible war. I put all my energy into monitoring my cheating husband, guessing, calculating, and even imagining how to face the worst outcome over and over again. I had no time for myself to take care of my own life. I don’t know how long it’s been since I went to an art exhibition, how long it’s been since I calmed down to read a book, how long it’s been since I’ve had a gathering with my friends, and even my “best friend’s” birthday passed and I actually forgot to buy a gift... Look at me now, describe Gaunt, withered in spirit, unhealthy from the inside out, losing the ability to love. How can such a woman, who I deeply loathe even myself, be attractive to others? I'm covered in thorns and I'm vulnerable. Just like when my husband takes the initiative to ask for sex from me, I subconsciously resist; but when he really loses sexual interest in me, I feel so aggrieved and frustrated that I want to cry. Consult experts to carefully release traumatic energy and enhance the energy of love. Remember there is a song whose lyrics are very similar to your experience, "Love is like flying a kite." When the string is too loose and too long, the kite will lose contact with you. When the string is too tight, the kite will lose contact. will break. It can be said that you have experienced the first situation. Currently, you are eager to close the thread, but the improper method has brought love to a deadlock. Judging from your description, it seems that you have already passed the dangerous period of your marriage, but the unhealed scars and hidden pain have turned your unwillingness and resentment into suspicion and attack, and the family relationship that should have been easing has once again become a warning sign. lamp. In this case, no matter how good your husband is, you won't see it. In the article, you mentioned, "If we ignore the affair history and look at it as it is, I have indeed been looking for trouble on my own for the past six months." In fact, behind "looking for trouble" is the traumatic energy that has been accumulated in your heart for a long time. The loss of trust in your lover and the collision of anxiety and doubt have made you physically and mentally exhausted. Judging from the information in the article, your current psychological condition needs to be adjusted. The closer you and your husband are, the colder you feel is due to the solidification of love. Tolerance and communication in marriage are the best way to save the crisis of an affair. The fear in your heart makes you try to control all the whereabouts of your husband. According to experience, this method will lead to Making your marriage more sensitive and distant, unprocessed emotions and verbal violence have transformed you from an accommodating wife into a punisher and a KGB. An affair in a marriage is not accidental. You need to look back and see if there were any problems in your interaction before the affair occurred. If you only look at the results and simply judge the husband as a sinner with moral shackles, it will not be conducive to the growth of the family. It will have a good effect.

It is the responsibility of both husband and wife to accept the reality, reshape the relationship, and maintain emotional health. The healing of the wound requires the compensation of love. If you have no intention of breaking up, work hard to heal the scars of the marriage and let the solidified love flow again. When you are calm you can ask yourself five questions: 1. Why did I choose to forgive my husband? 2. What does my heart need from a husband right now? 3. How do I let my husband know what I need? 4. How do I make the other person feel my tolerance and cherishment of my feelings? 5. Is what I do to my husband punishment or understanding? On the other hand, don't expect to return to the previous interactive mode of husband and wife not interfering with each other. Now you should cultivate common hobbies and strengthen emotional communication between husband and wife, such as making weekend outing plans. On the other hand, "sequelae of an affair" often result in sexual disgust, which is particularly strong when your husband expresses his love for you. You can express your uncomfortable feelings to your husband tactfully to gain your lover's understanding and attention. If you really can't bear it, you can choose to temporarily separate by agreement, and sleep in the same bed after the trauma period is over.