2021-06-30 To be updated (you can read it when you are sad)

I had another interview this afternoon. If the interview in the morning gave me a little surprise, this one in the afternoon actually poured cold water on me.

The company I interviewed this afternoon is actually not big. It is precisely because it is not big that I can meet people who are closer to the management and even the boss. So the interviewer for this interview is directly the shareholder and boss of the interviewing company. When you first enter, you always introduce yourself, and after the introduction, you ask other questions. He asked me what I thought I was good at. Because my last job as a sales assistant involved contact with both the purchasing and client sides, I naturally thought he was asking about these two aspects, so I said both were fine, because I had done both.

He acted very disappointed and helpless, speechless and then said: I ask you, what do you think you are good at, not these two.

I actually can’t answer it because I am actually in a very confused and closed state. Later, he simply asked me which one I should choose between the purchase order and the client, and I said either way was fine. He acted even more helpless, with an expression as if I was very tired and would be exhausted even if he listened to a single word from me.

When I saw him like this, I replied: Let me choose one. I may be more inclined to do it internally, that is, the purchasing side.

In the end, he said: Okay, no need to say more.

If I weren’t a talkative person, I guess this interview would be over soon. I don’t remember what I said. Seeing that I was going on, he seemed to be patient and wanted to talk to me for a while.

He asked me: Why did you come to Shenzhen?

I replied: Make money.

He said: Since you are here to make money, the position of assistant is obviously not suitable. Do you know how much you get from the business in a month? How much can the assistant earn if he continues to work? I have relaxed our company’s requirements for business assistants to 45 years old and a high school diploma (I applied for a PM assistant, which is more business-oriented, and business assistants are more back-office-oriented). You know that the position of sales assistant is a very entry-level position. Do you think you can keep it for a long time? Did you know that this position is only for those under 35 years old? So why did you come to Shenzhen like this?

He actually hit the mark on my sore spot. In the dozen or so interviews in the past half month, I was mainly stuck on this issue. But before this half month, I really couldn't figure out what I wanted. But after this short period of time, even though the number of interviews did not reach dozens or hundreds, it was enough for me. I found that I might still want to go back to my hometown. In fact, before I left my last job, I was very resistant to returning to my hometown. I disliked it as being too rural and too backward. I felt that there was no fun place and it was very boring. It was not as fun as Shenzhen, and it was not as prosperous, noisy, convenient, young, etc. etc. But in these short fifteen days of leaving my job, I had no one to talk to about my grievances during the interview. I was lonely and sad, and I didn’t have a friend to go out for a drink with so much free time. I couldn’t stop the anxiety of not having a job and give myself a good rest. If you have time, look for it, and you don’t have much savings to eliminate your worries, so look for it slowly.

My material desires seem really weak to me. The only meal I have is always roast duck rice. I don’t want to drink milk tea even if I don’t like it. I don’t dare and don’t want to go to the mall to buy clothes. Even when I browse Taobao, I just look at it and turn it off. Since I had nothing since I was a child, I was scolded by my grandma when I went back to Guangxi to eat white rice. Under the influence of this, my pursuit of material things was not a reverse desire, but an assimilation of looking down on me and suppressing it into a habit. When I was in college, there were four girls in the dormitory. I had the least stuff. My desk was empty, a bottle of water and a bottle of breast milk, and the drawers were filled with miscellaneous things like empty boxes and bottles that I was reluctant to throw away. What I have most now are some miscellaneous things and a small pile of cheap clothes.

When studying or working outside, you are destined to be more lonely, helpless, and without valuable luggage. Only the growth that comes from the grievances, loneliness, helplessness, etc. that one must go through in life is valuable. Even though I think these are valuable, I still don’t have much ambition for money, I’m not that obsessed with taking root in Shenzhen, and I’m even less interested in meeting people and connections. I don’t dare to think about getting married at all, let alone thinking about it. A matter of generation. In fact, it can be seen that even though I had an unpleasant childhood growing up experience and poor family conditions, I still raised an unmotivated and mediocre me, instead of a me who tried to completely change my destiny and worked hard to make money fearlessly. .

My educational journey was nothing bumpy or special. When I was a child, I stayed in my mother's hometown (a mountain in Hubei) for two years. My grandmother took me there. At that time, the conditions in the mountain were poor and there were no preschools. Instead, there were only grades one and two. The two grades shared one classroom, and the first grade sat on one side of the classroom. , the second grade students sit on the other side, and a teacher changes to the second grade class after finishing the first grade. After I studied in the first grade there, I went to Guangdong to study in the first grade and then in the fifth grade. Then I went back to Guangxi to study for the college entrance examination and then repeated it. Then I chose Hubei to study at university. In fact, I just went to a few places. The ups and downs are special. I used this old joke earlier in an attempt to inspire others to sympathize and accept themselves, make friends with themselves, and be gentle to themselves. Later I discovered that this actually pushed people further away, so I rarely talk about it now. During the interview in the afternoon, I mentioned my study experience. I didn’t want to talk about it originally, but it was only when I mentioned that I didn’t know what to say that would be helpful to me that I took the opportunity to talk about it. As a result, he replied directly to me: Do you think you are special? Feeling aggrieved? Many people are like this. I want to say that I might have felt it before, but I really don’t feel it now. Maybe I still feel uncomfortable inside when I am vulnerable, but I won’t use it to gain sympathy or anything.

I remember the best time when my grandma took me. My mother said that I stayed there for more than two and a half years, and my grandma took care of me till I became fat. I didn’t go to Guangdong until I was seven years old, so it is estimated that my grandmother started taking care of me when I was about four years old. Because my mother was my grandmother’s eldest daughter, my aunt was not yet married and my uncle was still studying, so I became the most favored baby. There aren't many things that I can remember in my memory, but those are the only memories that don't involve painful times.

I remembered that my grandma once told me that on the day my mother left for Guangdong, I cried and fussed, and pulled my mother to prevent her from leaving. When I was taking a nap, I said innocently She slept with one eye and kept the other open so she couldn't sneak away, but ended up falling asleep anyway. After I woke up, she and my aunt had left long ago. I cried loudly and sadly, until I couldn't breathe. My grandma was so distressed that she carried me back and forth in the back mountain for a long time. She cried and made a fuss at first. When I got tired of crying, I would lie on my grandma’s back and sob. I do have some impressions of this when they talked about it. I still remember that my mother tried to sneak out through the side door, but I caught her anyway, so they switched to coaxing her to sleep. The memories of those two years are the best in the past. I remember having doting parents, neighbor brothers and sisters, the natural singing of birds and the fragrance of flowers, the numerous fireflies in the fields, the loaches in the rice fields, etc. I still remember helping my grandma pick tea leaves and digging wild vegetables, accompanying my grandpa and grandma in farming and frying tea. I went to the fields with my neighbors, brothers, sisters and friends to catch loaches, but my grandma scolded me for being dirty. At that time, my grandpa doted on me and bought me a black and white TV. I watched an early version of Sun Wukong many times, and even invited many friends to show off and play it again and again. My uncle occasionally came back from school and brought me many notebooks he had kept. Grandma helped me bathe and rub the mud, and said dotingly that this boy had so much mud. After school, grandma got up early to prepare noodles and homemade salted duck eggs, and also gave me pocket money. When I came back from school, my grandma watched me write and count. At that time, she praised my handwriting for being beautiful. I still remember my grandpa taking me to the street. There was a tiger locked in a car on the street, and many people gathered around to look at it. I was scared and excited and said on my grandpa’s shoulder: Grandpa, look, tiger, tiger. Grandpa was very fond of me and said it was scary, and even tried to scare me by getting closer. These are not made up, they are real impressions in my mind. But I didn't know it later, but this was already my most beautiful memory.

On the day my dad asked me to go to Guangdong, my grandma couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't bear to leave my grandma. The two of us were separated by my mom after fighting. I don't know how long the separation lasted. I went to Guangdong when I was seven years old, and it was only in my second year of high school that I returned to my grandmother with great difficulty. I don’t know why it took so long to go back. I still can’t figure it out. My mother said it was my father who refused to let me go to Hubei for so long, because she was afraid that my relatives in Hubei would force me to stay there. Without me as a bargaining chip, my mother would easily run away. My father did not dare to go to Hubei because he owed Hubei I don’t dare to use my relatives’ money. He also said that he had no money and the travel fare was too expensive. When I went back in my second year of high school, my aunt paid for the fare. My mother said that my grandparents missed me too much.

My kind-hearted grandpa once worked as my dad’s laborer, and even helped him recruit relatives from Hubei to help him. His trust in him was later insulted, disliked and trampled to pieces by him. I remember my mother said that one time the construction site was very far away. My dad even drove his motorcycle past my grandpa without giving him a lift. My stoic grandfather told my mother this only after a long time. I remember this incident in my heart and can’t even remember it now. Thinking of that scene and other things, I feel sorry for my grandfather and hate my father. Why is this, I am already bursting into tears as I write this, I really can’t restrain myself, why does it become like this later. I remember even less of those five years in Guangdong, as if my brain had automatically blocked many of them, and I can’t even remember them now. The memories of five years are not as profound as those of two and a half years, but some memories do still come out.

I stayed in Lizhidun, Futian Town, Boluo County, Huizhou, Guangdong for five years. I started from the first grade and went to the fifth grade. At that time, the development of Guangdong was much better than that of other places, because students started learning English in the third grade. In Guangxi, I only started learning English in primary school when I was in the second or third grade of junior high school. When I think about these five years now, I feel like I have very few memories, and most of them are unbearable. The local people there seemed to know my dad, because my dad was working as a contractor at that time, and there were houses all around. At that time, I just started building houses, and the business was actually very good. The locals call me Pa Zhong, Nishui Zhong, and my brother Zhong Zai. Hakka was spoken there. As a child, I learned the dialect very quickly and soon became fluent in Hakka. My father and my brother also spoke Hakka. My mother, besides speaking the dialect from her hometown in Hubei, was good at everything else. I didn't learn well, so sometimes I would laugh at her, but mostly I thought my mother was so cute.

Not all the locals were nice. The local friends my dad made later all became scourges. It was not until the end that my dad realized that people looked down on him at all, and had always treated him as a joke behind his back. Before he was too depressed to die, he gambled, drank, and had fun with his friends, until he had nothing left. But there are also good ones. My mother said that the old couple next door are very nice. They work in the vegetable market and occasionally bring some vegetables to my mother. They even gave them to us during the embarrassing period when our family stayed in Guangdong and had no money to eat. vegetable. There was also an uncle who was a pig butcher. I was under the care of my grandma at that time. He had a very sweet mouth and would call everyone I met "Aniang" or "Uncle". They all like me. After the uncle who killed the pigs knew how difficult our family was, he didn't bother to worry about the money he owed for the pork. I remember that difficult time. My family ate bitter melon and fried pork for many days. My dad was sipping a few yuan worth of soju with a sad face. I asked him why he didn’t eat vegetables, and he said let me eat. During the Chinese New Year that year, he sat on a low bamboo stool with his knees buried in the living room and cried miserably in the living room, saying that he was useless. My mother, who was soft-hearted, hugged him and comforted him. In fact, I was also very heartbroken at the time. I felt that he was very pitiful, but I didn't know why I resented him. I also resented my mother for comforting him like this. I blamed my mother for being too soft-hearted. At that time, I was sleeping on the bed and secretly watching them, crying and resisting at the same time. It was like fire and water were blending in my heart. I didn't know what it felt like.

Too much happened before our family was in such an embarrassing situation. I remember that at that time, people lived in old houses rented from local people.

The house with tiled roofs where I first lived in Guangdong was next to a canteen. I seem to have lost a lot of memories about this period, but I always remember the family of five in the canteen, an old grandmother, the boss and his wife, and their daughter and granddaughter. The boss and his wife all have buck teeth, and so does their daughter, but not the granddaughter. They are all kind and honest. The canteen building has two floors. The one next to the road has two rooms. The larger one is used as a canteen to sell snacks, daily necessities, seasonings and the like, and the smaller one is used as housing. There is a hall away from the road with a mahjong table and a second floor. There is a very open place next to the hall for raising geese. At that time, many geese could be heard croaking every day, and the smell of goose droppings was quite strong. Yes, but no one has ever disliked it, and I have never disliked it, except for my dad, because later my dad said that he disliked it because it was too noisy and smelly and moved to the old house of Uncle Butcher. I also heard the shouts of the boss and wife calling the goose for dinner. My mother often likes to play mahjong in this tuck shop, because the boss and the wife never play big games, but only small bets. She doesn’t draw much water, and she is also a very nice person.

The boss’s daughter is not that beautiful, but she is gentle and kind, and is very patient with children. She even let my sister and I sleep in the main room on the second floor, and spread mats on the floor. Played with my sister and her daughter.

She was good at drawing. I remember once showing a portrait of a beautiful girl that I had drawn. At that time, I was very envious and liked her. Her daughter is also very cute. I can’t even remember her name, but I have never forgotten her daughter’s name. Her name is Binbin. Later I heard that they were also going through very painful things, and I felt sad for them. The old woman was pushed to the care of the youngest son, the boss, by the other brothers. The couple never cried and shied away because of the fatigue of taking care of this old man who could not take care of himself, but just silently, silently. Their daughter met a bad man and gave birth to Binbin. When Binbin was five or six years old, she got divorced and married a man from out of town whose wife was unreliable and divorced. I have met that man from out of town. He and my father seemed to have had work competition and communication. His wife is beautiful, but she likes gambling, doesn't take care of the children, and doesn't cook. I heard that he was so good at gambling that he once started gambling when buying pork in the morning, leaving his daughter to starve at home. I don’t know if the rumors are true or not, but I know that the gambling thing is true because I saw her at a local gambling place. So the two got divorced, and a good woman and a good man came together because of responsibility. I'm really happy for them. Each other's daughters have gone from being good friends to becoming real sisters.

Later I moved to Uncle Pig Killer’s house, where too many things happened at home. My mother was pretty good-looking when she was young. My father met my mother before he started working in the factory and fell in love with her. He coaxed her with sweet words. My innocent and ignorant mother listened to others saying that people much older than her would love women. I just accepted that my dad was also cheated on me. My mother said that when she was young, because of her good looks, the doorsteps of her hometown were almost crossed by matchmakers, but she was willful and refused. My grandmother respected my mother's opinion and refused many times, which offended many matchmakers. As a result, my dad was the monster. My father said in front of my mother how rich my fourth uncle was, and used other people's prestige as a bargaining chip to talk about feng shui. My old grandmother and grandfather had long recognized that my father was a thief and said that other people's things had nothing to do with us, but My mother is really too simple. My grandparents and my family are all gentle, kind and simple. After having me later, my dad’s face was exposed. After experiencing a lot of things from my dad that were beyond what a normal person would do, my mom once made a cruel decision to abandon me and cut off relations with my dad, but my dad threatened to kill me by saying that he would jump off a building with me, and even wrote a long letter. Threatening letters to my grandparents. I only learned all of this from my mother and grandmother when I was in high school and college. After hearing this, I had mixed feelings. I was even more disgusted with my dad and was extremely afraid of him. In the end, my mother couldn't let me go and stayed with my father. Who would have thought that what she did to my mother before was just the beginning. Later, my mother said that my father tried to turn on the gas to force her to die together, and also tried to strangle her with a rope. I knew that my mother had been domestically abused by him, because one of my mother’s earlobes was much thicker than the other because of too many violent slaps. Every time I know these things, I want to kill him with a thousand knives. There are too many more.

Uncle Shazhu’s old house has three large rooms, one of which is full of workers. There are five beds on the ground and my brother is sleeping in the attic. The space in the middle door was separated with a template and two beds were placed. The part near the door was used as a dining room. The other room was also separated with a board, and a soft bed was placed in each room. As my father and mother, I The place where my sister and I sleep. There was a large color TV in the space outside. At that time, I always watched Hong Kong movies with my brother and my cousin who worked with my dad, playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Contra, and Super Mario. Sometimes I would sleep with my grandpa in the worker's room. I would sleep inside and he would sleep outside. I remember when I was seven or eight years old, it was always very cold in the middle of the night when I slept with my grandpa, because my grandpa always snatched away the quilt when he was sleeping, and pressed me so hard that I couldn't pull it off. I woke up from the cold many times. I thought that as long as it was my grandpa's visit, everything would be wonderful. Later, my father came home later and later, and got up later and later. The fortifications were not arranged, and the workers could not do their work. As time went by, the workers all left. When they left, they kept asking for money but they couldn’t afford it. People in Hubei With the help of my grandpa, my relatives wrote IOUs and left. The relatives in Guangxi also left after settling the accounts. I remember that my fifth uncle and my third uncle both worked with my father in plastering in Guangdong, but my father was like that, so they all left. . My dad's trust in others was completely consumed in those five years. There are no workers in the back, no one is doing the work that I took over, and I can't make any money. I am in arrears with my wages, and I still borrow money to eat, drink, and gamble. I still remember one time during the Chinese New Year, when my mother had no money and asked my father for some food expenses, she only left 200 yuan on the ground for my mother to pick up. He took 20,000 yuan to go out to eat, drink, and gamble.

In the end, we had to find people from Henan and people from other provinces to work. But my father refused to change his ways, and ended up with more debts. One time, those workers in Henan brought a group of people to come to collect debts and wanted to beat my father. My dad, the slider, actually made many phone calls and let the local gangster friends support the scene, so he avoided this part. I remember my dad making up random calls to these people in the open space outside, and I thought this part was really ugly. Those workers couldn't get paid and had no choice but to leave.

During that time, there was a man from Sichuan or somewhere. He was very wretched. At that time, I came into contact with my father's adult video tapes, and I was in a very ignorant state about sex. Being exposed to it too early at a young age makes me feel curious and ignorant. One time when I came home from school, everyone in my family went out for construction. He said he was sick and was resting in the house. He coaxed me into the workers' room, made me take off my pants and licked my private parts and tried to penetrate him, but it was painful and could not be penetrated. Went in and finally gave up. There was another time later that he took off his pants and let me and another playmate who was two years younger than me touch his lower body. At that time, I felt disgusting and curious. After two times, I felt very scared for some reason and never dared to approach him again. Later, when we were having dinner together at noon, he drank too much and said that his family members were stealing his things. My dad took the luggage and rushed out. Ever since I came into contact with male organs, I was inexplicably afraid of close contact with men. One night when I was sleeping with my dad, my dad put his hand into my pants. My dad has never done this kind of thing to me, but that time it seemed that he did it in a confused state, and it was only that one time, but it still left a shadow on me. I secretly got his hand out and got out of bed, not daring to sleep with him. At that time, my aunt came to see us. My mother, aunt, and sister slept in the room inside. After I got out of bed, I didn’t dare to say anything and sat on the floor in the room inside, hugging my knees and fell asleep. However, the noise still affected my aunt, who asked me softly. :Tingting, what’s wrong with you? ? I said: It's okay, I don't dare to sleep, I'm afraid, I want to sleep with them. This most disgusting and indescribable thing has been hidden in my heart for many years and I have never mentioned it to anyone.