Fortune-telling jokes _ Fortune-telling jokes
Daxiangmian
A: Everyone likes to listen to cross talk.
B: Ah!
A: The characteristic of this cross talk is-is it funny?
B: That's right!
A: It makes people laugh. Two people talk cross talk, just talk casually at this stop?
B: Huh?
A: No.
B: No?
A: There are fixed lines. How can I put it? This is what the apprentice learned, paragraph by paragraph. We have been apprentices since childhood, and I became an apprentice when I was twelve. I am seventy years old now.
B: Alas!
A: Ah! This has been said for more than fifty years!
B: Alas!
A: Crosstalk has a long history! Crosstalk is the birthplace of our Beijing! This is where it started!
B: That's right!
A: How many years have you been crosstalk now? More than 200 years.
B: Oh!
A: Ah! It has a history of more than 200 years.
B: Hmm!
A: That's what I said today! This is just a traditional program. Have many traditions been performed in the play? Exploration II and this-Lost Space ......
B: Ah!
A: It all started. Can't traditional plays be put on the stage? That's not true! It must also be processed and classified. Lots of things! The traditional one should be restored slowly. If it's good for the people, it's good for the people. In our life, um-it's the Spring Festival, put a pair on it, put this-hang a brand, hang a brand, just this thing-
B: Ah!
A: There is a place called Hang Sign, Hang Sign. Does this thing need to be repaired?
B: Hmm!
Can you change the word? It's the New Year, decorate it! New Year's Day, post a few pairs, next year, Runrun! It's New Year! Brand new! Ah! Hang a sign! Hang a sign! Don't get rich, don't get rich! "Strive to increase production" and "practise economy".
B: Hey!
Can you use this word? It's also quite lively! Many shops have to be restored! Restore the original name! Restore its original name and call it this name. So is the food! Old snacks have been gone for several years and need to be restored. But it is said that it is not fully recovered, and some things cannot be recovered.
B: What?
A: Ah! Jumping, catching demons, circling the light, ah! Batch of eight characters, this this ..... marriage, mutual commitment between men and women, this, this can't be restored!
B: Oh!
A: That's all lies. Yes! There are fortune tellers, blind fortune tellers and blind fortune tellers! Ring the bell at night, when-when-! With a stick, when-when-! Calculate divination, calculate spiritual divination! Don't you feel confused if you want money and happiness, find someone to do something and find that blind man?
B: Hey!
I lost something, and I can't find it. Find the blind man, find Mr.-call him Mr.! Sir, do the math! You lost something, you looked for him, you stared at each other, and you couldn't find it for the blind? Will this work?
B: Yes!
A: physiognomy, divination, and judging the eight characters-which side has money means that you have a bright road! Seek money and happiness! You are ... begging for obedience! Show you the way Which way? Seeking money? Where is the money, he will show you the way? You asked for money, and he showed it to you? He's not going? He set up a stall for divination? He did it!
Look at that fortune teller, he is so hungry! My face is green and my neck is thinner than mine. Will this work?
B: Hey!
A: We used to have it in Beijing Tianqiao!
B: Ah!
A: We don't care about Tianjin!
B: That's right! Both.
A: I have also seen it. If Tianjin doesn't care about it, it will be a fortune teller, setting up a stall, divining the spirit, calculating the spirit, and approving the eight characters. Want money to be happy, find someone to work, get sick ... What's your problem? Let him count a dime. He showed you the way. Is this possible?
Trembling with cold, shrinking your neck, that's all! In winter, there is no cotton-padded jacket! No big cotton-padded jacket, wear a blue coat and wear a blue coat in winter. Afraid of the wind! There are four bricks under it.
Oh!
A: It's divination! It is not enough to choose divination! You can't make much money! What do we do? We run a sideline.
B: What sideline?
Answer: Set up a divination booth, spread a large piece of cloth under the ground, and put some nails-smash shoes nails and repair shoes. Some people repair shoes. They smashed several nails, that is, round common nail, big orange petal nail and orange petal nail. Alas! The shoe repairman smashed nails. A fortune teller earns a dime. Trembling with cold! I wish someone wouldn't give it to him and come to divination. How much does he earn?
B: Alas!
A: There really is such a person, cherry, who is confused. Bad luck!
B: Yes!
A: I went to see him. Stare at him and call him Sir: "Sir! Sir! I am counting. " I'm shivering with hunger. "Ah-ah-ah! Hmm? Is it divination? Are you a diviner? All right! Pay! Give me a dime! " Tianjin doesn't care about this, just ask for money first. "pay! A dime! A dime! Save money! " Then pay a dime. "Give you a dime!"
"good! You come to me to calculate the hexagrams and tell you that playing (just) is the spirit! "
B: Hmm!
Answer: "My divination is (only) spiritual! I mean-show you the way! I'm telling you, you-you didn't spend a penny! No white flowers! " Fold this dime, fold it and put it in your pocket. "To tell you, I told you this hexagrams, playing (just) is the spirit! I'll do the math for you. What I'm playing is spirit! You do the math! " Still playing outside, still have to touch! "You shake your mind!" Then take a copper coin and put it in a box. Huahuahuahua ... shake the hexagrams, pour them out, and fiddle with them for a long time. "What? Talk to me! What is it? "
It says, "I seek money. What do you think I am ...? You see, something is wrong with me. "
"You! ..... you! ..... Tell you, go out, go out, the northeast! "
B: Hmm!
A: OK! He sent people to the northeast. Who are you looking for in the northeast? Why are you going? Where are you going?
B: That's right.
A: "You have Yin Gui (person), Yin Gui (person) to assist, Yin Gui (person) ... Yin Gui (person) to assist you, you go to the Northeast! It's over, you're over! " That's it. I gave him a dime for nothing. There is nothing to say and nothing to ask. Standing here, I was shocked. "Look at my northeast, is there any danger?"
"no! You go! You go! Northeast! You only have the northeast! There are precious silver (people) in the northeast, you can change it, go to the northeast! It's over! "
This one leng, "good! Northeast! I'll thank you again when I come back, sir! Good! "
Just take two steps, and call back, "don't go! Come back! Come back! This trip to the northeast is not close. I can't even catch my shoes! You pay another dime and nail some nails! "
Hey hey!
Answer: hit three more nails and deal with a dime! It doesn't work at all! Someone will believe you when you say that! "oh! Fortune teller, he has a book! I have a set! Ma Yixiang, Water Mirror Zhang Quan, Liu Yuan Zhuang, Xiang Fa Zhang Quan, Xiang Fa Zhang Quan ... Four lines, four poems, eight words ... "
what's up
Isn't that a sealed book?
A: Condoms work! What "gobbledygook"? They also made it up!
B: Oh!
I have read this book.
B: What is it?
A: Cough! I have memorized this word!
B: Yes!
A: I want to press this word and calculate a divination for others. I will also take a picture of others. I will try! Is it invalid? What was the result?
B: are you smart?
Who am I going to meet? Who told me it's useless!
B: it doesn't work at all!
A: It's useless to anyone!
B: Yes!
A: Alas! But there is one thing. I want to give you a face-to-face meeting.
Really?
A: Look! Do you believe it or not?
B: I won't use it if others don't.
A: As soon as you hear this, you will understand. Oh! Why can he feel refreshed just by looking at his face? What's the point?
B: Ah!
A: You will know it as soon as you listen!
B: Really?
A: No, let's try 1.
B: Come on, come on! You give me a photo and I'll see if it works.
A: Stand still! Do you believe it or not?
B: Me. ......
A: believe it or not?
B: I ... believe it!
A: Letter! Well, well, if you believe it, I'm afraid you won't believe it. Faith is spirit!
Really?
A: Look!
B: Good! Let me see your face.
A: The first sentence! You are welcome! Say it if you can't!
B: Of course!
A: Alas! Don't take it, don't flatter me.
I told you it wouldn't work.
A: No, just say "No! Useless! " Just say it, just shout it out.
B: That's right! It doesn't work. I said it was useless.
A: Yes, that's right!
B: Alas! That's right!
A: Listen! Yes, that's right! How accurate!
I don't believe it.
A: Stand still! Look ahead! The first sentence, ah! You are a father, aren't you? Say!
B: That's right! Yes!
A: How about that? Hey! If not, you can say a few.
No, no, no, no, no I only have one.
A: Ah! That's right!
Oh, my God! How accurate! How accurate!
A: Don't hug me, don't hug me!
B: I don't praise you, I don't praise you! Just one, just one. .....
A: Second, second, accuracy. Look, it's still very clever! The second type: did your father and mother have you after they got married?
B: That's right! (Loudly) Yes, yes!
A: How about that?
I have been married for a long time.
A: Alas! Think about it, think about it!
No, no ... Forget it! That's what happened.
A: You'd better ... Ah! Think about it!
B: no!
A: That's right!
B: That's right.
Right again?
B: That's right again.
A: The third sample: How many brothers?
B: Two.
A: Huh?
B: Two, brother.
Twins?
B: Ah.
A: Sister doesn't count.
B: That's right!
A: Sister doesn't count.
B: Brother, brother.
A: Brother? All right! You either have a brother or you have a brother.
B: Huh? Have a brother, brother.
A: How about that? Right?
B: That's right.
Your brother is a little older than you. Right?
B: That's right.
A: No matter how old he is, he can't surpass your father.
B: Alas! Hey, hey ... ouch! If you want to surpass my father, it's my uncle! You go! Where is it? This is a mess? This is a divination. Are you kidding? Your brother is older than your father?
A: Isn't this a joke? Tell jokes.
Are you kidding? Haven't you counted my property?
A: Yes! Face reading! Take a good look, take a good look, take a good look! Be more specific!
B: Alas!
A: This year is an auspicious year for judging people's faces. Look at this face.
B: It looks familiar!
A: Alas! That's all! Face reading! Hold out your palm and let's have a closer look.
B: Huh? Palm? What do you mean by palm?
A: Hands.
B: Hands?
A: Alas! This rule!
B: Hmm!
Answer: "If you don't look at the claws (read the claws), you will not preach Buddhism." This is the rule!
Are these my claws?
A: What's its name?
B: Hands!
A: hands, I know it's hands!
B: Ah! Hands!
A: It's a hand!
Look at your hands. ......
A: It's a hand! I didn't say anything else
B: Then tell me these are claws! Don't look at your claws!
A: That's it! "If you don't look at the claws (read zhua), you can't pass the law."
B: I have never heard of it!
A: Hands are just ... "If you don't look at your hands, you won't preach the Dharma"? That's not enough! "If you don't look at the claws (read zhua), you can't pass the law."
B: I have never heard of it! "If you don't look at your hands, you must have never taught them."
A: Alas! That's enough! That's enough!
B: That's right!
A: That makes sense.
B: change your paws and do something! How's it going? This?
A: Oh! "If you don't look at your hands, you must have messed up your teaching" ... Oh! Right, right! All right!
Alas! All right! All right! (Look carefully)
B: OK, OK!
A: Palm reading! Look at these three lines on the palm. Everyone has three lines, just different, just like this fingerprint, a person is the same, there is no repetition. What about these three lines? It's not the same. , Wendi, Ren Wen, Sanwen! This line is not good!
B: Which way?
A: This way, cross this road.
B: Oh!
A: This is it. Look!
B: Yes.
A: Very famous!
B: Yes. What's your name?
A: Wash your lines!
B: Rush?
A: Not "Chong", but "Chong"! Two o'clock, a word "zhong". "Chong" and "Chong Windsor".
What's the story?
A: Alas! Have a comment on writing!
Tell me!
A: With stripes on the palms, teenagers must be lonely and poor. If you ask when there will be wealth, you can go to your husband and marry someone else. You!
Me?
A: Alas! Your husband lost it after you walked in the door. Alas! My husband is gone, and now you are going to get married. That's good! You'd better marry a Shandong person before you get married. Shandong people belong to wood, wood makes a fire, and husband and wife are happy. Better marry a fat man. Fat people belong to water, aquatic wood, so much the better. Look, it's so hot this year, and this fat man is coming.
Oh!
You will understand.
B: OK, OK! You go, you go! This face, even men and women all look not to come out, I am a man and I am a woman?
A: Female.
B: Ah! A man.
A: Female.
How did you know I was a woman?
A: Look! Hand in hand, male left and female right. Give me your right hand, woman!
B: You told me I couldn't reach my wrong hand! Still, still ... have to marry, and marry a big fat man! This fat man still comes to celebrate the New Year in June! Where did this happen?
A: Is this it?
B: Here you are.
A: Alas! Yeah! Left hand! Palm reading!
B: Alas!
A: Good! Not bad!
B: Is there anything delicious?
You have a good hand! This is inseparable.
How fresh! You can't live without being a duck!
A: Oh! Yes! Duck feet. Look at the palm, this is: fingers should be long, palms should be square, lines should be deep, hands should be thick; The big finger is the monarch, the last finger is the minister, the second finger is the main finger, and the fourth finger is the guest. The monarch and the minister deserve each other, and the guests are mainly harmonious. This is the so-called "dry", "look", "root", "truth", "training", "reason", "Kun" and "right". If you have a hollow palm, you will become rich! Look at your palm, turn it over, and look at the back of your hand. ......
Alas-(at the top of my lungs)
Look at that face!
Can I stand it?
A: Turn it over!
B: You turn like this!
A: Is it different?
B: Is it the same? I'm in the wrong circle!
A: Oh! Yes! This way, this way is acceptable. Yes! Yes! Look at the face of the hand, and then look at the steel bar.
B: Alas!
This is the blue veins.
B: This is reinforced.
A: Alas! Yes, if the rubber band is exposed, the elderly will suffer, but if the rubber band is not exposed, they will enjoy happiness when they are old, as if they were exposed, which is normal. According to your this, your life, you calculate a-what life?
B: That's right! What kind of life am I?
A: I asked you to hold it like this?
B: Really?
A: I said let you hold it like this?
Well, you didn't promise. He held up this finger and shook it. What's it called? It's called.
You're just-making fun of me!
Am I kidding you? Are you kidding?
A: That's what it means ... simply! Face reading!
B: Alas!
A: Look at the five senses.
B: That's right!
A: Do you look at each other? Mainly depends on your appearance!
B: Yes ... Ouch ... (making facial pain) What are you doing? This is?
A: Wipe your face!
B: OK! Is this a face wipe?
A: The five senses, mainly the five senses.
B: What are the five senses?
A: The five senses are eyebrows, eyes, nose, ears and mouth. This is called the five senses. Are there any nouns here?
B: Oh! What?
A: Are all the five senses and eyebrows longevity officials? Watch the inspector! The ear is the hearing officer, the mouth is the cashier and the nose is the judge. Press this ......
B: Here you are ... a dough kneader? This?
A: May I go? Me!
B: Does it make people look like that? Did you mention Lala's ears Is this physiognomy? This is?
Your hands are heavy?
My hands are too heavy.
A: Watch your hand.
B: Alas!
Answer: Eyebrows are longevity officers, eyes are supervisors, ears are hearing officers, mouth is cashier and nose is judge. I see your five senses. ......
Ouch. ......
Look at me! Who are you looking at? Look at that. Who are you going to see? Have to watch!
B: Wow!
A: OK!
B: Alas!
A: The facial features are correct.
B: Is there anything delicious?
A: It's great to say how good it is. They're not next to each other anyway.
B: That's right! They all grow together, I am a steamed stuffed bun!
A: The facial features are normal. Bad eyebrows!
B: Oh! Eyebrows!
Did you get a look at him? This is not nonsense, look for it in this photo album! It must be in the book! Eyebrows, eyebrows split.
B: divergent?
A: Alas! Divergent foreheads are not good for brothers. Dude, you can't rely on anyone. Right? Say! Tell the truth!
B: Right, right, right! My brother and I separated and moved on.
A: How about that? Do you think this is a good idea? Don't save money! Bad nose! There is a hole on the outside of the nose. "Ask your eyes, ask your wealth!" ! Aim! There is a hole in the outside of the nose. Doesn't it save money to expose vulnerabilities? Just this place,
This won't work!
B: poof-(blowing your nose)!
A: What's the matter?
B: I said, how do you play tricks on you?
A: What's this?
B: Pick your nose and eyes and put them in your mouth? Where did this happen? You this?
A: Just to give you a taste of salt.
B: Too salty!
A: It's a little salty.
Isn't that salty? Why don't you try?
A: Simple! Look at the auspicious year!
B: Alas.
This year is a lucky year.
B: Alas.
How old are you? How old are you this year?
B: Fifty-nine.
Really?
Really?
A: Can you make it at 60 o'clock?
B: Huh? Sixty?
A: Ah!
B: Why is 60 ok?
A: I know sixty words very well!
B: What does it matter if you are familiar with words? I know what you said very well. ......
You are fifty-nine years old? In his fifties? In his fifties? Go ahead!
B: Fifty-nine.
A: Don't lie, tell the truth.
Actually, it's 59.
A: Fifty-nine. Fifty-nine years old, an ox. You are from the Axis!
B: Who said I was a cow? Who said anything about cows?
A: Ah! Who said what?
I am not a cow.
A: Oh! You are a dog! Axis!
Who said that?
Answer: sheep, sheep, axis!
Is it a sheep?
What genus are you-rabbit? A tiger? Alas! These 16 zodiac animals have no you!
B: Sixteen Zodiacs?
A dozen?
B: Where are the 16 constellations? Twelve!
A: Twelve, yes, yes, yes! Without your zodiac!
Who said no?
A: You are not among the zodiac animals.
B: Yes!
Where are you?
I am a chicken.
A: Chicken?
B: Alas!
A: Oh! Yes! Yes! Fifty-nine years old is a chicken.
B: Ah.
A: Fifty-nine years old is a chicken. Oh! Right, right! Ugly son Mao Yinchen has been in Xu Hai, Shen You at noon. Oh, yes! It belongs to the chicken. Annual?
B: Huh?
What year?
B: Guimao Year ...? Hair is a rabbit!
A: Oh! Right, right, right! Hairy rabbit! You're not. Wei Jia?
B: Don't come again!
A: awei?
B: You fake feed, but I really eat. What's the matter? This is?
A: You-you-you're not!
B: promising?
A: Ghosts? Is there a ghost?
B: Where do ghosts come from?
What are you doing?
B: Why do you want to return it?
A: What the hell?
You are a chicken. I was born a year ago. I am a chicken.
A: Oh! I was born in my own time.
B: Alas!
A: Eight years old?
B: Huh? I'm eight years old?
A: Who said it was so big? Who says he is eight years old now? You were eight years old once when you were a child.
B: Ah! Yes! Of course, once.
Were you lucky when you were eight years old?
B: Oh!
A: When I was eight years old! Yes! "Eight years old, eighteen years old, twenty-eight years old, down to the top of the mountain."
B: Oh!
A: This is called Shangen. The place with the shortest nose is called the mountain root. Five senses! The five senses control the Universiade, and the parts control the fleeting time. From here to here, this is thirteen parts. Say "the heaven is full, and Fiona Fang is a local pavilion". Is this called heaven? Where's the locker?
Tell me.
A: Right here. This is called Tianzhong, Tiantang, Sikong, Zhongzheng, Tang Yin, and Tang Yin between the eyebrows; Shangen, Nianshang, Shoushang, Zhuntou, Renzhong, Mercury, Chenggong and Dige. This is thirteen parts. Say, "Eight, eighteen, twenty-eight, go down to the top of the mountain. If you have money without a library, both ends will be gone, and 30 Tang Yin can't take it away. " One to fourteen years old, walking with two ears, 15 bun, 16 days. In the sky, this is ha. Heaven, heaven! 17, 18 sun and moon angles. This is called the sun angle, and this is called the moon angle. Seventeen, eighteen! Nineteen, twenty or so, these two big sideburns. You are 28 years old, go to Tang Yin! Thirty ... Ah, thirty is good! You! The fire is booming! All right! Lucky at the age of 30, you made money that year, but you didn't make money?
B: (thinking) thirty. ......
How was that year? At the age of thirty, I was lucky, but I didn't make any money.
B: Oh! No, no. I got married that year.
A: Married? Then call it good luck! Good luck with your marriage! Take a wife! How old is my wife? No, how old is your wife?
B: You're right! Is it your wife or my daughter-in-law? I almost made a mistake!
Answer: (vaguely) Your daughter-in-law, yours, first-first-first yours!
B: May I eat first?
A: No! It's all yours.
B: The land is mine!
A: That is your daughter-in-law. How old is your wife?
Five years younger than me.
A: Being five years younger is not good!
B: Huh?
A: No, no!
B: Why not?
A: It's not good to marry a little wife! Your daughter-in-law should be older than you. Marrying a little wife is the same fate.
B: Really?
A: Bad luck after marrying a daughter-in-law!
B: Really?
A: How about that?
B: That's right!
A: Your life! Okay, here's a comparison.
Compared with what?
A: The towering building leads downstairs. Your life,
What do you mean?
A: Step by step, year after year, month after month, day after day, all the time, all the time.
B: I'm finished! How about later?
A: Life! Step by step, step by step, wet step by step; Spider webs are in front of the eaves, blown by strong winds. Half of it is broken, and the other half is reunited. No matter how much money you earn, you can't save it. The money earned is like the flowing water of the Yangtze River, and the money lost is like the wind, flowers and snow. The name is false, and the profit is false. Take three steps! (orders B to take three steps) Go!
B: Three steps? (Three steps forward)
A: Take two steps back!
B: Oh! All right! Take two steps back. (Take two steps back)
Stay where you are!
B: Alas! (bilibili returns to his original position)
A: Forward! Not good! Can't!
B: Why not?
A: I'll come straight to you. This is not good. You go, shake! Not only wobbly, but also noisy, all noise! Walking is like turning, walking is like pulling, and you don't eat breakfast or dinner.
B: Cough!
A: You've been there! Defeat To put it bluntly, it is called "failure"! It's in the album. It's called "snake run" and "snake run, it's only been three days"
B: Alas!
Oh, my God! If you speak loudly, you will whisper. The speech is divided into three paragraphs, and there is no accurate Chinese. Speak calmly, speak slowly, there are many villains, keep silent, move your lips and be poor. Tell me about the bad cough! Push hard!
Ah-ahem! (Cough)
A: That's it! I have no confidence!
B: I can't live any longer!
A: This cough is divided into rich and poor! Richness and rhyme are obvious in the abdomen, qi is firm and throat is wide and sharp, and poverty is inseparable from the lips. You ah! Nothing is desirable! No amount of money can be saved! You have been busy all these years! No amount of money can be saved! Hold a wallet in your left hand and a bottomless box in your right hand; How much to hold, how much to leak; Spend as much as you earn. It is difficult for you to know the fish pond with flowers and trees railings; Some people say that your heart is high, and it is difficult to be wronged. Donkey dung ball-
B: Huh?
Answer: donkey dung ball, it's light outside!
B: Yes!
A: People who don't know think, Wow! Wang Fengshan, you did a great job! In fact, there is nothing!
B: That's right!
A: So far, we haven't used a room.
B: Yes!
A: There is not an acre of land.
B: Alas!
You must rent a room.
B: That's right! Yes!
Your family is from Beijing.
B: Ah!
My hometown is here. From here to the north, more than two miles, is your home.
B: That's right!
A: Is that right? A complex, three blocks, even your four. You live in two rooms, the north room and two rooms near the west end, a small back room and a big outhouse.
B: That's right!
A: There are three people in the family, you, your wife and a grandson.
B: That's right!
A: You had jiaozi for dinner, and you also returned the baked wheat cake. Dumpling stuffing is salty. Your lover went to the opera, locked the door and left the key in Talia Liu's room.
B: Ah!
A: Is that right?
B: That's right! Why are you so smart?
A: Of course it does.
B: Ah!
A: We live in the same hospital!
B: The First Hospital!