High marks, knees, jokes, brain teasers, songs ... all a tour guide can do is mobilize the tourists in the car. ...
2. I finally know that teacher Heda's boarding teacher is a Christian. The first thing he said when he entered our dormitory was, "My God! ! ! "(Zhao Yan)
I went to the canteen to make potatoes and beef. I accidentally dropped a piece of beef, so I only ate potatoes! (Sun Moon Guanghua)
You think I really won't talk nonsense! Nine words-I brought a life buoy! ! ! (I love Nankai)
In the future, when we have money, we will make a movie called Sex, which is an instant hit! Talk about the troubles of our ordinary people buying a house ~ (Shui Mu community)
6. I'm not afraid to see a pervert. I'm a female doctor, and I'm not afraid of ~ ~ (thinking about drinking water)
7. Beijing University of Science and Technology cheated me for four years, so I plan to cheat the society with the knowledge taught by Beijing University of Science and Technology for life! (University of Science and Technology Beijing)
8. Feminine people live in caves and paternal people live in tall buildings-this is genital worship! (blue starry sky)
9. Happiness is in your own hands, not someone else's mouth! (At first glance, Shui Mu community)
10.gg smiled strangely at mm: "There are three caves of cunning rabbits, and so are good women ~" (Goodbye, Shui Mu Community)
1 1. Hua was successfully re-elected as the first lady of the president of the student union, but she lost again in the election for the president of the student union ... (unnamed Peking University)
12. My hands are too stupid, but he is too handsome ~ So I knitted with a ferocious smile and thought: I can't believe how you are so handsome in the scarf I knitted around ~ (unnamed Peking University) (please indicate the happy paradise of Tianya community)
13. I've always wanted to hold a wedding in Zhongnanhai. I don't know how long I have to wait ... (Sun Moon Guanghua)
14. I went to the ladies' room with my boyfriend's bath card yesterday. As a result, as soon as I plugged it in, the machine automatically buzzed: there is a pervert! At the same time, the words "alarm" kept flashing on the screen ~ (Shui Mu community)
15. A good teacher can take you to heaven no matter which bed you are in, and a bad teacher can take you directly to the suite! (Unnamed Peking University)
16. Dear, no matter how deep I fall into the well, I believe you will save me-use your belt! (Xici)
17. Once I cried and shouted that I would never cry for women again, and my mother beat me up. I was 8 years old that year ~ (Tianya Happy Paradise)
18. Friends around you, get famous quickly, so that my memoirs can sell well ~ ~ ~ (Sun Moon Guanghua)
19. After all, I didn't overtake that BMW, so I just watched it disappear in the sunset. You know, it's not my engine that's bad, it's my car chain that fell off ~ (Tianya Happy Paradise)
20. With Chen Yongjie (female) dropping out of school, the "auspicious three treasures" era of the accounting department of Grade 04 has come to an end, and a brand-new "beauty" era is about to begin. Please tell each other! (I love Nankai)
2 1. Angry youth is only one step away from patriotism, but not one step away from SB! (Unnamed Peking University)
22. North Korea and South Korea can never merge! Because they are like bra on China's chicken breast, protecting China from Japanese blasphemy! (Shui Mu Community)
23. With the progress of society, women are the most powerful in life; With the development of science and technology, men are weak in bed! (Tianya Happy Paradise)
24. Huo Qubing not only succeeded at my age, but also died for several years ... (Shui Mu Community)
25. China Chronicle: Prehistory->; Liberated by1949->; Future. (Unnamed Peking University)
26. I think, at the beginning, when I was in love, I removed the bed and got together; Sigh now, after I got married, I left the pillow mat and embarked on my own road ~ (unnamed Peking University)
27. In autumn, I buried my wife underground, but in winter, my uncle, the policeman, also buried me underground ...
28. Three aunts told me the other day: "Your family just bought a house, so you should be able to find someone?" (clove)
29. Mr. Shen Congwen once taught at Wuhan University. According to his present major, he belongs to the Computer College. As the first programming language textbook in China, his masterpiece Border Town will go down in history forever! (Luojia Mountain Water)
30. Pujiang talks about swords, and smoke rises again! Will the next mayor challenge Xiao Shenyang, the father of corruption, or will he manage 3,000 beautiful women in the harem with an MBA degree? Mobile users send "Theory of Three Represents Theory" to 3838, and Unicom and PHS users send "Eight Honors and Eight Disgraces" to 7474 to choose your favorite Shanghai mayor! (Sun Moon Guanghua)
3 1. Wife, I missed at least three advertisements when you walked through the TV just now! (Xici)
32. My mother-in-law taught her girl in front of me: "If you are lazy, you must be diligent!" (Shui Mu Community)
33. Fall in love with you-I have tied my head to my belt! ! (Zhao Yan)
34. Every girl should have a pair of good shoes, because wearing them will lead us to happiness ~ (Yixian Time and Space)
35. The first part: Mao Shouwu holds, asking Jiaren to think about Zhoukou? Bottom line: Tongue to tongue, you will live in harmony with Xianggong. Cross-string: Walk upright! (Shui Mu Community)
36. One person is not called Duchunyuan, and two people are called Chunyuan ~ (Shui Mu Community).
37.
38. Hugging is really a strange thing. Obviously we are so close, but we can't see each other's faces ...
39. Shantou University girl: "Don't expect China men to bring you pleasure!" (tulip)
40. Boys from Shantou University; "China's JJ is like a spaceship in China. Don't look at small things, send you to heaven at once! " (tulip)
4 1. Over the years, I have long been used to it-everyone on the altar can talk about girls and love, and everyone can make a long speech and make a clear analysis, as if they had experienced vicissitudes in boundless love's world. You should know when you meet such a boy. Most of these people have never even pulled a girl's little hand! (Yixian Time and Space)
42. Romeo and Juliet met at the dance and fell in love at first sight. The next day was XX. Imagine now that two people meet in a disco and then stay in a hotel. Are these all love? (Unnamed Peking University)
43. After half a year in college, I understand that love is everywhere, and libraries, basketball courts and canteens can all be the birthplace of love. Because of this, love in college is so cheap ~ (anonymous Peking University)
It pains me to see skinny African refugees on TV, but my grandmother said, "Baby, don't be fooled by the TV now. They will have no money to eat, so their mother will take them to have a perm! " (Shui Mu Community)
45. My mother said to be kind, praise her cleverness when she sees someone more beautiful than me, praise her temperament when she sees someone smarter than me, and simply say that she is a beautiful girl invincible in the universe! ! ! (Zhao Yan)
46. I remember my tutor once said that when Marx wrote Das Kapital, when he was tired, he would do several calculus problems to give his brain a rest. At that time, I thought Marx was really a strongman ~ but who would have thought that now I am doing calculus and writing Das Kapital ... (blue starry sky)
47. If a dog passes by you, it won't look at you in a hurry; If it's okay, it will look at you. If your eyes are more friendly, they will turn around your feet. This kind of etiquette is lacking between people.
48. Who is the only one these days? The stupid classmate said that stupid *B was his only one, and we laughed. We said that life is our only thing, and God smiled. God said that all beings are his only one, and my old sow smiled. Specifically, it is caused by facial muscle necrosis and nerve compression ...
49. Fashion classic of modern network: A young man who came out of a diploma workshop, couldn't find a job, couldn't afford a house and couldn't even walk through the back door, first read YY novels that raided Tokyo on the Internet, then went to Tianya Guo Guan to scold "Rightist" dogs when he was tired, and then went to a military forum to discuss how to deal with the US aircraft carrier fleet during the Taiwan Strait War. The ideal realm to describe such characters with Tianya Waishi is: "The Han flag floats on the head of Mount Fuji, and Hu Ji enjoys the cherry trees." It never occurred to them that even if this absurd ideal is really realized, the person who "rewards Hu Ji under the cherry tree" is still the person who "rewards Han Ji on earth", and he himself is still the nobody who eats instant noodles in the Internet cafe and gets paid at the end of the month ~ (Tianya Miscellaneous Talk)
50.B
Slipped as usual.
Because she is wet (Tianya Poetry Society)
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5 1. I didn't eat burnt rice when I ate rice. I feel: today, the canteen changed yesterday's old rice; (seeking truth from facts)
I didn't eat bugs when I was eating Chinese cabbage. I feel: I bought flooded cabbage in the canteen today;
I didn't eat pigskin when I ate stew. I feel: today, the canteen is using the fried dough sticks left over from yesterday;
I didn't eat eggshells when I ate scrambled eggs. I feel: Today, the new girl beat eggs in the canteen;
I didn't eat a rag when I ate noodles with noodles. I feel: the canteen didn't clean the pots and pans again today;
I didn't eat cigarette butts when I ate fried rice with eggs. I feel: the canteen doesn't need a chef to cook again today;
I didn't eat grasshoppers when I was eating fried noodles with shredded pork. I feel: today, the canteen is using the leftover minced meat fried noodles from yesterday;
I didn't eat eggplant when I ate grilled eggplant. I feel: soy sauce vinegar was burned in the canteen today;
I didn't eat rotten buds when I ate potato pieces. I feel: today, the canteen sells black-hearted potatoes again;
I didn't eat soap when I ate baked tofu, feeling: I have to wash the pot with tofu in the canteen again today. ...
52. The fastest is the electricity meter, and the slowest is the network speed! (Unnamed Peking University) (Please indicate the Happy Paradise of Tianya Community for reprint)
53. This is Yu Jian, one of the four handsome boys in our class. I, Lu Ce and Hu Hao are in the top three. (University of Science and Technology Beijing)
54. Ma Yinchu once told the Chairman categorically: "China has a large population because there is no electricity in the countryside at night! ! ! "(unnamed Peking University)
There is no essential difference between your American programming and birdcage weaving in our village. There are holes in it! (Tiandi people's congress)
56. There are things that can be done and things that can't be done-such as going to bed early and getting up early ~ (Shui Mu community)
57. My friend's name in his girlfriend's mobile phone is "He", and then they broke up and became "It". ...
58. My roommate is from Hunan. She went to the school store to buy toilet paper. She didn't even understand what the waiter said several times, so she used body language to express it. Finally, the waiter took out a huge spoon from behind the counter ... (Tianya Entertainment Gossip)
59. Q: After Comrade Chen Liangyu was killed in September, why didn't the central government transfer a party secretary from outside, but supported Vice Mayor Han? A: Because tickets are too difficult to buy during the National Day! (Tiandi people's congress)
60. My name is Mao Mao, the mayor's sister. I am the guardian of Crystal Castle, and this is my mount-motorcycle. One day, I got a miraculous secret When I pulled out my stick, I shouted, "Give me strength-I am the city manager ~ ~".
6 1. will soon be "6. 17", commemorating the anniversary of Jia Jue's death 1. I wanted to invite my friends out to play cards, but I forgot to think about it later ~ (drink water)
62. Damn TOEFL! ! ! My money, I am sorry for you, 555 ... (unnamed Peking University)
63. I was thirsty for surfing the Internet last night, and I couldn't find a water cup for a while. I vaguely remember putting it behind the laptop screen just now, so I minimized all the windows ... -_-b (Sun Moon Guanghua)
64. My father is rich and not single. I am single and have no money. My mother is the happiest-with a rich husband and a single son ~ (unnamed Peking University)
65. Zhejiang Electric Power School Motto: The school gate is tighter than girls! (Tianya Happy Paradise)
66. I began to study hard and paint portraits for others! One person is 30, two people are 50, and there is no extra charge for removing moles and dimples ~ (thinking of drinking water)
67. When I am rich, I will go to the canteen to eat pot-wrapped meat every day, so that pigs can't grow tenderloin! ! ! (Sun Moon Guanghua)
68. There is no so-called hometown. The so-called hometown is just the last stop of our ancestors' wandering journey. (All Yun Xin students)
69. I really want to control your grandfather's crying myself: Dad! (Tianya Happy Paradise)
70. I've always wanted Lu Xixi's seven canned little people. That's cool! Although the robot cat is invincible, it has an obvious weakness-the target is too big and it is easy to be kidnapped! ~(QQ nickname: six a six b)
First, change money.
When my brother got married, he asked me to change 50 yuan and 20 yuan into small red envelopes.
I took 1k and went to the bank to exchange it. Sb said with a very bad attitude, "No, I can't change it for you."
What a bad attitude. I asked for "say it again" very viciously, and the guy said "no"
I said, "You wait" and sb said, "You threatened me."
I took my ID card and said, "Open an account, deposit 1k".
It's over. I said "20 more" and I raised 20 twice in a row.
Sb said, "What do you mean?"
"If you make money, you can't close your account after 50 trips."
Sb despondently gave me 50 new 20 yuan, bitch! ! !
Second, why is it called CCB?
I just went to the cheap bank next to the hospital to withdraw money. There are many predecessors of ATM machines, and everyone is waiting in line to bask in the sun.
But the strange thing is that there is only one customer in the business hall.
So I went to a window and said to the dragon, Put on airs shop assistant, take 800 yuan.
The man even said he could pick it up at the ATM outside. I asked him why he couldn't get it at the counter.
He said that everyone below 5000 will take it from ATM, saying that it is to save time, improve efficiency and divert. I was stupid. Diversion?
I asked him, there is a long line outside the ATM, and there is no one inside. How much efficiency has this saved?
Is there any document that stipulates that you can't take anything below 5000 at the counter? Any other bank will do!
That son of a bitch said it was a cheap document, and I said show it to me! He can't take it out, but he just won't take it anyway.
I looked at the people waiting in line to bask in the sun outside, and then at the bitch who read the newspaper and blew the air conditioner inside. I was angry and decided to punish him.
I said yes, then take 5000! After that, he gave me 5000, and I took 100 and said to save 100!
He couldn't deposit money at the ATM, so he did. When he finished typing this 100, I took 100 again and said to save it 100!
That son of a bitch said you couldn't save it once?
I said that the document I sent to myself stipulated that I could only save 100 at a time. What's the matter? I will deposit 100 once and 100 once.
Slowly surrounded by many supporters, everyone said well done!
Someone next to me immediately did the same thing with me.
Finally, they led out and said arrogantly, you disturb the financial order, I will call the police. .
I said I was saving money. Isn't a bank a place to save money? You have a file that says you can't save 100 at a time. Show me!
Many people around me support me and accuse me loudly.
Finally, the leader said sorry, and we will definitely improve our working methods in the future. For your convenience, and so on. .......
When I turned to leave, I said to him, now I know why you are CCB, because you are so cheap!
Third, China Merchants Bank counterfeit money
I went to China Merchants Bank to withdraw money (for the company) two days ago. As a result, I found a fake RMB 100 when I copied it. Because I majored in accounting, the company also had previous cases (some people found that the salary paid by the bank was fake), so I paid special attention. Then I said to the counter lady: Miss, there is something wrong with your money.
Miss: What's the problem?
I said: fake.
Miss: No way. You left the counter.
I was angry at that time: What happened to your eyes? Which eye did you see me leave the counter?
So I had a quarrel with her, and she had a bad attitude, as if I was looking for money on purpose, and her words were sharp to me ~
I said: Is there something wrong with your copying machine? You didn't call the police when you copied it? Ok, let's call the police ~ I thought we would call the police when we found counterfeit money 1 10 ~!
By this time, the bank had already quarreled ~ the president of the bank came out ~ things were not asked clearly ~ and they were dumped at the first time
Bottom line: Did you leave the counter? If you leave the counter, you can't prove that the counterfeit money is from us!
I'm dizzy! I thought it was ridiculous: did he come out to solve the problem? 2 Don't say anything and push the responsibility clean ~ "
I said, did I leave the counter? It doesn't count ~ so watch the surveillance video ~ or I'll call the police to see what you do ~
At this time, the bank president began to be a little "soft" and his attitude improved a lot. He also smiled and said to me:
So what do you think is the solution? You make a plan.
I was a little dizzy and didn't think much: 1 penalty 10! Blurt out ~
Bank President: 1 Payment 10, which is unlikely. How about 50% discount? I thought about it, forget it ~
As a result, I finally took the money and said to the president and the counter lady: You'd better remember this face in the future and don't play any tricks (many banks have illegal operations and often issue counterfeit money, most of which are not easy to find in accounts with large numbers.
Finally, the president greeted me out of the door with a big smile on his face ~
Four. Agricultural bank of China VIP
Since a few months ago, the Agricultural Bank of Hohhot has set up a VIP window, which only handles the business of more than 5W yuan. Once I wanted to return 1W, and the queue in the small window was too long. The VIP window was empty, so I went to the VIP window. The staff asked me how much to mention, and I said1w. She directly said that businesses under 5W would line up at the small window. I said, I want 6W, and she said, 6W is fine. After giving me 6W cash, I took 1W, stuffed the remaining 5W back, and said, Leave me 5W. The staff member fainted directly.
Verb (short for verb) withdraw all cash.
Another time, in an ICBC, after Party A received a sum of 140W, I went to ICBC to make a payment. Because there is no ICBC card, I plan to transfer money by card. As a result, the staff actually said that they needed to copy their ID cards. Their copier is broken, and they want me to make copies myself. I was furious and said, forget it, don't save it, 140W withdraw it all! You can apply for the plan tonight, and I'll pick it up tomorrow! The director of the banking department changed his face at that time. Then, a little girl laughed and said, bring me your ID card and I'll make a copy for you. A moment, please. . . Well, I felt psychologically balanced at that time. . .
Kung fu edition
Invigilator: Students who cheat with textbooks, please come out!
Cheating examinee: I won't cheat anything!
Invigilator: Huh? Dare to talk back? Don't you think it's not cheating to know that a cat with three legs is recruited?
Cheating candidates: Cheating is not illegal. Do I have to tell you that I have learned to be at home?
Invigilator: Shit! Don't think I won't arrest you just because I'm handsome!
Cheating candidate: I'm not afraid. Even if I catch one person, there will be ten million people in Qian Qian.
Invigilator: Oh ... ...
World without thieves edition
Invigilator: That classmate, how did you cheat?
Cheating candidate: Who cheated here? Stand up and show my teacher! Teacher, look, no one stands up. Nobody cheats here.
Invigilator: I like it very much. I hate it when you cheat with your textbooks. You have no technical content at all! Hey, how did you copy the book just now? Like this? ..... like this? ..... (imitating the action of the examinee who cheated just now)
Cheating candidate: (smile apologetically) OK, put your hands down ... put them down.
Invigilator: What are you laughing at? Criticize you! Be serious! Do you know what is most precious in the examination room? Wind measurement! Organized and undisciplined! I can tell you responsibly that the teacher is very angry and the consequences are very serious!
Cheating examinee: Teacher, cut me some slack. I can't get caught, I'm terminally ill!
Invigilator: No way.
Cheating candidates: alas! I turn my heart to the bright moon, which shines on the ditch. Those who know me make me worry, and those who don't know me make me want.
Invigilator: Oh ... ...
House of flying daggers
Invigilator: You forced me to arrest you!
Cheating examinee: You can take my paper, but you can't remember my name!
Invigilator: Oh ... ...
2046 edition
Cheating examinee: Even if I help you set a negative example today.
Invigilator: Well, please help me if necessary in the future.
Cheating examinee: faint ... ...
Mobile version
Invigilator: I have repeatedly taught you that cheating is very troublesome. You are in trouble.
Cheating candidate: Teacher, give me another chance.
Invigilator: You said you wanted to turn over a new leaf. I think you want to have a relapse!
Cheating candidates: be kind ~ ~
Invigilator: Oh ... ...
Hero edition
Cheating examinee: I know you are looking at me. I let you catch me on purpose.
Invigilator: But I won't arrest you. Because the highest state of grasping is-don't grasp!
Cheating candidates: faint
Infernal affairs edition
Cheating candidates: Why? I just want to pass the exam. Isn't that okay?
Invigilator: Sorry, I'm the invigilator.
Cheating candidates: I have reported so many cheating candidates to you. Give me a chance.
Invigilator: Sorry, I'm the invigilator.
Cheating examinee: faint ... ...