What are some jokes that use stocks to describe people?

1. I met a woman on the trading floor. She said: The Chinese stock market is a bit like an impotent husband. Abandon him, it’s a bit reluctant to let him go; stay together, you will suffer every day. Serve him with delicious food and drinks, hoping that he will be able to get some yang energy. Just when he saw his erection and before he took off his clothes, he already couldn't do it. The key is that you had just put on your clothes and were about to have an affair, and he pulled you from behind and said, "You have a reaction. You have a reaction. Just wait!"

2. The bear market has finally come. Three friends who originally relied on stocks to make a living had no choice but to start looking for jobs. The three of them came to a restaurant to apply for jobs. The boss asked the first person: "What are your specialties?" The answer was: "I used to be a trader and I know how to speculate." The boss asked: "How are your skills?" The answer was: "It's nothing, except that you can speculate the stock price from 5 yuan to 50 yuan." It’s only 1 yuan.” The boss was very happy and said, “Okay! I need a chef here, and it’s you.” The second person handed over his resume, and the boss looked over and said, “Oh, I’m a stock critic.” "Your job is to stand at the door every day and pull people in when you see them. Isn't this difficult for you?" The second person smiled and said, "Simple, simple." The boss turned to the third person and asked: "What are you doing?" The man's face turned red with embarrassment and he didn't dare to say a word. The second person hurriedly said: "I brought him here. He is a retail investor. He can just arrange a job like washing dishes and sweeping the floor." The boss was a little embarrassed and said: "I am a very high-level person here. What do you want a retail investor to do?" , suddenly heard a noise in the lobby, the boss hurriedly called a waiter and asked her what happened. The waiter replied: "The buyer forgot to buy meat today, and the dishes ordered by the guests could not be delivered for a long time. He is losing his temper." The boss suddenly panicked. At this time, the retail investor next to him suddenly pulled out a sharp knife and stroked it. He cut off a large piece of meat from his trouser leg with a sharp knife, and threw it bloody to the waiter: "Take it for emergency first!" He turned to the boss and said, "I don't have any other skills. I do it all the time. If you don't believe me, ask them." Both of you." The boss Dayue said: "Very well, let's go to work today!"

3. Those who drown are those who know how to swim; They all look at the K-line;

Those who stand guard are all band players;

Those who buy the bottom are the richest;

Those who cut the flesh, They all borrow loans;

The old-timers all listen to the radio;

The old-timers all want to cover the market;

The ones who sing a lot, They are all on the pirate ship;

Those who sing empty words are all deceived;

Those who lose money are all diligent in accounting;

Those who make profits , are all very lazy.

4. A retail investor was walking by the river. An official from the China Securities Regulatory Commission walked over and warned him that it was dangerous to stand by the river and that he would bear the consequences of falling into the river. Retail investors are dissatisfied: What does it have to do with me standing by the river? And continued to take a small step forward. The China Securities Regulatory Commission pulled out officials from the Ministry of Finance and kicked the retail investors violently, causing them to fall into the water. Looking at the bubbles emerging from the river, the official from the China Securities Regulatory Commission said proudly: I told you to be careful but you didn't listen. Is something wrong now? ”

5. The first time I fell, it was like a girl having her hands touched. She was so nervous! The second time she fell, it was like someone touched her breasts. It was so scary! If she falls again, she would feel so nervous. , it’s like being raped, it’s so painful! If I fall again, I won’t feel it anymore! Damn it! I’m already like this, who am I to be afraid of?

6. Lu Xun said: There is no falling limit in the world. If there are too many people cutting meat, it will become a falling limit.

7. The wind and rain send the cattle home, and the blizzard welcomes the bear. The stock market is already covered with ice. Which one? Is the stock still in demand? It’s hard to win. If you hesitate to sell, only the devil knows when the stock index will bottom.

8. The stock market is a story: falling in love is called stock picking; getting engaged is called building a position. Getting married is called a transaction; having a child is called allotment; having more children is called additional issuance; divorce is called unwinding, quarreling is called shock; breaking up is called cutting, falling out of love is called falling limit; separation is called suspension; remarriage is called reorganization, and remarriage is called rebound; pregnancy is called holding rights, and childbirth is called It's called ex-rights; feeding is called filling rights; bullying one's wife is called short-selling; looking for flowers and asking willows is called bullishness; making alliances is called bubbles... If you understand these stories, you will understand the stock market.

9. A man was buying a book in a bookstore and said to the clerk: "I want to buy a book. There is no murder in it, but murderous intent is hidden in it; there is no love, but love and hate are hard to let go; there is no detective, but there is always vigilance. Can you introduce me to one? ""Only this one," the clerk said, "China's stock market."

10. Confucius said: When three people walk together, there must be investors;

Cao Zhi. Said: This is a bank, why rush to sell down;

Su Shi said: I don’t know the true face of Mount Lu, just because I am in the stock market;

Lu Youyou: Buy stocks to unwind. On this day, don’t forget to tell Nai Weng when offering family sacrifices;

Wen Tianxiang said: Since ancient times, whoever has no shares in life has to keep the funds and wait for the bottom;

Xu Zhimo said to the stock market: I will leave gently Just as I came gently, I waved my sleeves, but I couldn’t get my principal back at all.

11. A comprehensive look at the living conditions of stock investors: It’s noon on a hoeing day, which is not as painful as trading; looking at the K-line chart, there is no trace throughout the day; I have cried all morning and will cry again in the afternoon; whether the position is replenished or not, My heart is in pain.

12. The stock index has been falling all the way, and there is a "basement" under the "floor", and there is an "18th level of hell" under the "basement"; when it fell to the 18th level of hell, some investors asked the King of Hell, this time But has it really bottomed out? Unexpectedly, King Yama laughed loudly and said, You are wrong again! After refinancing, I have expanded the hell to 36 floors!

13. A cup of tea, a pack of cigarettes, staring at a bad stock for half a day;

One penny, one point of leisure, a group of retail investors can hold it for half a year;

One horse, a group of bookmakers, a bunch of stock reviews are lying;

One institution, one securities regulator, I don’t know who is playing prank;

14. A shares, B shares, H-shares, stocks are going downhill;

Main board, small board, third board, all boards are finished;

Bank of China, China Construction Bank, Agricultural Bank of China, all banks have trouble;

Yesterday , today, tomorrow, falling every day;

Farmers, citizens, stock investors, every refugee;

The stock market, property market, car market, the market is sad;

Stocks , banknotes, lottery tickets, tickets harm people;

Hongqiu: Don’t let people live.

15. The China Securities Regulatory Commission admitted that the original location of the exchange was not based on Feng Shui. It should not be located in Shanghai (harm) and Shenzhen (Shenzhen earthquake), but should be located in Tianjin (Tianjin) and Xiamen (Xiamen). , Hunan Yueyang (Yueyang) and Hengyang (Hengyang) can also be used as candidates to completely change the current situation of impotence in the Chinese stock market. The Shanghai Index has had zero growth around seven years ago, and Shang Fulin has lived up to his reputation (with zero growth). Investors have strongly requested that Zhang Wannian (a rise of 10,000 years) be appointed as the chairman of the China Securities Regulatory Commission.

16. Education: Hope goes in, despair comes out. Medical treatment: Small illnesses go in, serious illnesses come out. Real estate: Enter the small house, and come out the house slave. Acting: The beautiful girl goes in, the young lady comes out. Letters and Visits: Dou E goes in and the lunatic comes out. Officialdom: Hai Rui goes in, He Shen comes out. Coal Kiln: Go in squatting and come out lying down. University: the campus beauties go in and the residual flowers come out. Stock market: Yang Wanwan goes in, Yang Bailao comes out, BMW goes in, bicycles come out, suits and leather shoes go in, briefs come out.

17. The hardest to tell: the truth; the hardest to insist on: the true character; the hardest to find: a close friend; the hardest to educate: children; the hardest to resist: temptation; the hardest to maintain: health; the hardest to understand: Happiness; the hardest to keep: time; the hardest situation: living in a small house; the hardest to understand: house prices: the hardest to understand: statistics; the hardest to make money: the stock market; the hardest to show: a smile; the hardest to shed: tears; the hardest to distinguish: fake Words; the hardest thing to express: pain.

18. If you watch the Chinese stock market during the day and Chinese football at night, you will be close to entering a mental hospital in less than half a year!

19. A gecko got lost in front of a securities company. A big crocodile happened to crawl over from a distance. In desperation, the little gecko stepped forward and hugged the crocodile's leg and shouted: Call mom. The big crocodile burst into tears: My son, I have only been in the stock market for half a month and I have become so thin