Boundary awareness and the relationship between sex | Master the space where you have the final say
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In layman’s terms, boundary awareness refers to:
In fact, boundary awareness is simply territorial awareness. This kind of territorial awareness is very similar to animals declaring their own territory: they all have a certain territory and they maintain it at all times. They are not allowed to be violated, otherwise the intruders will be attacked, etc. - the so-called "I decide my territory."
There is generally a crossover between "I have the final say in my territory" and power. Because power can basically control the size of the boundary, boundaries are often tied to power. When we have greater power, we are likely to ignore other people's boundaries. For most of us, establishing a clear sense of boundaries requires us to know not only the extent of our own turf, but also the boundaries of others.
At this point, Teacher Wu mentioned his first experience of going abroad to Poland and Russia. He saw that there are no walls in the Polish countryside, and the distance between two farmers is very wide; while in northern China, the opposite phenomenon is true: your house is higher than my house, which blocks the Feng Shui of my house. Issues such as these often lead to disputes and even legal violations. Rural areas in central and northern China often erect very high walls (the walls are even as high as the houses). Some even build houses with bunker-like tops and three sides to establish a boundary.
Farmers in Poland have enough boundaries between them, but there are no walls; rural areas in northern China are very close to each other, but they set up boundaries and even try to surpass others. The author mentioned that he has lived in Guangzhou in recent years and found that the Pearl River Delta is the most ugly town in China. This way of building a house can also reflect the characteristics of Chinese-style interpersonal relationships. We cannot clearly establish boundaries, so we find ways to establish boundaries in other parts. Another typical case is that in the Swiss countryside, families are scattered on the hillside, and they also have clear boundaries.
The boundaries in boundary awareness specifically have three meanings, namely the following three boundaries:
Ⅰ Geographic boundaries: The territorial awareness mentioned above. The word "geography" here is not the same concept as geography in science. The identification of geographical boundaries here refers more to the ability of a person to clearly tell the outside world or other people that **things and **items are my own and have nothing to do with you. That is to say, other people have no right to interfere with everything in your territory, including various things and items with you as the main subject.
For example, in rural areas, the area of each household's house and courtyard is generally the family's territory by default. Without the unity of the owner, it is generally inappropriate for others to enter. When talking about this point, Teacher Wu mentioned a case he knew: during the Carnival, an American citizen directly shot and killed one of the students after asking foreign students to leave his family to no avail. In the final trial, the American Not guilty.
In other words, it is not illegal for Americans in some states to shoot people in their own homes who refuse to leave their homes. Of course, this involves different laws and regulations between state and federal laws in the United States. There may be many other factors as well. Putting these aside, what Teacher Wu wants to emphasize is that a family's "territory" is so important, shouldn't a person have a clear and clear sense of territory?
Ⅱ Physiological boundaries: As the name suggests, physiological boundaries refer more to the physical boundaries between people. The range of this limit is already very small here - as small as the surface layer of human skin. But often because the scope is small, it is often ignored by most people. The neglect mentioned here does not mean that you do not feel anything when others touch your body. Of course, it is basic common sense not to touch other people's bodies casually in general situations. In some special places, such as a dinner party with acquaintances, there may be someone at the dinner party who touches your body after saying a few words. At this time, his meaning behind the scenes is probably: This is my place, and I have the final say here. . It can be seen that body language sometimes involves a subtle power field.
The neglect mentioned above means that most of us may tend to ignore the fact that our boundaries have been violated, but our bodies do not lie but express it in various ways. . There is a special term in psychology called somatization.
When we are unable to express the discomfort of having our boundaries violated through emotions, psychology and thinking, we will choose to express it through our bodies - although we often may not be aware of this. Because I don’t realize that I want to say it out, I can’t say it out, and there is no way to express it except with my own body.
An example that Teacher Wu gave here is: When I was very young, I always heard the complaints and complaints from my family, but because I didn’t know that my boundaries were blurred at the time, my “territory” was being violated. I didn’t even know, and I didn’t take the initiative to say that I didn’t want to hear it, etc. So the somatic expression made Teacher Wu's hearing less good to resist this "territory invasion" from the outside world.
In other words, when your boundaries are violated and you are unable to clearly state where the boundaries are, there may be problems with your body, vision, ears, skin, etc. There are no words to say about establishing boundaries. Physical problems are basically related to connections, such as the five senses. Therefore, we should have a clearer sense of boundaries so that we can treat our bodies well from one aspect.
Ⅲ Psychological boundaries: Generally refers to the sense of privacy. When your seven aunts and eight aunts talk to you about your life-long events, and you also say everything on your mind, you seriously have no boundaries. People with unclear psychological boundaries often have this characteristic: if you ask them, they will say a lot and wish they could tell you everything in their lives. Duan Yu in Jin Yong's novels is a typical representative.
Blurred psychological boundaries means that there is no psychological defense, and sometimes the person concerned will have a tendency to expose himself excessively. To outsiders, this may seem like a sign of being honest and showing their true side to everyone, but in fact it is because they are in fear - they are afraid that they will not be understood by the outside world, and they are afraid that they will lose their connection with the outside world. If you want to learn more, you can read relevant psychological works.
To have a good sense of boundaries, we only need to establish clear boundaries geographically, otherwise there may be physical and psychological problems. In many things, it is difficult for us as Chinese to say no. But here Teacher Wu has three words for us to help us establish clear geographical boundaries without hurting the harmony.
I don’t want to, I don’t, I just don’t want to be affected by you like this. Establishing your own awareness of boundaries starts with learning to say "no". But we must note that the things we can say "no" to must be within the scope of our "turf", and we must understand that this rejection must be made by us on our own initiative and not because of the influence of others.
The student-student relationship in psychology refers to: ①My business is your business. ②Your business is my business. ③Everything is the same thing for us. Boundary awareness emphasizes that we must reach an agreement on the same things, and we must abide by this agreement. Other times, I don’t need to make a deal with you or listen to what you say, and you don’t need to listen to me. In a sexual relationship, everything is an agreement between two people and both parties abide by it at all times. But the roles that two people play in a sexual relationship may be different.
When teacher Wu Zhihong introduced himself and talked about his life experience, he mentioned that because he had lived in a family of students for a long time, his awareness of students was stronger than his awareness of boundaries. It can even be said that in most cases we are not aware of this at all, and we have been "living" with others for a long time.
Own. And what we often call "more real" is used to describe someone who has a clearer sense of boundaries.
The essence of the student relationship is actually exploitation. The confused philosophy confuses your head so much that after it makes you faint, it may still make you feel reasonable to exploit your various interests.
Some psychologists say that the period that babies spend between 1 and 6 months is the normal stage of birth; babies after 6 months can actually be called: " Sick ***student". Before 6 months, babies are too weak to obtain food and warmth on their own and must rely on their mother's help. Some mothers may feel that their baby has swallowed them up at this stage.
Because at this time they just keep asking for nutrition from their mother and cannot do without her at all. But this is normal for a breastfeeding woman.
6-36 months is the separation period, when the baby's individual consciousness begins to awaken and separates psychologically and physically from the mother. As the baby grows up, the mother must let the baby understand that the world does not run according to its ideas and that the mother cannot be used ruthlessly all the time, which means to guide the baby to gradually break away from the biological relationship.
In fact, the birth of two people does not mean that they are two people or two lives that just live together and cannot be separated, but that in the process, the two people will build a new self. This new self will not take half and half of the character traits, qualities and morals of the two people, but will favor one party. In this way, because one party occupies a strong position in the new self, and the other party is in a weak position or even directly zero, "life strangulation" appears. *Strangulation means that one of the two parties has the upper hand, and the other party is equivalent to being "strangled".
Under normal circumstances, the relationship between mothers and babies actually conforms to the "mother-baby" model, or one party is the Virgin and the other is the giant baby. Sometimes one of the two parties is the exploiter and the other is the exploited, one is controlled and the other is forced to obey.
In order to help us better establish a sense of boundaries, Teacher Wu gave the following six methods:
When we express that we can clearly realize where our boundaries are, , we cannot and should not express anger and hostility at the same time, but we must be resolute, firm and powerful, especially when we are communicating with our loved ones. Your firmness and decisiveness without any hostility will easily make the other person realize that they have accidentally violated your boundaries. You know exactly where your boundaries are. Then he will respect you and give in politely.
Regarding this point, teacher Wu Zhihong told an example of how he persuaded his mother to accept that he would make his own decisions about marriage and no longer forced her to marry. Teacher Wu Zhihong was a master's student in the Department of Psychology at Peking University at the time. He prepared a lot of arguments and arguments in advance and had a frank meeting with his mother. He presented the facts and reasoned for several days and finally moved her. And until now, the 43-year-old teacher Wu, who is unmarried and has no children, still lives according to his inner thoughts (without the "interference" of his mother in marriage). But the key point is that Teacher Wu’s mother can listen to the truth. Luo Fat also talked about how when he was a child, his father always made him kneel on the washboard. But once when the same order came, he said decisively: "Me! No! Kneel down!" Then Luo's father had no choice but to say something , well when you grow up, this matter will disappear in our house from now on.
In a biological relationship, one person must be a colony and the other a suzerain. That is, the relationship between one party ruling and one party being ruled. This kind of dominance is likely to be based on various small things in our lives, so we can start from the small things. For example, we can express it from small things related to eating, drinking, sleeping, etc.: I am very determined, I will never obey you? Often resistance in small matters is the beginning of breaking down the other party's psychological defense. Another thing to note is that we must express our determination resolutely.
Teacher Wu mentioned an example here. A woman effectively defended her boundaries by resolutely not eating dinner after returning home and clearly informing her family that she would still not eat if she did so in the future. Later, her family no longer had to wait until she came back to have dinner together because she worked overtime late. This can also be directly applied to college life. For example, if your roommate plays games too loudly and disturbs you, you can tell him directly and clearly to please turn down the volume; if you mind if your roommate takes your things without permission, Explain your thoughts clearly to him later.
When we communicate, there are usually two types of words we say: facts and emotions. Effective communication is usually based on facts and less on emotions. When we face those who violate our geographical boundaries, we must pay attention to respect the facts mentioned in his words. Sometimes it is necessary to even say it again (if the facts he said do exist and are correct); and for The sentiments he expressed were entirely dismissible. Of course this also requires skill.
An example mentioned by Teacher Wu Zhihong here is: When an employee (secretary) faced the boss and said, "Your salary for a year's work is not as much as what I make in a day" (maybe The boss was indeed foolish to say such a thing), and replied: "You are right. I may not make as much money in my life as you make in a month, but you work very hard every day." I don’t envy my job!” This is a typical example of respecting the boss’s facts (the boss’s salary is indeed many times higher than that of the employees) and being able to reject the boss’s emotions (arrogant and complacent emotions) simply and resolutely. .
Many girls in China will "cry, make trouble, and hang themselves" and torture their boyfriends in various ways. Of course, some elders will also use the same method to younger generations. They both make things very complicated, but in fact the root and core lies in this: they all just want to control the other person and make the other person act according to their wishes. Many Chinese women want a filial boyfriend and a filial husband. Their complexity is due to their pursuit of controlling each other.
At this time, we only need to say: You made the matter so serious and complicated, didn't you just want me to follow your lead? (For the safety of the majority of male compatriots, just think about it in your mind) But you want me to completely listen to you? impossible! I am a human being, why should I listen to you? I can only listen to you and follow your instructions? Why don't you follow mine?
When someone violates your boundaries, if your anger and anger are not vented and you do not fight back, you may get sick. A famous person once said that we must learn to express aggression. We must make it clear to others: I am not your tool or object. By causing you pain (which can be psychological & physical), I am telling you that I am a unique individual with my own boundaries. When a person can control you and get some benefits from it, why shouldn't he? A person does it because he can. Countries establish national boundaries through war; people sometimes also need to let others clarify boundaries through the pain of "bloodshed". Moreover, "pain" is a very immediate way to achieve results.
Learn to express your boundaries decisively and without malice, and give a clear warning to those who have not yet entered your "border" and those who are entering: This road is closed. Sometimes these complex problems can even be solved directly with some small changes. For example, if the relationship between parents and wife is difficult to coordinate, don't invite your parents to your home easily. Chinese people love buying houses so much because they want to have a life in which they have the final say. You have the final say in your life. Start by establishing clear geographic boundaries.
Chinese people are often not accustomed to using formal communication to finalize various contracts, etc., but communicate informally. Sometimes for formal matters, using informal communication channels is often very effective. For example, in an accidental meeting, you may have a greater chance of winning when discussing a salary increase with your boss; another example is that many people hold business negotiations during relaxation breaks on the golf course, and often achieve good results.
But conversely, sometimes we can also use formal communication scenarios for informal communication, which sometimes has the effect of getting twice the result with half the effort when other methods don't work. For example, Luo Pang mentioned that his cleaning aunts often neglected their work unintentionally. After Luo Pang had a meeting-style formal communication with them, this phenomenon was significantly improved. Because the scene of formal communication often makes the other party feel that this matter needs to be taken formally and seriously, and they may actually do so later.
In fact, everyone has a limit in their hearts. If you communicate with others in a formal way and make a formal agreement, everyone will respect you after understanding it. Occasionally, we can have a formal communication (referring to informal content) with some people to clarify where the boundaries are, otherwise the other party may continue to test and eventually cross the boundaries. One thing to note is: you need to digest your emotions first before you can communicate normally.
>>>Additional content from Gege (Product Manager):
Each of us lacks the right to speak in our lives (even our own lives). The problem lies within ourselves, and we should explore within ourselves to truly master ourselves by understanding ourselves. Here are three ways to become aware of your subconscious mind.
1. Think about a sentence you often say. It may contain a parable of your life.
2. Ask others what they often say. If it is different from what you think, then you probably have another self.
3. Imagine your own epitaph in advance. If you no longer live in this world tomorrow...
The purpose and goal of boundary awareness is to let you have a place where you have the final say. life, but understanding what boundary awareness is is only the beginning. The important thing is to continue to practice it in life.
Written at the back: Teacher Wu Zhihong’s explanation of boundary awareness and student-student relationship reminded me of some of my past experiences - whether the "boundary" was violated or someone took the initiative to violate it. What I didn’t realize was that I was too young and ignorant before. Gratitude is a must, but I also think it just provides a unique perspective to examine the relationship between myself and the world, others, and my heart, allowing me to observe the past and experience the relationship I am in now from a different perspective.
Psychology can provide people with a unique insight into the inner world, which is the most valuable and worthy of our in-depth exploration. Friends who are interested can find some relevant books and works by Teacher Wu Zhihong and read them systematically, or they can expand into the entire knowledge system of psychology. I believe you will benefit a lot. To borrow a sentence from Getkai: Salute to lifelong learners.