Internet classic funny quotes

1. I was very thin before and will be very thin in the future, so I will gain weight for a while now, otherwise my life will not be satisfactory.

2. I like your avatar so much, why do you include the last two words in it.

3. The terrible summer is coming. If anyone can install an air conditioner in our classroom, we will marry the head teacher to him.

4. Never propose to me, I will agree once you propose.

5. Three wishes in life: first, to be able to eat, second, to be able to sleep, and third, to be able to laugh.

6. I am in the world, but there are no legends about me in the world.

7. Problems that can be solved with money are not problems, but the problem is that I am poor.

8. The chicken’s resistance is to make its own meat unpalatable.

9. My greatest skill is to use cheap things to produce expensive effects. Such as camera, microphone, yourself.

10. Listen to your words and hang yourself on the southeast branch.

11. I once believed that I could turn my life into a joke, but now I just hope that my life will not turn into a case.

12. No news can be believed until it is officially denied.

13. If your wife and your lover fall into the water at the same time, would you like to find someone plump or petite? Or someone who can’t swim.

14. I have a heavy mouth, so I plan to give up cola and drink acute syrup instead.

15. What do you want me to do when you have nothing to do with me? Don’t you know I’m busy?

16. Don’t use beauty tricks on me, otherwise I will use your tricks.

17. The fortune teller said that I will meet the most important woman in my life when I am eighty years old. Her name is Po Meng.

18. Don’t ask me what I’m missing, I’m just missing someone right now.

19. I'm in a bad mood today. I just want to say four sentences, including the first two sentences. I'm done.

20. I saw a couple making out on the road. So I ran over and said to the boy: Brother, the sister today is not as beautiful as yesterday...

21. A man and a woman were making out. The man was working very hard, but the woman had no reaction. , the man asked angrily: Can't you just reflect? Even the bed doesn’t scream! After hearing this, the woman quickly shouted: "Bed!" ! bed! !

22. Conversation between the fortune teller and the lady: You are in bad luck. Why? Because you carry a bad omen. Is it okay if I take off my bra? No, as soon as you take off your bra, there will be two big waves in your life.

23. Your Majesty, I have something to ask for. Please send me to the cold palace. I can’t bear it anymore. The weather is too hot.

24. Don’t compare yourself to me, I’m too lazy to compare with you.

25. Love is always there despite thousands of rivers and mountains, can you give me some points? There is true love in the world, and giving a perfect score is also love!

26. If marriage is the tomb of love, then blind date is to look at the feng shui of the tomb, confession is to dig one's own grave, marriage is to commit suicide for love, falling in love is to move the tomb, and the third party is to rob the tomb!

27. I always lower my head in class. The teacher asked me why. I calmly replied, "I lower my head and miss my hometown!"

28. When you scold me, it must be because you don’t know me well enough, because those who know me want to hit me.

29. We come to school very early every day. On the surface, we love to study, but how many people know that we are here to copy homework.

30. Boys who play football and boys who play basketball are handsome. They are all farts. As long as you're handsome, you'll be cool even if you flick a glass ball, and if you're ugly, playing golf will look like you're shoveling shit. All gentle girls are attractive, girls with no make-up are pure, they are all farts. As long as you are beautiful, you will be said to be a tofu beauty, and even if you are ugly, you will feel like you have cramps when you play the violin.

31. I have seen through this world!

32. Foodies are all kind-hearted, because they only think about eating every day and have no time to scheme against others.

33. He told me to break up. Just when I wanted to reply, he said he sent the message to the wrong person.

34. Except for Qingming Festival, Chinese people regard all festivals as Valentine’s Day!

35. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too fat that I can’t get into your heart.

36. Every time I see you eating pork, I feel very emotional. We are from the same origin, so why rush it?

37. I made my wife angry again, and it was useless to apologize. She walked around the house angrily: Huh! I'm going to buy something expensive! When I heard it, there was a turning point! Spend money to eliminate disasters! Immediately say: Okay! I will accompany you to buy it. Then we went to the small commodity market and bought a washboard and came back...

38. I hate Qin Shihuang. He burned the books but didn't finish them.

39. When I went to buy water, the boss said it was two yuan. I said the suggested retail price on the bottle was one yuan and a half, right? The boss said: I don’t accept his suggestion!

40. God! If there is no way to make me lose weight! Just get fat my friends!

41. A girl made Coke chicken wings for a boy. The boy took a bite and said it was delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, "Liar, it's not cooked at all." The boy said gently, "Fool, whatever you do tastes delicious to me." A few days later, the boy and girl died of bird flu. This story tells us that if you show affection, you will die quickly!

42. God is about to give a great responsibility to this person. He must first turn off his mobile phone, stop his traffic, steal his account, and unplug his network cable. Only then can he bid farewell to the scumbag and become a top student.

43. In the summer, taking a bath is like washing vegetables for mosquitoes.

44. This summer, when you go out, you will go into the oven, when you walk, you will eat Mala Tang, and when you sit down, you will eat Teppanyaki. It’s better not to rain, because when it rains, it becomes boiled fish.

45. Suddenly I discovered that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji were lovers.

46. In fact, I used to be quite tall, but my height shrank due to frequent bathing.

47. These days, no one will believe you are a student if you don’t fall in love early, don’t be mean, don’t cheat, don’t be rebellious, don’t copy your homework, and don’t play with your mobile phone.

48. The teacher confiscated my game console. When I returned it to me at the end of the semester, I found that all the games were cleared.

49. I think we should be friendly to strangers, such as financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, love hotels, dating agencies, infertility product sales and questionnaires, I never They all answered patiently and kindly and filled in the name, address and phone number of their ex-boyfriend.

50. Meat, meat, if you can, don’t use it on your legs or chest!

51. Time is like cleavage, if you squeeze it, there will always be some!

52. In my next life, I want to be a man and marry a woman as good as me.

53. Parent-teacher meetings are of the same nature as mistresses, they both destroy family harmony!

54. One time I asked a courier guy what kind of Tong he was, and he said Tong Tong Tong Tong, you will know Tong Tong. I have been delivering express to you for half a year, and you still ask me what Tong is. Yunda, Yunda, Yunda, Yunda, Yunda!

55. I want to condense my life into a joke.

56. If no one in the world wants you in the future, you must remember that there is still me, and I don’t want you either.

57. I went on a trip with my best friend and rested under a tree when I was tired. Suddenly a few drops of bird poop landed on my face. Before I could react, my best friend helped me spread it evenly and said, "Your sunscreen is not evenly applied."

58. Uncle policeman, don’t worry if I lost my bag. It’s on me, so return it to me!

59. Don’t become bad in debauchery, just become perverted in silence.

60. Loneliness means that when someone is talking, no one is listening. When someone is listening, you have nothing to say!

61. What is more troublesome than meeting one shrew is... meeting two shrews at the same time.

62. We can avoid everyone, but we cannot avoid a fly. It's often the little things in life that make us unhappy.

63. There is a kind of person who only does two things: if you succeed, he will be jealous of you; if you fail, he will laugh at you.

64. Don’t be afraid of brothers who are like gods, but be afraid of friends who are like dogs.

65. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.

66. A hero doesn’t care about the way out, and a rogue doesn’t care about his age!

67. It takes thousands of years to change from a monkey to a human, but it only takes a bottle of wine to change from a human to a monkey.

68. If you feed the common people, the common people will feed you.

69. There is one person alive, but he is dead. Some people are alive and should have died long ago.

70. What is loneliness? Even the fifty yuan phone bill has not been used up for three months...three months!

71. I have always heard people say how great it is to book a room, and finally one day I couldn’t help but go and book a room... It’s so cool, sleeping on such a big bed all by myself!

72. It is said that this summer, people all over the country are commemorating a guy named Hot - Hot!

73. During the lecture, the female teacher’s pants were unzipped. A girl stood up and reminded her: Teacher, your door is not closed! The teacher waved her hand: Leave it alone and the dean will come to visit later.

74. Early in the morning the day after the wedding, the bride walked out of the bridal chamber in pain, holding the wall with one hand and covering her lower body with the other, and yelled: Liar! What a liar! Before getting married, he said he had thirty years of savings, but I thought it was money!

75. Cherish the dark-looking people around you, because one day when the coal mine truck passes by, you may not be able to see them anymore.

76. In the class teacher’s class, my deskmate was sleeping on the table. The teacher was furious and winked at me. I understood immediately, then took off my coat in full view of everyone and put it on my deskmate to be more considerate. The head teacher!

77. Question: Have you ever cried for a woman? Answer: I cried. Question: Who? Answer: My mother was beaten so badly that she cried until her voice became hoarse.

78. The electric fan is man’s best friend. I asked the electric fan if I am ugly? The fan shook its head silently all night.

79. With my appearance, if I were in ancient times, I could support an entire brothel! Are you saying you look like a pillar?

80. The neighbor’s little boy is 4 years old and goes to kindergarten. He throws stationery at school all day long. His dad was very angry that day: You were the only one who threw it away all day long, and I didn’t see you taking it back... As a result, the next day, when he got home, he dumped a bunch of pencils and notebooks on the sofa...

81. Best friend In the past few days, he has been coming to my house for dinner, and every time he eats very little, so I asked: Why don’t you eat more? Best friend: Every time I lose weight and can’t control my mouth, I want to come to your house for dinner. After all, no one cooks like you, and after the first bite, you won’t want to take the second bite. Me: Get out of here...

82. Life is very annoying, but fortunately I am very cute.

83. Some people say that playing with mobile phones while walking can lead to car accidents. Damn, I was so scared that I started running and playing.

84. Sometimes, if you don’t work hard, you won’t even know what despair is.

85. Why are you so short? Because I have been mini!

86. They say that chatting ends with haha, but I don’t believe it. I sent a message to my boyfriend yesterday saying: I like you so much. He said: Haha. I replied: Haha, damn it. So I yelled at him all night.

87. The face I kissed you was covered with isolation cream, BB cream, and sunscreen. It felt like you spent a lot of money in one bite.

88. Do you mind if I have small breasts? No, I like the feeling of my childhood sweetheart. What does it mean to play with me since childhood?

89. I met a female junior high school classmate by chance in the restaurant, but she didn’t remember me, so I reminded her: Do you still remember the boy in junior high school who was punished for kissing you in the woods? Her face turned red and she said excitedly: Are you the one at that time... I smiled ashamedly: Yes, I was the one who snitched on me at that time!

90. Just when I was woken up, I heard a man in the community shouting: Beat to death, beat to death, beat to death, reverse, reverse. This is the rhythm of something big happening! See what's going on, I quickly got up and ran to the window... I went, and there was a man directing his wife to reverse the car!

91. My partner is very good, the elephant is also very good to me, and I am very good to horses, rabbits, and dogs.

92. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: concave and convex.

93. If I had known that he was not a good person, I would have forgotten to tell him.

94. Men conquer women by conquering the world! Women conquer the world by conquering men!

95. The unfairness of this world lies in this: God said: I want light! Then there was daytime. The beauty said: I want a diamond ring! So she got a diamond ring. The rich man said: I want a woman! So he had a woman. I said: I want to take a shower! The water supply actually stopped.

96. Ever since I turned into shit, no one has stepped on me anymore.

97. Boss, come and have a bowl of tears.

98. Rich people are afraid that others will know that they are rich, while poor people are afraid that others will know that they have no money.

99. Advertising is to tell others that their money can still be spent in this way.

100. Let the storm come more violently. After all, I sell umbrellas!