Wonderful jokes and stories at the party
Touching porcelain is like playing chess. You think the other side is going to die, and the other side has the upper hand, so your car is gone. The following is a wonderful joke story I prepared for the party. Let's laugh together!
The maid went into the grocery store and said to the proprietress, "Hey, I want to buy a jar."
The proprietress said, "There are big jars and small jars. Four dollars for the big one and two dollars for the small one. "
"Ok, I want a small one." The maid said and took a small one. When she got home, the shopkeeper was very unhappy that she bought a small one and asked her to change it for another one.
So the maid went to the grocery store again and handed the small jar to the proprietress, holding a big one.
"Boss, I just paid two dollars. Now I'll give you a can, which adds up to four dollars, right?"
Say that finish, the maid turned and left.
The proprietress grabbed the abacus and played for a long time. Finally, if she realized something, she said, "Look how good this girl is. She has solved it very clearly for me. If all customers are like this, I can save a lot of trouble! "
When the shopping mall opened on an auspicious day, the boss received a flower basket ordered by a friend for him. After the basket was delivered, the boss found that the card said "Please rest in peace!" " "
The boss was so angry that he immediately called the person who sent the flower basket and scolded him.
After listening to the boss's complaint, the person who sent the flower basket thoughtfully muttered, "Oh, the flower basket just sent to the funeral home says' Congratulations on the opening of the new store!'" " "
3.a: "It was agreed yesterday that you would come to my house to fix the lamp in the evening. Why didn't you come? "
B: "yes, but there is no one at home!" " "
A: "Why don't you know anyone? I didn't go out all night. "
B: "When I came, I saw your house was dark and left."
4. There was an old man who was afraid of people stepping on his farmland and watching it all day. One day, I didn't pay attention, so I let a lawn mower go to the field.
The old man shouted at him and the man turned and walked back. The old man was anxious: "Stop! If you want to walk back, don't you step on it again? "
The man wanted to get out of the field, and the old man called again, "Stop! When you go forward, don't you step on the ground you haven't stepped on? "
"That ..." The mowers didn't know what to do.
The old man said, "Don't move, wait for me to carry you out!" " "
Which is more important: "Qingqing, do you know whether the sun is heavier in the morning or at night?" Qingqing, "I don't know, do you know?" Mingming: "Of course it's heavy at night." Qing Qing: "Why?" Ming Ming: "The sun is so light in the morning that even the sea can beat the sky. At night, the sun is so heavy that even the mountains can't stand it." My 8-year-old nephew likes rap. One day, he ran into my study and saw a picture given to me by a friend on the wall, so he read word for word: "There is no limit to learning!" "
I asked, "What's the use of reading? Do you know what these two sentences mean? "
He looked disdainful, and a whirlwind explained to me: "There is a mountain called Shushan, and there is a deer on it. Deer love to talk big, but they don't have a mirror, so they take the piano as a mirror and look at themselves. "
I couldn't help laughing and jokingly encouraged him: "What's the next sentence?"
The little nephew added, far-fetched, boasting, "There is no limit to learning, and it is hard to make a boat. He said that there was a man named Xue Hai, because he had no teeth, so he could only cook porridge every day. Life was so hard! "
3 1. It's raining cats and dogs. I hurried back to the hotel by taxi. When I got off the bus, I found that my mobile phone was missing. Despite the heavy rain, I chased the taxi and shouted, "Master, stop ..."
Running out of 100 meters, I found myself holding a mobile phone in my left hand. . .
However, the driver's master had stopped to ask me what was wrong, so I stood in the heavy rain and used my quick wits to shout to the master: Slow down the heavy rain. ...
2. They were a little embarrassed when they met the boss in the elevator in the morning.
The boss asked, "Do you go to work by bus?"
I replied, "No, I live near the company, and it's only 10 minutes' walk. "
The boss asked again, "Is the rent expensive?"
I replied, "It's okay, because I rented this place from the beginning of my work, and the landlord never gave me a salary ..."
In an instant, both of them were petrified.
Once, I was sitting in my sister's car, and my little nephew was sitting next to me. I saw him biting his finger, so I patted his little hand as a warning.
A few days later, I took my sister's car again and found that my little nephew was going to bite his finger again.
He saw me aiming at him, hesitated for a moment, then put his finger over to me and said, "Uncle, do you want to eat?"
4. When traveling to the Confucius Temple in Qufu, I saw a mother pointing to the statue of Confucius in the temple and saying to her son, "This is Kong Old Master Q, which can bless you to go to college. Go and worship. "
Then, the little boy came up to him solemnly and waved to Confucius and said, "Goodbye."
I seem to see Confucius smiling awkwardly.
Story 4 1. A student was invited to his parents' house for fighting. The parents shouted to the teacher, "I fight outside every day." Is it not good now? "
2. Teacher: Hello, parents of XXX? Your child doesn't do his homework. ...
Parents: Oh, you assigned the homework. You ask me if he did it?
Teacher: That's homework.
Parents: Homework, our family never assigns homework. ...
Teacher: ...
3. Teacher: Hey, your children can't mix with classmates. ...
Parents: Please also ask teachers to give more education. My children have been timid since childhood, and they dare not go when there are many people. ...
Teacher: ...
4. Teacher: "Parents, it is not normal for your son to fail 30 exams every month."
Parents: "Teacher, I am very happy because my son has expanded the development space."
5. A buddy was arrested for puppy love and called his parents. When his father came, the teacher asked, "Your son is puppy love, take care of it."
As a result, my father said, "I heard that girl is quite beautiful."
Teacher: "I know you don't care." How can you be a parent? "
As a result, his father was also angry: "Tube? Don't let him date. When you grow up, you will marry him! "
Wonderful joke story at the party 5 delicious
The sow gave birth to a litter of piglets, all of which were strong, fat and lovely. The husband is thinking that he can take the pig to the market soon, which is not a small income and can't help but be complacent.
One day, the husband came home to find a little pig missing and asked his wife why. The wife replied: the wolf took it away. He was very angry. A few days later, I came back from the outside and found another one missing. My wife said the wolf took it away again.
So the husband waited at home every day, and sure enough, the wolf didn't come for several days.
On this day, the husband had something urgent to go out, so he asked his wife to take good care of him. Out of the village, I suddenly remembered that I forgot to take something and went home. Just entering the door, I saw my wife busy in the kitchen, her face covered with soot. It turned out that the pig in the pot was almost cooked, and the husband got angry and beat his wife.
The wife was still crying, and the husband stepped forward and opened the lid. He only smelled the smell of pork, tasted it, and couldn't help nodding his head in praise: it smells good! Delicious! Seeing this, the wife burst into tears immediately and said, "Ginger hasn't been released yet. It is more fragrant and delicious after it is released! " "
To show off/wealth
A rich man traveled abroad and stayed in a big hotel. It's just that he found that no one there seemed to notice that he was a rich man.
So, when he had breakfast again, he deliberately shouted, "Waiter, please have a breakfast of 20 francs.
"The waiter came over and said," Sir, we don't sell half breakfast here. "
A dishonest businessman
Wang Weiren, a drug dealer, is a profiteer. People always dig at him and say that he eats people and drinks blood.
One day, his businessman came home and passed a dark mountain road. Suddenly, a wolf jumped out of the forest, jumped at him and tried to bite his throat.
"Don't eat me, my meat is not delicious!"
The wolf said, "Does it taste bad? People say you always eat people. It must be delicious! "
stubborn
A gentleman just bought a computer from a computer shop. A few days later, the computer began to smoke.
He consulted a person who knows a little about computers and was told to change batch files under DOS. He tried for a long time without success, so he called the store and asked what to do. The store manager said, "You can exchange your computer for another one."
But this gentleman insisted: "My friend said that it is enough to change the batch file under DOS. Why?"
The manager was very helpless about this "lever head" and made a joke with him: "Then I will tell you an undisclosed technology from Microsoft! You add a line of command NOSOMKE.EXE to the batch file, and there is no problem. "
A few days later, the gentleman called again and said, "No, after I joined that order, the computer still smoked."
The manager said, "Your version of NOSOMKE is too low. You can contact Microsoft service department. "
A few days later, the poor man called again. He told the store manager, "Microsoft people say that the power supply on my computer is not compatible with their NOSOMKE. EXE！”
6 1. The lion promulgated a new forest king law: one person breaks the law and the whole family sits together. So, the old turtle was arrested first. The old tortoise felt very wronged, and the lion said angrily, "Your child is a bastard, of course you are not a good thing!" " "
2. An ant and an elephant take a bath by the pond. The elephant quickly undressed and swam freely in the water. When the ant took off his clothes and looked for his swimming trunks, he couldn't find them. The ant said, "Come up, elephant." After the elephant came up, the ant waved to the elephant to swim in the water. The elephant was very angry and said, "What do you want me to come up for?" The ant said, nothing. I'm just kidding. I'll see if you're wearing my swimming trunks.
There is a sports meeting in the forest. Little Nutbrown hare said, "We are the first team of rabbits!" " The chicken said, "We are the second team of chickens!" " It was the third party's turn to feed the puppy, and the puppy suddenly cried. ......
The polar bear was taken to a hot city by the wolf. The polar bear said, "It's too hot here. I'm going back to the North Pole. " The wolf smiled and said, "I am ready for you." Wait a minute. After I deal with you, you can move into this refrigerator. The temperature inside is the same as that in the North Pole, and there are many pigs to accompany you. Won't make you lonely. "
One day, the rooster fell into the water and shouted for help. The duck swimming in the river immediately swam in front of it and shouted, "Give me your hand quickly." The rooster said, "no, it will pluck my beautiful feathers." I am a miser. " So the rooster finally drowned in the river.
6. The giraffe and the civet cat got married, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live this kind of jumping up and down again! Civet cat is furious: Leave it alone! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!
It is said that a group of animals are in trouble at sea. Seeing that the food was almost finished, they decided to tell jokes and eliminate them. If jokes can't make all animals laugh, those who are eliminated will be thrown into the sea. Let's draw the numbers in order. The first place is the horse. Ma's jokes are wonderful. Almost all animals laugh, but pigs can't. So he threw the horse into the sea. Then it was the cow's turn. The cow can't talk very well and hardly laughs, but then the pig smiles. The animals all asked, "Why are you laughing?" The pig dawdled for a long time and said, "I ... I remember the jokes told by the horse."
8. One day, the tortoise looked in the mirror and suddenly asked his wife to hit him. Tortoise's wife burst into tears: "If I do something wrong, hit me!" " Yu Nu, the tortoise stared and said, "Hum! You must have a new lover outside. Look, look, my forehead is green! "
9. When the calf was shopping, he met the lamb. When he saw the lamb wearing a pair of sunglasses, he said enviously, "Wow! Wearing sunglasses is cool, so you are also a trend pioneer! " Lamb took off her sunglasses and sighed, "alas, I can't help it. The grass is yellow in autumn and I can't help eating it, so. . . "
10, snake: whoever tells me about football, I am anxious! Dragon: I don't play football either. If it's not good, they always say that I deliberately "put an own goal"! Centipede: To save money, I never wear shoes. Shall we play handball instead of football?
1 1. Butterfly is in love with tortoise, but I don't know how to say it. Ask the crab. The crab told it to paint itself green and eat round ones, so it looked like mung beans. Because "the tortoise looks at mung beans", it can see the right eyes.
12, the weasel was forced by the tiger, so at the end of the year, she couldn't prepare a New Year gift for the tiger, so she thought of a lot of broilers, because she could "make tough guys make soft and spicy chickens." I didn't expect tigers not to buy that. The tiger said: there are no gifts this year, only melatonin.
13, "a mouse lay leisurely at the mouth of the cave, looked at the dog at the door and said," You have worked so hard, but you still live in a humble abode. Look at what I made myself. I have bought several houses. " The dog said, "working class, there is no condition for improvement." Unlike you who can enjoy life. " The mouse looks smug. At this moment, there was a meow. The mouse ran in panic. The dog asked, "Don't enjoy it?" The mouse threw out a sentence: "safety comes first than enjoyment." " "
14. The sparrow told the parrot a love story: I stood on the wire with her mouth that day, and my whole body was numb. Parrot: That's what kissing feels like! The sparrow is angry: it's an electric shock.
15, butterfly laughs at spider's laziness and says, "Spider is exhausted, isn't it ..." But spider disdains it and says, "With Spider King shoes, you don't need to weave webs."
Penguin: We are a regular troupe and never dance! Snail; Exclusive theater, dedicated to matador, welcome, pay attention to queuing to buy tickets. Cicada: Hum! Don't blame me for singing unless I buy a ticket.
17, Peacock: I will never charge a "screen opening fee" for watching my performance! Milk goat: I eat grass to produce milk, and I have never charged anyone for breastfeeding! Snail: I started a "moving company" and never received a "moving fee"!
18, the tiger was injured and asked the zebra for help. The zebra saw it and asked the tiger to give up the throne of the forest. The tiger was unhappy, and the zebra was furious: "Don't think you have a king on your forehead, you really think you are the king of the forest. Come to me casually and build a king! "
19. When the mouse met the cat, the mouse said to the cat in a trembling voice, Should I go away quietly? The cat smiled and said, do you know I'm waiting for you? The mouse cried: Why do I always get hurt? The cat smiled: because I am the one who cares about you.
20. "If you want to get married, marry the wolf. Such people are role models ... "The naive lamb came happily singing pop songs. A wolf heard the lamb's voice and jumped on it and bit it. The lamb asked doubtfully, "Why is this?" "You are the dish I am looking for!" The wolf said with a sly smile.
2 1, the wolf asked the pig, "Do you know why people like to eat pork?" Pig: "I don't know." Wolf: "Because there was once a pig, Bajie, who accompanied Tang Priest to fetch Buddhist scriptures in the West. The monsters on the road all want to eat the flesh of Tang Priest in order to live forever. Later, the Tang Priest went to heaven, and they couldn't eat Tang Priest's meat, so they had to catch the pigs left behind, got it? I also like eating pigs very much. "
22. A mouse dates a squirrel. After greeting, the mouse said to the squirrel, "Why are you still carrying a quilt when you go out on a date?" The squirrel said to the mouse, "You are dressed in black. I almost didn't recognize you!"! By the way, your dress shows that you are slim. Where did you buy it?
23. A golf match was held in the forest, and everyone struggled. As soon as the tiger appeared, the organizer of the contest strictly ordered the tiger to participate. The tiger was very angry and asked why. The organizer said, "We can't afford your expensive $100 million."
24. Elephants and ants are neighbors. Elephants look down on ants and never look at them. Elephants should entertain their girlfriends at home. Ants know the opportunity is coming. Gather friends and sit neatly at the elephant's broken table The elephant's girlfriend saw it and left without eating. The elephant sighed: "details determine love!" " "
25, snipe: do not give up. Mussel: Don't give up. Firefly: I flash. Goat: I will do it. East turtle: I was passing by. Crow: I am stupid and naive. Monkey: I'm not here to catch the moon. I'm here to make soy sauce.
26. After seeing the Three Kingdoms, the leopard went to catch deer. Seeing that there were no deer in the deer's nest, he scratched his hair and said, Empty city plan! I turned around and saw a dead deer on the animal trap. I was shocked: danger! I was overjoyed to see you again suddenly: yo-ho, and honey trap? !
27. The Ministry of Infrastructure of Animal Kingdom has built low-rent housing, hoping to allocate it to the applicants who need it most. Snail said: I still live in a humble abode, which should meet the requirements. Du Fu said: I always ride the wall, and no one is more suitable than me. Hao Han Bird said: Who doesn't know that I am poor and a complete proletarian? The low-rent house must be mine.
28. Two frogs fall in love in the park, and the male frog hugs the female frog. Mother frog sighed and said, well, I really miss you when you were a child, without arms and legs. Not like now. You always touch your hands as soon as you meet.
29. The cat met his apprentice Tiger and said, "Help me, I am homeless and become a stray cat. How good you are, you have entered the nature reserve and have no worries about food and clothing. " The tiger said bitterly, "Who told you not to do your duty when you were a teacher?" I have reservations about this potential stock and will not be taught to climb trees! This is what happens when you save your hand! "
30. Toad wants to eat swan meat. In order to marry a beautiful noble lady, she set a lofty love goal from an early age. The rabbit girl married the tortoise because she wanted her next generation to run fast and live long. Mice love cats instead of rice, so they don't have to worry about stealing. I always send you short messages, hoping you are healthy.
3 1. Due to the reduction of forest area, lions stipulate that each animal can only have one house. Soon, the rabbit was arrested, because the "three caves of the cunning rabbit" bees knew about it, thought about it, and went home to commit suicide. ......
32. Toad was very dissatisfied with his image covered with pimples, so he sought the help of animals. After selection, toad asked the golden monkey and the blue fin dolphin to help him. Asked about the reason, Toad smiled and said, "Blue combined with gold makes acne-free youth happier."
33. The monkey came home drunk at night. He didn't come in, but went in through the window. It happened that Mrs. Monkey found out and asked why. The monkey pointed to the new shoes on his feet: "Mi Bang Wei, don't take the usual road."
34. The animals got together to chat, and a white tiger came over. The little black rabbit said to everyone, "Poor thing, he has had vitiligo for many years." The tiger glared at the rabbit and said, "You rabbit from Africa, how dare you laugh at me!" " "
35. Spiders compete for the web. Foreign spiders weave a big web, proud: broadband! China spiders fly around weaving a delicate ornament and say with a smile: Heaven and earth are unique, Chinese knot. The new year is coming. May the country and people be safe.
The tortoise and the rabbit competed again, but the rabbit still didn't run past the tortoise and asked, "What's the matter?" The tortoise went straight to receive the prize without saying a word. The rabbit still chased and asked, only to see the tortoise take off his coat and become a rabbit, and said slowly, "The performance is tiring, and the success is worth it."
37. "Brother Crab is blind. One day, my brother asked my brother to buy fruit. The younger brother said to the boss, I want to buy bananas. The boss said that you are blind and don't sell! " The younger brother went home and told his brother, who said, "Tell the boss: I am a crab, not a shrimp."
38. A drum-beating contest was held in the animal kingdom, and the cow with the highest voice to win the championship lost the contest. The winner is a bear known for its laziness and stupidity. Niu is very wronged: the competition drums provided by the organizing Committee are all made in China, and it is unfair for Xiong to practice more than me.
39. The ant and the centipede held a grand wedding. The next day, the frog asked the ant how he felt. The ant sighed and said, I broke one leg, but I broke another. It's not like breaking another leg. Depressed, I broke my leg all night. ......
40. The frog took a bottle of Erguotou to the tortoise's house to pray for the secret of longevity. The tortoise blew on the spout. Speak slowly: it's actually quite simple. No matter what happens, stick your head in first. I wish you health and happiness every day.
4 1, the traffic police stopped the car of the rabbit crab and reprimanded: Do you dare to drive after drinking? Don't explain, your eyes are red. Also, the crab's mouth is full of foam. What's wrong with it? Send a text message to tell you that it is safe to drive outside first.
42. The tortoise wants to race with the rabbit. Rabbit disdains to say that your ancestors hit us once, which is a loophole. Don't be wishful thinking The tortoise is hard and soft, but the rabbit still won't give him a chance. Finally, the tortoise threw out a dozen hundred-dollar bills and said, this is your appearance fee. Rabbit suddenly laughed: Mr. tortoise, I will run as you say.
43. The calf said to the pig, "Your meat is becoming more and more valuable, and many people have opinions." Piglet said, "Alas, we ate so much lean meat and didn't say anything. A little price increase is compensation for our pigs. Your milk doesn't seem to sell well? " The calf said, "This has nothing to do with our cows, but they have brought us trouble."
44. In the animal school election, the bear had a bar around his neck and served as the monitor. The tiger has four poles on his head as the leader. Zebra is the best, and there are countless bars on it, so it is entrusted with the heavy responsibility of standing outside the school gate every day to guide students to cross the road.
45. A snake chased a frog, and the frog was scared to hide in the hole; Snake: "Come out, we are friends." Frog: "Your name is terrible." Snake: "Then I'll change my name to frog!" " Frog: "That won't do either, you are so ugly!"! " "
46. The crab proposed to the tortoise and was rejected. The crab asked, "Why?" The tortoise said, "My mother said that you are a bandit, bullying in the village and using pliers too hard. Can't marry you! "
47. Beautiful butterflies fly around in the dazzling season and sigh outside the bee window in winter: "I am so beautiful, why didn't anyone take me back?" The bee replied slowly, "No matter how beautiful it is outside, you can't enter the house." That's what men say. "
48. With the economic downturn, ants are busier, and only rabbits are relaxing in the sun. Ants ask: Rabbit, why haven't you pulled out carrots yet? Rabbit said: I have changed three new houses and rented two. The rent is enough for my family. Brother, learn. Look at your big family, all crowded in one room. Ant tribe tastes bad.
Wonderful jokes and stories at the party.
A clerk wrote on the blackboard the words "It's on sale now".
A customer next to him said, "Comrade, you wrote' zero' in retail."
The salesman glared at the customer and said, "Come on, there is a vertical knife next to the word' no'!"
A mispronounced or misspelled character.
A student loves to write typos and always writes rest as drinking.
In his diary, he wrote, "The squad leader instructed us to carry shit. Everyone worked hard and no one dared to take a sip." Later, we were really tired, so we secretly drank behind the monitor's back. "
Bubble gum
In a busy market, a fish seller shouted, "fresh fish!" " "At this moment, a bubble gum seller immediately shouted:" bubble gum! The fish seller said to the sugar seller, "hey, why did you say my fish was ruined?" "They are more noisy more fierce. Just then, a seller of bean sprouts shouted again: "bean sprouts!" " A security guard came up and asked, "Who else is quarreling with them?" It happened that an avocado seller shouted "avocado!" After listening to this, the security guard said, "Well, take the four of you with you. "
Buy a car
One day, a rich man wanted to buy a car, but he hesitated because there was no Geely license plate number in the garage. The owner of the car dealership came over and said with a smile, "This license plate is good, 00544 (let me try), and no one dares to mess around, right?" !
The rich man was moved and bought the car at once, but something happened the next day. The rich man got off the bus angrily, thinking that you would dare to hit this car, but as soon as he got off the bus, he left in despair. The other party's original license plate is 44944 (just try it).
examination performance
In the middle school class, the teacher of the course of socialist economic theory (hereinafter referred to as social economics) is angrily reading out the exam results: everyone failed in this social economics exam. Obviously, you didn't spend your energy on social economics. In fact, social economics is a very simple course. If you work hard, you will get results ... Read the results below: Yang Wei, failed in social economics. ......
Learn English.
Xiaoming, who likes learning English, is looking for opportunities to speak English day and night.
On this day, he walked into a foreigner by accident. He said shyly, "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too." The foreigner replied.
"I'm sorry for three." Xiao Ming answered at once.
"What are you sorry for? "Asked the foreigner.
"Sorry five ..." Xiao Ming said.
Eat standing up
A foreign girl married to China. When eating breakfast, I was pointed out that I can't eat fried dough sticks: "Dip it."
She stood up at once and was told, "Take a dip!"
Confused, she said indignantly, "Let me eat standing up. I have stood up. Where should I stand? "
Do what you see.
Once upon a time, there was a landlord who loved chickens. The tenant rented his field, but he had to be given a chicken first.
A tenant named Zhang San went to pay the rent to the landlord at the end of the year and rented it out the next year. When he went, he put a chicken in a bag, and after paying the rent, he told the landlord about renting the land for the next year. He insisted that his hands were empty, opened his eyes and said, "There are no three kinds of land." Zhang Sanming understood the meaning of this sentence and immediately took the chicken out of the bag.
As soon as the landlord saw the chicken, he immediately changed his tune and said, "If you don't give it to Zhang San, who will you give it to?"
Zhang San said, "Your words have changed so quickly!"
The landlord replied, "That sentence just now was' nonsense', and now it is said by accident."
Ears are here.
The new magistrate is from Shandong. Because he wanted to hang up, he said to the master, "buy me two bamboo poles."
I found out that the "bamboo pole" with Shandong accent was "pig liver", so I quickly agreed and ran to the butcher's shop and said, "Master Xinxian wants to buy two pig livers. Be smart!"
The shopkeeper, a clever man, immediately cut off two pieces of pig liver and presented a pair of pig ears.
Out of the butcher's shop, the master thought, "My master told me to buy pig liver, and this pig ear is of course mine …" So he wrapped the hunting ear and stuffed it into his pocket. Go back to the county government and report to the magistrate: "Report back to Grandpa, I bought pig liver!" "
The magistrate was very angry when he saw that the master had bought pig liver, and said, "Where are your ears!" " Hearing this, the master turned pale with fear and quickly replied, "Ear … Ear … here … in my … pocket!" "
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