Learn to hug hedgehogs.
Isn't there a saying that "a fool can beat a wise man without saying a word"?
But what if a confused person cannot escape? In particular, this confused person is his closest relative and favorite person, such as his own adolescent rebellious children, such as other adult family members who happen to suddenly lose control? Can we really ignore them and ignore them as if they don't exist? I'm afraid that's impossible.
When we are in a bad mood, our usual calmness, rationality and objectivity may be forgotten, and we will also become a hedgehog, a "powder keg" full of thorns and hostile to the people around us, which is extremely difficult to please.
Or even if we can manage our emotions well, what if there is an adolescent child in our family?
At this point, unruly teenagers in adolescence and adults who were out of control during that time can be compared to hedgehogs-there is no way to pretend not to see him or avoid him. You must get along with him, too ...
Isn't it time to learn to hold a hedgehog? Even though we are afraid that the guy full of thorns will stab us, reason tells us that this "hedgehog" is actually our family.
Let's talk about teenagers first.
Children in this period have grown up physically. They think their wings are hard enough, but in fact they are immature in many ways.
But don't forget, some adults are just the opposite. They are big children in thought. No matter what age they are, they all seem to be in adolescence, and getting along with them and communicating with them will also face challenges. Even though we are usually very restrained and polite people, if we meet an important node (especially critical moment, especially irresistible emergency moment), we will break out and suddenly become a hedgehog with thorns.
Hedgehog is not an aggressive animal, but it is very alert, difficult to get along with and insecure.
You see, is it like a teenager at home or you, me and him who are out of control at some moment?
There is just such a book-Hugging Hedgehog. Author Brad willcocks said that if there is a stabbing person in the family, I believe everyone will feel more distressed. What should we do with those sensitive, rebellious and very emotional people? ...
The author is really anxious about everyone's worries and thinking about everyone's thoughts.
The book tells us that it is not that a rebellious child can't communicate, just learn to tune his own frequency to the same channel as the child, be his growth partner, don't push him away, and try to learn to talk to him instead of blaming or blaming himself.
This is the true love for children, not self-emphasis, ignoring children's needs and growth laws.
You know, children are very soft and obedient when they are young. On the surface, they became hedgehogs overnight, but there are many things behind them that we ignore or turn a blind eye to.
Moreover, adolescence is an important period that everyone has to face. We have all experienced it, and it is also a major challenge that every parent has to face-the life task that must be completed to really grow into a mature parent.
The author, who is good at observation and induction, tells us three rules for embracing hedgehogs-
The first rule is not to wear gloves, let it smell you.
The second rule, don't worry, take your time, let it relax its vigilance first.
The third rule is to gently hold up the soft abdomen of the hedgehog with both hands to make it feel comfortable and safe.
Adolescents in adolescence are changing in physical and psychological aspects, which is unacceptable to children themselves. They will be out of control, anxious, irritable and rebellious, and often have great vigilance against the people around them. In most cases, it is useless for children in this period to tell him anything, even if it is invulnerable and inaccessible.
I believe that as parents, we must have had such moments of self-doubt and even collapse, and we also had the idea of "having to pull this game over."
In fact, the wisest thing to do is not to rush to break through the defense lines of these teenagers. The first thing we have to do is to look at this invisible wall and the child who doesn't want to talk nonsense with us, to find out what the truth behind these behaviors is, to find out if there is a loose brick (a small chance to break the game) and push it down. This wall (the emotional deadlock between the two sides) will open and we will have a breakthrough.
Next, strike while the iron is hot to improve communication and exchanges with children.
First, keep your distance.
Now let's make up a picture. One day, we found that our children no longer clung to us as before, but deliberately avoided us and became silent. Asking casually is also evasive. ...
What is our first reaction in this situation? I think I'm angry, right? I always feel that my hot face is sticking to my cold ass, and I can't help being angry.
As everyone knows, if this is the case, it will only fall into a vicious circle, and this vicious circle will become more and more tense.
Actually, we should think about why we are angry. The deep-seated reason is that we have separated-why is this child not what I expected? I won't be angry if he can.
When such an idea appears, the essence is to put "I" at the forefront, rather than putting children at the forefront.
At this time, what we really need to do is to keep our distance, and at the same time, we should take the initiative (after all, we are adults and more rational than children) to tell our children, "It's not that I don't care about you, I have always been completely trusted by you, and I have always been by your side when you need me ..."
This is called building a sense of security for children.
Distance produces beauty. A little distance, careful observation may find that adolescent children will have some behaviors that you can't understand, such as skipping classes and wearing strange clothes. What is the real reason behind these signals?
Parents who don't study well or are too conceited will say that this is against me.
The opposite is true. These actions are actually releasing a signal-please look at me, I want your attention, and I want to have a sense of existence.
Only by this time, the child has grown up, and it is impossible to get parents' attention by begging for hugs and runny nose and tears, as soft MengMeng did in infancy.
However, children's desire to always get their parents' attention will not decrease with their age.
When the child is very young, we will hug him and kiss him, and we will find some details to praise him every day. But when he grows up and can look straight at you and me, even taller than us, we won't say those sweet words to him much. Because even we are ashamed to talk about it!
We will only "love is hard to open in our hearts."
Therefore, love should be said, done and expressed loudly.
Second, communicate frankly.
If there is true love, and it is unconditional love, we can communicate effectively and frankly with such a hedgehog and realize "bilateral" harmony.
You know, the bridge between people in this world has three elements-love, trust and respect.
The same is true with his relatives. Even if he is like a hedgehog full of thorns, he should learn to embrace the hedgehog with love, trust and respect.
At that time, not only won the hedgehog, but also won the world.