Girl, you survived the hardest time.
She stood alone in front of the dressing table in the boudoir, staring blankly at her beautiful face in the mirror. Her intuition was empty and her head was empty. As if nothing had happened, the past was as clean as a blank sheet of paper without any trace. The past is gone, drifting away and lost. This inexplicable sense of loss made her suddenly panic. She really wants someone around to witness all her experiences. Unfortunately, how can she expect too much when she is helpless? Can only rely on their own efforts to recall, pick up the old things bit by bit, slowly piece together, piece together into a complete figure belonging to her.
The clock hanging on the bedroom wall is ticking, and she walks aimlessly around the room, back and forth. Suddenly her mouth rose slightly and her lips wriggled slightly, as if remembering something.
( 1)
The summer eight years ago was the most profound and beautiful time in her memory. It was also that summer that made her miss her grandpa forever.
One day in September, during the school season, when her classmates packed their schoolbags early and rushed to high school with their parents, she was still pacing back and forth at home. At this time, her parents were not around, and she was placed in her grandparents' home. Old people living in rural areas, no matter how old they are, will always have endless farm work as long as they can work. She is sensible and considerate of the hard work of her grandparents. Naturally, she couldn't bear to ask her to send her to a distant town to report for school, but she was also unsure. I wonder if she has never left home. Can this trip alone be smooth sailing? She kept her anxiety to herself and didn't say a word, but grandpa still saw through her heart and insisted on sending her to school that day.
Grandpa got up early to help her pack. Like all farmers who go to town, he always arranges all kinds of spare parts carefully. Carry a big bag in your hand and carry a big bag on your back. Their father and grandson support each other on their way to school. The campus is crowded with people. She was pleasantly surprised at the magnificent new campus, but she still did not forget to hold grandpa's hand tightly, for fear that she would forget to let go for a while and grandpa would get lost in the dense crowd. She dragged her grandfather all the way, and the thin man struggled to squeeze through the crowd carefully, and came to the registration window of freshmen in senior high school and finished the admission procedures. Before leaving, grandpa handed her big bags of luggage. She took it and felt heavy. Whether it is clothes, bedding, books and stationery, or fruit snacks, everything you carry is full of love. Grandpa told me: "study hard at school, and grandpa will send you to college in the future!" " After I left, I took good care of myself at school. If you are homesick, call home. "Not around the lingering sound, she tears for you, loathe to give up this hasty respectively. Standing absently in the crowd coming and going, staring at grandpa's old and rickety back, she couldn't pull away for a long time, until finally grandpa's figure disappeared in the noisy and huge campus, and she just came to her senses, picked up her luggage and walked towards the dormitory.
Time always slips away inadvertently. High school is almost two years. On an unusual morning, she suddenly received the bad news of her grandfather's death. At that time, she couldn't restrain her sadness and sat in the classroom crying like a crybaby. Although this was the first time she cried in public, knowing that she would be ugly if she cried, at that moment, she forgot any cover-up, and only wanton crying could save her.
In the first half of the unfortunate death of grandpa, she grew up in tears almost every day, and her expression became more and more trance. When I think of my grandfather during the day, tears fall unconsciously; When I woke up in a dream at night and called "Grandpa", tears poured out like a flood, and I silently grabbed the quilt and dried it. When going to the toilet, close the door and hide in the toilet and cry; When cooking in the canteen, I bowed my head in line and secretly wiped my tears; When reading in the morning, there are always unknown tears rolling down the book. For her, that time was dark and bleak. Slowly, she became withdrawn and did not like to communicate with others. On the eve of high school graduation, so many classmates didn't have her in their reunion photos, only her unique face could be found in the class graduation photo. She is a freak in the eyes of her classmates, so no one comes near her or cares about her, as if she had been abandoned by the class. Three years in high school, she was alone, and she wasted a beautiful campus youth.
Later, I went through the college entrance examination and received the university admission notice. The result was not satisfactory. I didn't want to go to the university, and I didn't have the determination to repeat it. Finally, I had to step into the unwilling school gate.
The university campus is like a half-society, and thousands of students move around the campus. Every day after class, walking in the vast sea of people makes her feel inferior, and she is even more timid. She has no plan in her study, no goal in her life, and she lives in a muddle. Suddenly, one night, she dreamed of grandpa's exhortation to her three years ago: "study hard, and grandpa will send you to college in the future!" " "At that moment, she woke up from a dream, sat on the bed and cried bitterly, because she failed to get into a good school and gave her grandfather a gratifying account.
After that night, she never cried again, just like a different person, a 360-degree change.
There are four people in a dormitory, and she is the first to get up every day. After washing, she took the professional English textbook to the top of the seventh floor of the dormitory for morning reading, desperately memorizing texts and words. Even if it rains, she doesn't dare to get tired at all. She still leans on the corridor on the top floor where the rain can't reach, going back and forth and practicing oral English over and over again. She knows that if she doesn't study well, she must pay more time to work hard than others, otherwise she will retreat if she doesn't swim against the current. Maybe she worked so hard because she felt more and more guilty about the waste and profligacy of middle school. Now she just wants to find a place to study quietly and make up for everything she lost in her past studies. 1 1 As a freshman, she made down-to-earth efforts and got a first-class certificate in computer, a second-class certificate in Mandarin and a fourth-class certificate in English.
As long as you are willing to work hard, you will eventually get what you want! She is so sure.
(2)
The desk calendar on her desk is renovated day by day with the pace of time. So soon, it will be 20 1 1 year. On New Year's Day, roommates in the dormitory get together to celebrate the beginning of the New Year and sit around the dining table. Everyone has a happy mood and desire, but she doesn't seem to show too many excited and optimistic words and expressions. She just buried herself in eating and drinking, as if to eat and digest all the vague uneasiness in her heart.
1 1 year, everyone calls it "bachelor year", as if the new year had not yet begun, and it was crowned as "unlucky year" For her, the new year is just a new page in the desk calendar. There is no new atmosphere and new wishes in life, and the days are as dull as stagnant water. She goes back and forth between classrooms, canteens and dormitories on campus every day. This three-point-one-line life has been boring for a long time. She can't find the motivation and goal of life and study, so she gradually languishes.
More and more like a few degenerates in the class, they skipped classes. At first, they just avoided sports, music, art, calligraphy and other courses unrelated to their majors. Later, they simply missed the courses of comprehensive English, listening and reading that they liked before. Sleeping has become the main theme of sophomore life. Except for my appetite, I went downstairs to find food and spent the rest of the time in bed.
The National Day is coming, and the roommates in the dormitory have already planned how to arrange a full schedule to go out. Only she didn't make any plans for the seven-day long vacation. Roommates packed their bags and walked out of the dormitory beautifully, leaving her lying under the covers and pretending to sleep. The huge campus becomes extremely depressed and deserted every holiday moment, and the usual hustle and bustle and vitality disappear. Empty room, empty corridor, when a needle really falls on the floor, you can clearly hear the crisp crash, which is terrible silence. Only then did she get up, pack her bags and go home.
When I got home, my grandmother was still in good health and busy inside and outside. The cotton in the main room is piled like a hill. She squatted down to sit beside her and helped to peel cotton one by one. Milk and grandchildren, together in the National Day, long-lost reunion, while doing work while greeting. The more we talked, the more we found that grandma became pessimistic, haggard and silent. Unlike the lively, cheerful and kind granddaughter before, she was anxious and fidgety, and she had to take her to the doctor for everything. Is she sick? Later, I went to the health station in the town. The doctor saw nothing wrong and everything was fine. On the way back from the health station that day, Mr. Dong, who was familiar with his grandmother, happened to meet him and talked a few words, including her recent situation. At that time, Mr. Dong looked at her absentminded expression and bluntly said to her grandmother, "Your granddaughter, look at her face with heavy eyebrows and big eyes. Life is hard. Even if you are unlucky, you should be careful this year so as not to bump into it." After his words, grandma frowned and was silent for a long time before saying to her, "Nothing. We are very cautious and will be very safe. " Say that finish, she held her hand tightly and walked in the direction of home.
After the holiday, she returned to school and dormitory. Roommate's back, too. They cheered and told each other about the anecdotes, places of interest, beautiful mountains and delicious food during the National Day trip ... She was afraid of disturbing their pleasant conversation, quietly entered the dormitory, put down her luggage, silently lifted the thermos bottle and queued up in the corridor on the first floor to get water.
? That summer passed slowly, and autumn began to come slowly. She heard her roommate ask with concern, why don't you talk as much as before? She didn't know how to explain her present situation, but just laughed it off.
(3)
I forget where I read a passage to the effect that quite a few people have had extreme ideas at some time or moment in their lives.
She remembered that it was autumn of a certain year.
The emergence of this idea is a bit strange. Although some unhappy little things happened in life, they were generally calm, so when these negative emotions accumulated quietly to a very serious degree, she didn't realize it.
I was depressed at first, but then I had a dull pain in my chest for a long time, and my appetite went outside the cloud nine. If there is such a thing as a mood axis, then the mood every day must be below the zero axis. She doesn't know how others feel when they are depressed, but she feels like a walking corpse, and all her senses are weakened to the extreme. Although I have never suffered from insomnia, I just want to sleep endlessly. Waking up every day is a heavy helplessness and burden. How many times have I inexplicably jumped out of my mind, "Can I sleep peacefully after taking a lot of sleeping pills?" Strange ideas.
Under the disguise of pretending to be calm and calm, people around her probably thought everything was normal. Only one friend asked her once, what happened to you recently. She said with a little sob, "Sometimes I think I can get rid of it by jumping off a building." Not only her friend but also she was shocked.
Yes, she lived on the seventh floor of the dormitory, standing on the balcony, corridor or window and looking down. The campus is crowded with people coming and going on unreasonable roads. Autumn has come, and the accumulated heat in summer is slowly giving way to the crisp autumn sky. Many times, she looked at the ground in the distance, and the laughter seemed to be thousands of miles away from her. The idea of "jumping from here will definitely not live" popped up. A chill came from the cold wind, and she woke up and took a step back.
Of course, she didn't have the courage to die, but she remembered those suffocating moments that haunted her day and night, which were longer than the nightmare that she couldn't wake up.
During that time, she did some stupid things, such as losing her diary for a long time and deleting all the negative comments left on social networks. I also watched a lot of scary movies that I didn't dare to watch before, and my heartbeat in less than a few seconds verified a feeling of being alive or alive, confirming that I am not a walking corpse. In psychology class, she listened carefully to all the knowledge about people's emotions, mentality and ideas explained by the teacher, and tried hard to find scientific reasons to convince her that the current psychological mood is normal. After class, I secretly invited a psychological teacher to give her psychological counseling and solve the problem. Under the guidance of the teacher, she tried various psychological adjustment methods, for example, being a bully in KTV and shouting all her boredom and pressure into the microphone; Adhere to the beautiful and quiet parks around the school every weekend; Heart-to-heart communication with the closest friends ... all conceivable methods were exhausted, but in the end they failed to relieve the crux of her depression. For the first time, she also found many strange books in the small corner of the library, such as Tarot fortune telling, such as mysterious astrology and fate. She intends to find a way to explain that her emotional abnormality is only a short-term fluctuation. Unfortunately, no.
It was the longest autumn and winter in memory. The warm sunshine makes the dust particles clearly visible, but she can't see any light. That kind of feeling is a bit like Hegel's Night of the World.
Like the darkness that she can never escape, the darkness of death is what she thinks most.
Then one morning at the end of June, there was a final exam, and she woke up sweating like a pig. While complaining about the hot weather, several other girls hurried to put on their clothes with the loud alarm clock, and the bright sunshine shone on the curtains in the corner above her head. Something seems to be wrong. After a few seconds, she realized that the long-lost peace had returned. The dull pain in the chest disappeared without a trace, and even a little bit of happiness was mixed. All familiar worldly things smell fresh. Entering the examination room, 120 minutes later, the exam is over, and she comes out from the back door of the examination room. The sun shines on the earth and everything is shining. She was relaxed and relaxed, and suddenly she had the joy of coming back to life.
She knew that she had walked out of the desert.
Later, she was completely well, alive and kicking as before, and her loud voice and cold jokes even intensified. Talking a lot, singing out-of-tune songs and laughing loudly restored the appearance of pistachio in the eyes of all my friends. But she knew that under the surface of life, something was quietly changing, the core of body and soul was splitting and breaking, and then re-bonding. Everything she believed in before-high education, good school, future job salary, positive praise from others-has become frivolous, and the stubborn past has been erased bit by bit. She still needs to work to make a living and socialize, but for the first time, she thinks that the most fascinating thing in life is just a warm hug from her mother, postcards with old friends' handwriting, or even a hearty iced coke on a crowded and hot bus at noon.
It turns out that the best thing is to live.
Now, whenever she encounters difficulties and feels depressed, she will look back at the most unforgettable days, soothe the wounds of the past, and then strongly encourage herself: Girl, you have survived the most difficult time, what else can you not carry?
In those miserable days, she may just be blinded by the vast world, thinking that happiness is always out of reach. When everything finally survived and became a thing of the past, I suddenly woke up: actually, walking through a dark street corner will soon embrace the sunshine and warmth of the next intersection.