Family Jokes_Funny Quotes
Family Jokes_Funny Quotes_
Need some quiet
I have been to the hospital. The husband said to his wife.
What did the doctor say? asked the wife.
He told me to have a good rest and be absolutely quiet. This is the sleeping pill he prescribed.
Okay, I will take care of you taking your medicine on time.
No, this medicine is prescribed for you. said the husband.
Golden Wedding
A couple went on their golden wedding honeymoon. In the hotel room, the wife said to her husband passionately: Do you remember you kissed me passionately on your wedding night?
How dare I forget?
Well, you try again now.
The husband grabbed his wife with one hand, but there was no movement for a long time. The wife urged: What’s the matter?
Wait a moment, my dentures are gone.
Does anyone mind
My overweight wife has tried many ways to lose weight, but nothing works. Recently, she has gained even more weight. It is easy to put on her pants but difficult to take them off. One night, she lamented to her husband: It will be fine when I get older and become a grandmother. No matter how fat I am, no one will mind.
No, some people also mind. said the husband.
Who?
Grandpa.
Off-screen drama
Wife: Honey, stop drinking, you are about to get drunk!
Husband: It’s better to be drunk. This time the director asked me to play an alcoholic, and I just want to experience it.
Wife: Okay, then I’m leaving!
Husband: Hey, why are you leaving?
Wife: I have read the script. Every time the drunkard gets drunk, his wife will go out and hide for a few days.
Self-defeating
At the dinner, John’s female secretary got drunk, so John had to drive her home. After returning home, John was afraid that his wife would not understand, so he did not tell his wife about it.
The next afternoon, John drove his wife to watch a movie. Suddenly, he found a woman's leather shoe next to his wife's feet. He picked up the leather shoe while his wife was looking out the window. He threw it out the window and breathed a sigh of relief.
Unexpectedly, the wife turned around at this time, touched John with her foot, and asked: John, have you seen my other shoe?
Wife's Worry
A salesman's wife cried and said: Every time you go out, I am very worried.
The husband comforted her and said: My dear, don’t worry about me, I will be back at any time.
The wife said: I know, that is why I am worried.
Fashionable Reasons
Do you know why men like to have long hair like a lady these days?
Because if your lover or wife finds long hair on their clothes, he will smile and say: This is my hair! He will be even more angry when the rich man Grand goes on a trip. When he goes to bed at night, he always dreams about his wife having an affair with a young man. One day, he finally sent a telegram home.
After receiving the message, the maid Su Na quickly read it to the hostess: Madam, the master said: I got news that after I left, a young man entered the house every night. In order to find out the authenticity, I will go home immediately.
After hearing this, Grand's wife was afraid that the affair would be exposed, and was frightened to death.
Suddenly, a joyful expression appeared on her face, and she said to Suna: Dear, if you have a solution, just say that the young man is here to find you!
When Su Na heard this, she hurriedly said: That’s not possible! Mrs. If the master finds out, he will be even more angry.
Don’t be superstitious
The charming lady invited the handsome salesman to sit in her apartment, but soon she heard her husband’s familiar footsteps in the hall: There was only one door in the apartment. Door. She whispered to the salesperson, you have to go out through the window.
She pushed him to the bedroom window and ordered him: Jump!
But, madam. The salesperson's voice was hoarse. We were on the 13th floor.
Jump! Madam gave the order again, there is no time for superstition!
Threat at gunpoint
The opera house was packed with people, and there were many couples of lovers in the audience.
Suddenly, a man burst into the corridor, brandishing a pistol, and shouted: My wife is in there with a man, call her out quickly, or I will shoot!
The panicked manager rushed to the stage and announced: There is a man in the corridor with a pistol. According to him, his wife and other men are in the audience.
If this is the case, please get out of the side door quickly!
Within a minute, the opera house was almost empty of women.
Family Jokes_Funny Jokes
Family Jokes_Funny Jokes_
So close in front of you
I have been running around for 3 days, but I still haven’t seen Halley’s Comet. it's a pity! The husband complained tiredly.
It doesn’t matter, although the broom star can only be seen once every 76 years, I am by your side every day. My wife consoled me.
Wedding banquet witty quotes
At the wedding banquet, people must ask the groom to answer why he fell in love with the bride.
He said: I don’t know, this could be a big mistake. At first I just fell in love with her dimples because I was a drunkard; but now I want to marry her whole person!
Preparing for the funeral
After the couple quarreled, the wife said: I don’t want to live anymore, give me a rope and let me die!
Is there anything else you want me to prepare for?
Yes, when I hang it up, you just need to cut the rope with a knife immediately.
Second choice
The nurse asked the father waiting outside the delivery room: Well, do you want a boy or a girl?
Boy!
But, I'm afraid this is a girl!
It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, this is my second choice.
Notes
I have recently been reading an autobiography of a woman who mentioned that her husband used to hide loving notes around the house so that she could do her daily chores. can be read. I envied her so much that I told my practical husband about this affair, but he didn't seem to believe it.
The next morning, as I was hurrying to clear the breakfast table, my husband seemed to be waiting to help me. Suddenly, I found a note under the dinner plate. I eagerly opened the note and read it. It said: Hurry!
Anonymous Love Letter
I really can’t think of a best gift to give my wife on her birthday that is not too expensive and will make her very happy.
Write her an anonymous love letter.
Strong earthquake
Wife: Dear, if the weather is good tomorrow, come with me to the street to buy some clothing materials! What did the weather forecast say just now?
Husband: It will rain heavily, there will be strong winds, there will be thunder, and there may be a strong earthquake!
Yes
Do you like me wearing this dress? The young wife who was preening herself in the mirror asked her husband.
It’s ugly. The husband replied, why don’t you take it and return it?
Ah, this can no longer be undone. My wife said excitedly, I bought this 3 years ago. However, since you don't like it, then go and buy me a new one!
Clock Stuttering
What time is it now? Mrs. Yoney heard her husband returning in her sleep and asked suspiciously.
It’s probably 1 o’clock! replied the husband.
At this moment, the clock struck three times.
Oops, what happened? He exclaimed, since when did this bell begin to eat?
Churchill's brilliant achievements
Churchill said when talking about his wife: I think the most brilliant achievement in my life is that I persuaded my wife to marry me.
The Secret of Love
Reporter: May I ask why the couples in your families have been able to get along for so long?
Constructor: A stable foundation is the most important thing.
Electrician: There are sparks from time to time, but we have connected the safety ground wire.
Hotel owner: Warm environment, pleasant atmosphere, focusing on privacy.
Pharmacist: Love is the panacea.
Postman: Be diligent in communicating.
Misunderstanding
My wife likes long-distance running, but some dogs often bark at her. The husband had no choice but to follow his wife on a bicycle while she was running, holding a wooden stick so that he could beat the dog. One day, a driver saw this scene, looked at his wife running in front, and then looked at her husband riding a bicycle holding a wooden stick, and couldn't help shouting: This is real abuse!
Unique trick
He got a heavy shotgun and put it at home. Whenever his wife lost her temper, he would always go to the side to clean the gun without saying a word, which scared her. His face was pale, and a civil war was over before it even started.
A friend asked him: Is she afraid that you will kill her?
No, she was afraid that I would commit suicide. he said proudly.
Hitting the Sandbag
A couple often quarreled, and the wife always got the upper hand. At this time, the husband angrily left the place where the quarrel was taking place and came to the basement. Here he beat the sandbag for 15 minutes, venting all his anger on the sandbag. In this way, he felt better. One day, something unexpected happened. The husband actually got the upper hand in the argument. Fearing that his wife would be angry, the husband persuaded her to try boxing too. The wife accepted the suggestion.
After 10 minutes of intense banging, banging, banging, my wife came back upstairs with a smile on her face.
Why are you so happy? asked the husband.
Why are you unhappy? I knocked you out in the third round.
Travel expenses back
A newlywed couple had a quarrel. Finally the wife couldn't bear it anymore and started crying. I'm going to blow it off with you, now I'm going to pack my things, leave here and go back to my parents' home.
Very good, dear. The husband said, this is your travel expenses.
She counted the numbers and said: What about the travel expenses back? Funny Quotations - Cheating Jokes
Very "funny" Cheating Jokes
The husband and wife both have lovers outside, and they often go out on their own to find excitement. They rarely spend the night together. One day when both of them were at home, they both felt a little guilty about each other, so they were extra gentle. Not wanting the two of them to sleep soundly until early in the morning, the wife suddenly turned over and sat up, dreaming loudly: "No, my husband is back!" Upon hearing this, the husband immediately got up, quickly picked up all the clothes, and jumped out of the window. ... Classic Weibo quotations
Various versions of cheating jokes will make you laugh all at once
Comment: So, it’s not that one family doesn’t belong to the same family, you really It's a perfect match!
A very "expensive" affair joke
One night, a man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Please give me a beer." The bartender said, "Okay, one beer. , a penny." The customer didn't believe it and shouted: "A beer is a penny?" The bartender said, "Exactly, a penny!" The customer looked at the menu and said, "Can I have a big rib steak? , plus two fried eggs with mushrooms." Bartender: "Of course, but it's quite expensive." Customer: "How much does it cost?" Bartender: "A total of four cents! "Where is the owner of this bar?" Bartender: "He's upstairs with my wife!" Guest: "What is he doing with your wife upstairs?" Bartender: "Just like what I did to his bar downstairs. "The same thing!"
Comment: Treat others with their own medicine, who dares you to do such a wasteful thing!
A very "corrupt" affair joke
A certain boss drove on a business trip for several days. Because he was unbearably lonely, he went to a nightclub to find a beautiful girl, and spent a thousand dollars on his one-night affair. In order to avoid being interrogated by my wife, who is in charge of finance, I issued a maintenance receipt with the note: The weather is very hot and the tire bursts, please replace it with a new one.
Comment: You have your strategies, and I have mine. The boss is just extraordinary!
A very "incomprehensible" affair joke
There is a seaside village, and most of the men in the village often go to sea and are away from home for a long time. Almost every woman in the village has an affair, but after the affair they go to the priest to confess. After a while, the priest suggested to the women: "From now on, we will call the word "infidelity" a fall. Just say "fall" and I will know!" Later, the old priest retired. Before he left, he specifically told the village chief to The meaning of the word "fall" was conveyed to the new priest, but after the new priest took office, the village chief forgot to tell the new priest this matter. Women still go to the priest for confession. Every day someone tells the priest that I fell today. Because too many people fell, the priest went to the village chief. He suggested that the village chief strengthen road construction to prevent too many people from falling. Unexpectedly, the village chief burst out laughing after hearing this. The priest didn't know why. Seeing the village chief smiling so happily, he said angrily: "Why are you laughing! The village chief's wife has fallen down three times this week!"
Comment: So don't get carried away when you say you are proud. New priest, you are too confused!
A very "unforgettable" cheating joke
A funeral director worked late one day. His job was usually to make detailed inspections of the dead body before it was sent for burial or incineration. examine. When he examined Mr. Wang's body, he was surprised to find that Mr. Wang's body was the longest and largest one he had ever seen. "Mr. Wang, I'm so sorry! I can't just send you to be cremated like this. That special thing of yours must be left for future generations." So the coroner used a scalpel to cut off the thing and wrap it up. Put it in your purse and take it home. The first one showed it to his wife: "Honey, let me show you something you will never believe!" He opened his wallet and took out the thing. When his wife saw it, she shouted, "Oh my God! Mr. Wang is dead!" ”
Comment: How should my wife explain afterwards? Explanation is just a cover-up, I can’t explain it clearly!
A very "tragic" affair joke
Lao Zheng was lying on the hospital bed dying, and his wife Xiao Chan sat beside the bed, holding his hand with tears streaming down her face, and murmuring something. prayer. Lao Zheng opened his weak eyes and looked at Xiao Chan, opened his pale lips and said softly: "Dear Xiao Chan,..." Xiao Chan covered his mouth: "You are tired! Go to sleep quietly, be good, "Don't talk!" Lao Zheng said weakly: "But I have something to confess to you!" "There is nothing to confess! You are tired, so you should sleep well!" Xiao Chan said sobbingly. "No! No! No! I must confess my love, and I want to die peacefully. I once slept with your sister, your best friend, your best friend's friend.
Xiaochan sobbed softly: "I know, that's why I wanted to poison you!" ”
Comment: My wife’s last words will definitely not let him die peacefully. He will die in an uneasy way and be depressed!
A very “troublesome” cheating joke< /p>
The two women drank in the suburbs until dawn. On the way back, they felt anxious and walked into a cemetery on the roadside because they didn't bring toilet paper. She took off her underwear, wiped it, and threw away the underwear. The second woman found a wreath next to it, so she took off the elegiac couplet and wiped it. Not long after the two women returned home, their husbands exchanged phone calls. We have to be careful. There must have been something going on with them last night. I found that my wife was not wearing underwear when she came back! "I was even more miserable. I found a note on my wife's butt that said: "I will never forget you!"
Comment: It is probably difficult to explain this kind of thing clearly. Who makes the "handle" so conclusive!
A very "unexpected" affair joke
There is a middle-aged couple who have two very beautiful daughters, but they have always longed to have a son. They finally decided to make a last-ditch attempt. After several months of hard work, the wife got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy little boy nine months later. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his newborn son and was horrified by what he saw. His son turned out to be the ugliest baby he had ever seen. He ran to see his wife and told her that he could never be the father of the baby, and asked his wife fiercely: "Are you stealing a man behind my back?" His wife smiled at him sweetly and said: "Not this time."
Comment: Fortunately, I have my own biological son. It would be a shame if he didn't have one!
A very "coincidental" affair joke
There was a woman who secretly fooled around with her lover while her husband was at work. One day when the two of them were in bed, the woman heard the sound of her husband's car coming back. She called her lover anxiously: "Hurry up and take your clothes and jump out of the window!" Her lover looked at him and said: "It's raining heavily outside. You call me." Jump out?" "If my husband catches us two, we will definitely die," the woman shouted. Her lover had no choice but to pick up his clothes and jump out of the window. As a result, he jumped into a group of marathon runners. He had to join in the running while holding his clothes. A player asked him: "Are you used to running naked?" He replied breathlessly: "Yes, this can reduce air resistance." Another player asked the streaking man: "You are used to running naked when running." Do you have the clothes in your hand?" He replied breathlessly: "Yes, this way, I can put on my clothes and drive home after the game."
Comment: So wise. Lovers are indeed rare, that’s why they are so popular!
A very "warm" affair joke
When a woman was lying on the bed and having sex with her lover, she suddenly heard the sound of her husband opening the door and entering the house. "Quick! Stand in that corner and don't move!" The woman quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body, sprinkled lime powder all over his body, and told him softly, "Stand there and don't move, you just pretend to be a plaster statue." She said. When the husband entered the room, he pointed at something in the corner: "What is that?" The woman said calmly, "Oh! It's just a plaster statue. There is also one in the Cai family's bedroom. I think it's quite beautiful, so I made it too. The couple stopped talking about the plaster statue until they went to bed. At about two o'clock in the morning, my husband got up and went to the kitchen to eat. When he returned to the room, he held a sandwich and a glass of milk. He handed it to the plaster statue and said, "Take it and have something to eat! Don't be like me who stood at Cai's house all day. Not even a sip of water.”
Comment: Long live understanding, this husband should win the Most Responsible Cuckold Award!
Classic Funny Quotations - Joke Collection
"Tom, what are you digging a hole for?"
"My goldfish died, I will make a grave for it." "
"Is this pit too big? "
"There is no way, the goldfish is in your cat's belly."
The little toad saw it. After catching the frog, he asked his mother: "That uncle looks like us, but why is he green-skinned?"
Mother Toad: "Shh! Keep your voice down, that's because his wife is in love with someone else." Festival is over."
An old woman was sitting on a chair in the park, and a child came over: "Grandma, are your teeth okay?"
"Already? No, it’s all gone.”
So the child took out a bag of walnuts and said, “Please take it for me. I’ll go over and play with the ball for a while...”
Teacher : "How to distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus?"
Student: "If you fart for it to smell, the hands will cover the nose, and the rest will be the feet.
A boy He wrote to his girlfriend: Dear, for you, I will risk my life to cross the ocean and jump into the abyss without hesitation. I will find you on time on Sunday, if it doesn’t rain!
Three prisoners sit before a leering judge.
The judge asked majestically: "What's your name?!"
"Bill," the second prisoner replied honestly.
"I didn't ask you!" the judge roared,
"But I didn't say anything," the third prisoner replied aggrievedly.
Priest: My child, repent of your grave sins. Otherwise, the gates of heaven will be closed to you.
Thief: Don’t worry, there is no door in the world that I can’t open.
A large, arrogant truck carried a large wooden sign, which read: "My car collided with other cars 17 times, 15 times of which I won, 1 was a draw, and only 1 was a loss. Therefore. You should think twice before hitting me!"
A county magistrate with a heavy accent came to the village to make a report:
Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! !
Translation: Comrades and fellow villagers, pay attention! Don't talk, it's a meeting now! ! )
After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: "Please pickles, sausages and pickled melons!
Translation: Now let’s invite the township magistrate to speak!)
Township magistrate Said: "Rabbits, the dog has eaten today's meal, everyone is a big bastard!"
Translation: Comrades, today’s meal is enough. Let’s all have big bowls! )
No pickles, I’ll pick up dog poop and lick it for you. . .
Translation: Don’t talk, I’ll tell you a story. . .
Congratulations! Your wife just gave birth to a big fat boy for you in the hospital. You have been out for more than two years and you still haven't come home to see him.
One day, you and I went on an adventure and met a troll. It smelled you first, then me, and then chose to eat me. I felt it was unfair, so I asked Why is it? It says it is from the Hui ethnic group
A man was drunk and riding home in a car. The driver was a woman. The man took off his clothes when he got in the car. The female driver questioned his behavior, but he was shocked and said : "What are you doing at my house? I have a wife!"
A man sadly said to his drinking buddy: "I didn't expect that my wife was unfaithful to me. She told me that she had an affair with her last night. "I was with her sister, but in fact, I was with her sister last night!"
Daughter: "Someone introduced me to a man. His father is the director, and his uncle works in the Ministry of Foreign Trade!" Be a manager in Hong Kong! "Mother: "The conditions are really good, so who are you going to marry?"
A plane flew over a mental hospital. Suddenly, the pilot burst out laughing, and the stewardess asked curiously, "Why are you laughing so happily?" The pilot said, "If they knew I escaped, they would be mad!"
Boss: "Why are you late today?"
Staff: "Because you announced yesterday that you can only read newspapers at home."
The mother and daughter visited the art exhibition of their daughter's boyfriend.
The mother noticed that one of the nude portraits looked exactly like her daughter, and asked, "You didn't paint him naked, did you?"
"Ah, no," the daughter replied He said, "He drew it from memory."
A farmer in a certain county fed pigs swill every day, and was fined 10,000 yuan by the "Animal Protection Association" for mistreating animals.
Later, the farmer switched to feeding the pigs Tianshan snow lotus, and was fined 10,000 yuan by the "Animal Protection Association" for wasting food. One day, the leader came to inspect again and asked the farmers what to feed the pigs. The farmer said: "I don't know what to feed. Now I give it a hundred yuan a day and let it go out to eat on its own."
The shark looked at a windsurfer and said: " The hospitality is really thoughtful. There is breakfast, plates and napkins.”
The explorer traveled with a local tour guide in the African virgin forest.
Traveler: "Is it safe here? Are there cannibals?"
Tour guide: "Absolutely impossible! Because the last cannibal was eaten by us last week Dropped! ”