A lot of humorous jokes are badly needed. Thank you. nine

A friend asked his third-grade son, "Where are you in the class?"

"third." The son replied.

"Great!" The friend said enviously.

Son: "Just two can't beat!" " "

2. Bus fun

Everyone knows that there are two ways to pay by bus: coin or credit card. When I took the bus today, there was a MM in front of me. After getting on the bus, I took out a dollar from my pocket and rubbed it on the card reader. Then I put the money in my pocket and found a place to sit down and continue reading. After the driver reminded, MM blushed and the whole car was speechless. I laughed in the back, only to see MM brain-dead take out the bus card and put it decisively into the slot. ...

Step 3 answer blows with blows

Today, on the side of the road, a girl came over and looked like a college student, as if she wanted to ask for directions. When she came up, she called, "Uncle ..." Sweat! I'm not yet thirty. How can I be like an uncle? So I clenched my fists: "Sister-in-law, what's the matter?"

4. When a swindler meets a robber,

My friend bought an old fake gold necklace and wears it to work every day. Once when I came back from the night shift, I passed a remote place and suddenly saw two boys coming towards him on motorcycles! Seeing that they were going to grab the necklace, friends quickly picked it up and threw it into the grass next to them. The two robbers jumped off the motorcycle to look for it without hesitation, and then their friends calmly got on the motorcycle and rode away. The robber was stupid, and one asked, "Brother, what should I do?" The other said cruelly, "Call the police!"

5. Why didn't you eat shit at first?

The teacher asked, "since ancient times, who has never had shit in his life?" You take the next sentence. "

Student: "Who defecates without paper?"

The teacher was very angry and told the students to stand up. At this time, when the teacher saw that it was snowing outside the window, he said with regret, "It doesn't rain when it snows, but it turns into rain when it reaches the ground." How troublesome it is to turn into rain. Why didn't it rain at the beginning? "

The student said, "Teachers don't eat shit when they eat, but when they eat it, they become shit." . How troublesome it is to become a cockroach. Why didn't you eat it at first? "The teacher fainted on the spot!

6. It's chilling

One day, I found a checkers in win7 and played it all afternoon. At first, I kept losing. Later, I felt that I had made a good move. I saw two sentences pop up in the dialog box: "awesome! Good chess! "

I thought it was a stand-alone game and replied, "Wow, the computer can talk."

And then nothing happened for a long time. Finally, the other party sent a sentence: "Big Brother, I played with you all afternoon. It's chilling that you don't treat me like a human being. . . "

7. Name

There is a couple. The first child gave birth to a girl named "Zhao Di", the second child named "Youzhao", the third child named "Zaizhao" by the girl, and the fourth child was a girl. Father was angry and named her "stunt".

8. This crocodile has no shoes.

A Polish man was envious when he saw his friend wearing a pair of crocodile shoes. When asked, it was very expensive, so I decided to hunt a crocodile myself. He found a swamp, jumped into the water and struggled with a crocodile for a long time, and finally dragged the crocodile ashore. Then he sighed and said, "This crocodile has no shoes to wear and wasted so much time."

9. Who wants to be my girlfriend?

At the concert, a buddy excitedly said to the stars on the stage with a microphone: "I am your most loyal fan." I have attended almost all your concerts, and I finally have a chance today! " Can you take a picture with my girlfriend? "The star felt very moved and agreed without hesitation.

Then the buddy listened happily and asked the audience, "Great, so ladies, who wants to be my girlfriend?"

10, now you are really dead.

A man ventured alone in the forest and suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. So he shouted to the sky, "I'm dead, God help me!" " "

A voice came from the sky: "not necessarily, you pick up a big stone on the ground again and smash the leader to death."

So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground and threw it at the chief, just killing him. Then another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead."

1 1, me after 30 years.

In the composition "Me Thirty Years Later" in primary school, one child wrote: It's a nice day today. I drove a Rolls Royce from my husband's wedding anniversary, wore a three-carat diamond ring and a ruby necklace around my neck, and took my children to the Great Forest Park to play. Suddenly, a smelly, filthy and homeless old lady rushed out of the road. Oh, my God, she is my Chinese teacher!

Teacher's comment: You are standing in class this week!

Blushing is natural.

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. "

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly."

The pig said, "People who fart will blush."

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing."

13, fortune telling

I saw a fortune teller on the street today and asked him to tell my fortune. He read my palm for a long time and suddenly looked up at me. Then he knelt on the ground and shouted, "Long live the emperor!"

14. Whose mobile phone is this?

A man heard a cell phone ringing in the locker room of the gym, so he picked it up and answered it. Another man said, "honey, I think that sports car is so beautiful, as long as 2 million." The man said, "buy it."

The woman added, "Dear, the price of the building I mentioned last time has been reduced to 6 1000 yuan." The man said, "buy it."

Woman: "Honey, I love you". Man: "I love you, too." The phone hung up.

The man shouted, "Whose mobile phone is this?"

15, seven courses of treatment.

When the Tang Priest and his party were in distress, Wukong pulled out his hair and became seven fake Tang Priests. Huang Paoguai couldn't tell the truth, so he immediately took him back to the cave and said to Princess Baihua, "Madam, I brought the Tang Priest back. Eat his flesh and you will live forever! "

Princess Baihua looked at it and wondered, "Why are there seven?"

Huang Paoguai said, "Maybe seven is a course of treatment ..."

16, the exam questions are too biased and too difficult.

Dad said, "Show me the report card." It took Xiao Qiang a long time to get out his report card.

Dad: "Geography 58, history 57, politics 59! What are you doing in class? "

Xiao Qiang: "The questions given by the teacher are too difficult."

Dad: "Where is it? Where is the difficulty? "

Xiao Qiang: "The geography exam is about places I haven't been to, and the history exam is about things before I was born. I didn't attend political meetings. How do I know? "

17, there is an error in the test paper.

Halfway through the final exam, the broadcast rang: "Attention, students, there are mistakes on the paper! Please look at the second item of the ninth question on page 4:' Li Lei walks at a speed of 5 kilometers per hour. How many hours did it take to walk 10 km?' Please change Li Lei into Han Meimei. Thank you. "

A puppy climbed onto the dining table of the army and onto a roast chicken. The army was furious and said, "If you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you." As a result, the puppy licked the chicken's ass and the army fainted. The puppy said happily, "Look who is cruel."

Making fun of the teacher: (1) In math class, a boy was picking his nose. The teacher said, "xx, stop digging. There are more and more such things. "

(2) Chinese teacher: I killed pigs in my last life, taught in this life, killed people in my last life, and taught Chinese in this life.

(3) teach you that I will live at least five years less. If my annual salary is 0.2 million/200 thousand, it will be 6.5438+0 million in five years, dear! In the future, you can publish a book called How We Murdered a Millionaire.

(4) There is a saying that "Huashan has been a road since ancient times." Going up the mountain is this way, going down the mountain is this way, and if there is any other way, it is free fall.

(5) All right, everybody, laugh quickly. I want to keep talking. By the way, I want to remind some students that although the teacher speaks very well, you must not be reluctant to upgrade. As far as I know, some students in this class have listened to my class for three years and are still in Grade One. Do you want to sign? If you want to, just say so. ...

(6) The geography teacher asked: Where does the river flow? A student suddenly stood up and sang: The river flows eastward. The teacher ignored him and then asked, How many stars are there in the sky? Students sing: The stars in the sky join Beidou. The teacher was out of breath: get out. The student said, let's go. The teacher is very helpless: you are sick. Student: You have everything. Teacher: You are singing a quiz. Student: The road is rugged. Teacher: You shout.

1 There was a trap crossing the road and I was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I was stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

There is a polar bear, because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around the ground with his eyes closed until his hands and feet are dirty. Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

3. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice. When he was really bored, he began to pluck his hair, one, two, three, and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that passed through a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas ~

Where's Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

9. Pandas love deer deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers.

10 which is the coolest Chinese character? Thong (cool)

The towel said to the coin, son. If you put on a doctor's hat, you will be worth a hundred times.

The "ruler" said to "do": Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins.

The minister said to the giant: the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls.

Have fun! O(∩_∩)O~