I like Chen Cheng’s suggestive text messages

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Stone City is a historic site in Nanjing, and sometimes it is also referred to as Nanjing. The so-called tiger sitting on the dragon's plate means that the stone city looks like a tiger. If Jinling is said to be the capital of kingly aura, it probably depends on the Feng Shui atmosphere of tigers and dragons sitting on top of each other. I think back then, when I first came to Nanjing to study, I was very enthusiastic about scholarly work, half heroic and half arrogant. The years are passing by like water, and now only this flesh and blood bag is left, and the ambition has not been fulfilled. As the saying goes, "I am sighing that others will not live long, but I don't know that I will return to mourn." The regret of leaving behind half a lifetime of hardships is not enough for outsiders.

One night a year ago, one of my elders invited me to dinner in Nanjing. This elder has been friends with my parents for three generations. He was an undergraduate after the Cultural Revolution. He went into business after the reform and opening up. He relied on his intelligence and wisdom to accumulate tens of millions of wealth in just half a lifetime. The only daughter's education and appearance were not satisfactory, so she was sent to England to earn a diploma for a few years. The elders and my parents had secret intentions for their children's marriages in the early years - they all wanted to bring us together as a couple.

At that time, I had feelings for the girl I was attracted to for the first time in my life. The girl and I were both studying in the same school, and my admiration was beyond words, which only hindered the girl’s face. Not stated clearly. I just remember that one night when we were returning from shopping, on the bus back to school, the girl and I sat in the back of the bus and whispered. Her words were sincere, almost explicit, and her tone was sad, which made me almost cry. Since I was a child, my mother has been unreasonably strict with me, and has been extremely defensive about relationships between men and women. She even tore up all the photos of me and my female classmates in high school. I have a slight sensitivity, intermittent sadness, and a desire for self-isolation. , including low self-esteem and depression, as well as some inexplicable fear of women, which are probably related to my experience. (Of course, I did not complain about my mother. On the contrary, I deeply respect and love my mother. Without her, there would be no life and feelings for me. She is just one of the hundreds of millions of ordinary working women in China. She regards me as more important than her own life. As children, we should understand the limitations of our parents transcendently and not get too entangled. We should defeat ourselves rather than our parents, right?) I hinted to my family many times? My own thoughts, unfortunately, my mother did not give in in the end. I remember the most heated argument. I rarely said directly: "We (my elder's daughter and I) have no feelings." My mother also directly retorted: "Emotions can be cultivated."

Finally I gave in. My father told me a long time ago that there is no win-win situation in this kind of problem. One party must retreat. As things changed, I became the retreater. I never rebelled against my parents even in adolescence. All my rebellious spirit was suppressed and sacrificed by my parents' unanimous opinions and mutual defense. Probably my parents deprived me of the right to "self-love" in the name of "other love." Since I was a child, I have never understood "self-love" or what "freedom" is. The theory that I have always been taught is that my parents love me wholeheartedly, so in return and to ensure my happiness, I must leave my decision-making power for the future to my parents. My parents are well-informed and have a better understanding of society and human nature than I do. With a deep understanding, their decision must be the most correct. I have no way of judging my parents' motives in this matter, but I became a shameful traitor, betraying my true love and deciding to try my luck according to other people's opinions.

Over the years, along the way, many gay men have wanted to stay with me for life. I have always been hesitant and can always say clearly: That is impossible, I will always get married. With any man, you are always a companion on a journey. ——My hypocritical face at that time was probably full of lies. Perhaps it is a good thing that I am infected with HIV now. It has pushed me to the forefront and I have to face myself - To Be or Not To Be? There is always an explanation for everything. I hope that I can gain self and immortality in the remaining life, and maybe this can be done.

No more gossip.

If you have shed tears because of our affairs before, I will return the tears to you today; since I was a child, I have eaten all the snacks you gave me and the meals you cooked, and I have vomited them out today. The past grudges have been wiped out, and we can be good friends in an upright manner. You are still my good sister. I will treat you as my sister from the bottom of my heart and care about you. This has never changed. There is no need to vent our mutual resistance to our parents on each other.

Before the New Year's bell rang, I finally passed out drunk in Stone City - this city that I was deeply obsessed with and deeply complained about. I wanted to fly away but had no choice but to live in it for the time being - I hate, I have been trying to eliminate the hatred in my heart since I was a child, but how can I not have hatred? ——Since ancient times, there has always been passion and hatred.

I was drunk, wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes, and fell asleep with passionate hatred.