I cruelly refused my grandma’s apology because she didn’t treat my parents well when she was young. Am I wrong?

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01.

My parents have given us everything, but we did not understand the suffering they suffered when we were young; when we grow up, we should understand it.

I was born in the countryside of Neijiang City, Sichuan Province. Our village is close to Zigong City, the salt capital for thousands of years. Both parents are farmers, with no education or skills, they only know how to farm. There are two children at home, me and my brother. My brother is six years older than me. At that time, our family was poor and we didn’t have enough food or clothing.

As early as I can remember, my family had porridge for three meals a day. It was rare to eat white rice, let alone meat, so our family was very thin. My brother and I all wore clothes given by relatives. We happened to be six years apart from my brother, so I could wear clothes that he couldn't wear. Every year I look forward to the Chinese New Year, because every Chinese New Year brings me a new piece of clothing or a new pair of shoes.

Both my parents are honest farmers, and they are timid. They have neither the courage to do business nor the conditions to work (the two children at home are unsupervised, and the grandparents do not help take care of them). They can only earn a living by guarding the few acres of land to support us two brothers.

They are like two cows, carrying the heaviest plow on their backs, with their backs to us, silently opening up territory and guiding the direction for our brothers.

At that time, all families in the same village allowed their children to go out to work or attend a technical school after finishing junior high school, so that they could earn money to support their families as soon as possible. But no matter how hard the family kept the blame, our parents were still very determined to let us study. Although they can't help us with our studies, they provide us with the opportunity to study and encourage us to keep reading, because they just suffer the disadvantage of being uneducated.

The labor force in the family is actually seriously insufficient. Regardless of our age, we two brothers have to go to work, planting rice and threshing, harvesting corn, rubbing corn, fertilizing and planting beans. I am ignorant and always like to be lazy, and my parents will occasionally blame me. They always jokingly say: "You will know nothing when you go to your mother-in-law's house from now on, and they won't let you in."

02.

In fact, we can avoid a lot of suffering. , but God seems not to be willing.

For as long as I can remember, the relationship between my grandparents and my mother has been very tense. My grandma gave birth to six children, three sons and three daughters. My daughters are all married, my father is the second oldest, and the other two brothers are my eldest uncle and fifth uncle.

The uncle and the fifth uncle live in the same yard as their grandparents, and their relationship is relatively harmonious. Our family had a bad time with my grandparents when my parents got engaged, and for some unknown reason, my mother always got into trouble after the marriage. She even had a miscarriage because she was forced to work during her pregnancy.

Later, the resentment finally broke out. My parents moved out of the yard, reapplied for a homestead one kilometer away and built a new home. In my impression, my grandparents did not help my family much, and they rarely even came to my home. They have been raising children since childhood, but the children they raised were all the children of the uncle and the fifth uncle, and they have always ignored us two brothers. Every Chinese New Year, the New Year's money from grandparents and other things are non-existent to us two brothers.

When my brother entered high school, because he could live on campus, my parents made up their mind to go out to work, and my grandfather finally agreed to take care of me, who was still in the third grade of elementary school at the time.

Many years later, what impressed me most was the breakfast of cold rice and rice soup that my grandfather prepared for me every day, and then paired with a side of sauerkraut.

03.

Happy families are generally the same, and unhappy families are each unhappy in their own way.

On the third month when my parents went out to work, the unfortunate news came from the factory. Due to negligence at work, my father’s foot was caught in the mixer and was disabled. At that time, my grandpa got the news first. When he told us, I thought it was nothing serious. I was still hoping that my parents would come home early and bring me toys.

Later, my dad was helped back on crutches, and most of his feet were reattached, but he walked with a limp and was no longer as agile as before.

When we received them, it had been several months, but my mother still couldn’t hide the sadness on her face. The whole village came to see my father’s injury with supplements.

I was very happy when I saw so many delicious things. Later I became a little wiser, and when I think about it, I really want to give myself a slap in the face.

In Guangzhou in the 1990s, workers did not receive effective job protection. My father’s disability only earned him 25,000 yuan. At that time, the atmosphere at home became very boring. Seeing my parents’ sad faces, I began to take the initiative to help the family with all kinds of things I could do.

To this day, I don’t have any memory of my grandparents lending a helping hand to my family. All the burdens in life are placed on my mother, a woman, and my father cannot help even if he wants to. He began to lose his temper, give up on himself, and would not go with us when we went out, saying he was afraid of embarrassing us.

One time during the busy farming season, my mother was really too busy, and my grandparents refused to help. She had a busy day and had to cook for us when she came home. After cooking dinner, my mother did not come to the table to eat. I heard her crying in the direction of my grandparents' house in the dam. The sound was desolate and helpless. Due to the high terrain of my home, the sound traveled far and wide. I still can't forget the lonely figure of my mother standing on the hillside, crying in the wind.

04.

I couldn’t understand my mother’s mood at the time, and I even thought she was so weak. Later, I realized that my mother was really tired. A woman was carrying a whole family alone. Traveling back and forth between farmland and mountains, carrying manure, transplanting rice seedlings, and sowing seeds, she knew how to do everything in the wind and rain, and she had to do everything by herself.

After returning home, she had to take care of my father and young me who were lying at home, but she never complained to us. I don’t know how many nights she secretly wiped away tears.

Maybe I have read too many Zhihuye articles, which blurred my judgment on human nature. After I went to college, I thought that my grandparents were old now after all, and they had been kind to my dad in raising me, so I should treat them better in the future.

But as I write this, I feel more and more sorry for my parents. They raised us two brothers on that three-quarter acre. Until we grew up, they never mentioned the bitterness to others, maybe because they couldn't express it, maybe because they felt it was not humane.

Although my grandparents are older now, they still rarely contact us. I think the reason is not that they still insist on their arrogance, but maybe because of their inner guilt.

I still remember that the last time I returned to my hometown was two or three years ago. I went to see them that night and they were very enthusiastic. I hesitated in my heart, but I gave grandma some money alone to buy more supplements. Grandma suddenly grabbed my hand with excitement, her eyes were red, and then said: "Son, I'm sorry for you."

I didn't listen and quickly stopped her apology. It is not a cure-all for all wounds. Because I don’t want to recall that childhood full of tragedy, and I can’t really forgive them in my heart.

Now my brother and I both work in the same city, and we have brought our parents here as well.

As for my hometown, I haven’t been back for several years. It’s not that I can’t go back, but that I don’t want to go back. No matter where I am, my hometown is where I feel at ease; if I don’t feel at ease, my hometown is also a foreign country...