Forty-five, Huang Jinshan

I am back in Shenzhen, with hesitation and a whole body of discomfort. Now my identity has become a wanderer, and I am no longer here to pursue my dreams, just to find a place to live with my friends, read quietly and review my writing. When I left a year and a half ago, I waved goodbye to my friends, said goodbye to each other, and added a hug, so I left with an anxious, lost and tired heart. On the plane, looking at the empty airport through the window, my heart is empty. So I took out my mobile phone and wrote a passage for Shenzhen under the white clouds, one of which was "whether to give up the Yan 'an-style retreat or retreat to Taiwan Province-style escape, which is a question". This kind of content is not so much a question that you don't know the answer, but rather that you just don't want to lose face in the eyes of your friends and make them think that this is your fragile performance. In essence, what you have is still firm. All you need is for them to judge that this is not a problem. At that time, I was very concerned about my friends' feelings, and I was afraid of others' misunderstanding and their underestimation. But now I don't need them anymore. They are just ordinary people, far from representing anything. Such recognition is dispensable.

You told your friends that this city is like a fantasy or a bubble. People seem to be brainwashed, chasing a worthless content and clinging to it. You admit that these words are more likely to be like an unverifiable feeling, far from rational judgment, and the color of conspiracy theories is too strong. They ask you if you think you are crazy with the look in your eyes. You can only say in a firm tone that you are not crazy, but everyone is crazy, but you have no absolute reason.

you can't tell whether you exiled a city or the city exiled you for three thousand miles, but others can see clearly that it is you. There are not a whole city of crazy fish here. They are all eating the feed mixed with hormones, and they are walking around in the crowd with great excitement. What is crazy is that you don't want to turn back. It is hateful that you still turn back from time to time and spit a few disgusting mouthfuls.

When the bus comes, people are crowded. Everyone has to go home and go back to their own residence. It is also a home. It floats and affects everyone. Probably marriage is always formal enough, so everyone is anxious to solve this safety problem and needs a set of houses to reflect safety. But what is this kind of security? It is just the embodiment of the most concentrated material. People can always shout for hard work to realize their lives, but the final meaning also stays there, in order to build a house, which is an absolute dream. The bus is driving, and the pavement is a narrow shop. You can't help thinking that street storefronts, clothing and jewelry should flaunt people's personality and youth, but what is personality and what is youth? Is it a unique pig or a unique Socrates who explores life? Everyone will not hesitate too much. Although every decision is made in the chaos without much thinking, as long as we overcome that little discomfort, everyone has an answer, and the answer will never be to be a happy pig. But what kind of Socrates are they going to be? Perhaps Socrates and the pig have never been clear. Even if people can talk clearly about how much they look like Socrates, can you say that his behavior and his thinking will not have pig-like enjoyment?

along the way, you have seen through them. Whether they are desires, dreamers or natural people, there is no difference in their essence. They all say they need material things. You are puzzled, but you also know that it was not just a luxury car and BMW, it was just a small wish, and then it was just a lack of spirit. This is a remnant of history, no one's fault, but inertia made them too attached to their desires. Socrates is too serious after all. What people need is comfort without thinking. As for Socrates or pig, it is not a question.

I have lured many friends with the goodness of Shenzhen. Its youthful and beautiful tall buildings, clean streets and countless young people are all characteristics of the city. Nowadays, sitting on the bus, I feel a sense of alienation. What I see is not a group of glamorous beautiful women, lovely faces and postures, but a mixture of desires. They and they use advanced civilization, but in the end they just live in shallow spiritual material in order to satisfy the instinctive desire of animals. Shenzhen, the whole city is like a huge flock of sheep. If you put a red on your face, I will put a green on my head, which is fascinating and fascinating. But it's not just Shenzhen, but it looks like a slutty naked fashion show with the participation of the whole society. The street is the runway, everyone is a model and a loyal audience, and there is no need to go to any auto show. If you don't want to take pictures with your camera aboveboard, beauty is everywhere.

when you say that you are neither a saint nor a villain, the implication is that you need to vent your desires and you don't need to be temperate. So, what you forgot to pay attention to under greed and a little flamboyance is whether you are a morally qualified person like this, whether the desire of this society is enough to let your release be integrated into safety, and some of them are just enjoying themselves and indulging in excesses, but they are enjoying themselves endlessly and smiling on their thick faces. Even you don't have to feel bad, such frank disclosure reveals your confidence in self-pursuit, if you can ignore the slightest bit of hope for recognition. This society is safe enough, and you know it well, so do everyone. Your Excellence lies in that you can show it without doubt, and more importantly, you have the opportunity to get a little pleasure from it.

The sad thing is that it is such a value that locks an unsatisfied person who is looking for a unique self in this dark prison, satisfies him in his desire and destroys its most distinctive significance. Perhaps there is nothing to blame. It seems that not only this society is like this, but we can make ourselves embrace all this calmly by looking at history and comparing with western civilization. As a friend said, this is the necessity of the world, and there is nothing that individuals can do. You can't even tell how much you are defending here, how much you feel at ease, and how much you feel at ease. But if the whole civilization is wrong, who can question the worthlessness of self-living?

Being reasonable is taken as an absolute excuse to make you feel ashamed, but what should you do if what exists is not necessarily the most reasonable, or even there are many problems? Is to let this unreasonable thing continue? You are so used to thinking that civilization is good enough, and everything today is good enough, but you didn't come to ask urgently. Is it really reasonable enough? Is the meaning of life really like this? Is happiness really the ultimate need of people as a neurotransmitter? Are the things that can make you feel safe and satisfied really enough to make you safe and satisfied?

You don't have anger. It's not in the past. You have insight into everything. What do you care about? A sensitive and suspicious heart will dress itself up very noble, which should not be yourself. People say that self-confidence and inferiority seem to be either one or the other and cannot exist in one person, but what they forget is that people's hearts are complex enough. A person can often be very confident, but at the same time have a heart that is sensitive enough to inferiority. The key here is that self-confidence is not your own temperament, and it is not accompanied by growing up from a young age. It is just a certain aspect, which means that you should strive for self-improvement there. But it is this kind of self-confidence that is more confusing, which makes you think that you are confident enough and more resolute. The result is only more extreme, and you also disguise yourself more innocently. The result is also more difficult to reflect on, and it is more difficult to get out of this shackles, so that your life is getting deeper and deeper here, and you can't turn back, and you are far from willing to let yourself turn back.

You are lucky enough to turn thinking into self-confidence. As a result, you can use it to break through those sensitive and stubborn selves again and again to discover and explore, but what should those people do and who will make them turn back? Do people really pursue this civilization? Is this an inevitable defect of modernization or its progress? Man's stubbornness is its inevitable result?

My terminal is in Huang Jinshan, which is different from Baimang's village name. It is a community name, but there is no difference in fact. It was originally called Huangjunshan, but it is obviously not loud enough. If you want to have a chance, you should keep up with the times, so you can see that these two names are still used alternately and confusedly here, but no matter which one you use, everyone knows what you are referring to. I have been grateful for such a name. Who can say that this is not a kind of complacency, just like a real estate called Dengxianju or a license plate with six eights?

Although it was quickly found in the evenings after work after the second job, it is different from Baimang, and it is flat enough, so the bobbin-like building is more clear and consistent. Different from those communities in Shanghai with a dozen 3-storey buildings, where there are 2-3 meters of grass between the buildings, each building here is like a close brother, and inherits absolutely the same genes. It has almost the same shape, the size of the window and the iron railings outside the window are synchronized without any mistakes. Compared with three years ago, the only difference is that some brothers have become richer and more humid, and some have been converted into youth apartments. Walking in every narrow alley here, the most uncomfortable thing is that you look up at the sky, which is tantamount to looking at the moon at the bottom of the well. It is uncomfortable enough and depressing, as if it were a gap of hope. Fortunately, people don't like to hold their heads up very much. That kind of action is weird enough. I can't imagine what kind of life there will be. If I have children, what is their childhood, their personality and their value here? Will it be like a naked wood gnawed by insects?

There is a park around here, called Huangjinshan Park, which is also there. My friend Liu and I once walked and talked there. It was a rather restless night, just like those sleepless nights, which represented the importance and significance behind it. At two o'clock in the middle of the night, I could wake up and chat, and only Liu could understand the fun behind such boring and inexplicable behavior, so we walked there, empty, talking about dreams and love. I think the only thing I didn't understand was the definition of perfectionism, which actually meant not absolute perfection, but the standard in my mind.

My friend's house is still the same, and this is where I lived. About it, the memory has already been cleared. You think that if you don't remember it in the past year, those perceptions will disappear, but in fact, the memory is more like quietly lurking in the depths of people's consciousness, waiting for a day of re-extraction. Perhaps it is this indescribable constant storage through the five senses, and I don't know when and where it will be extracted, which provides a steady stream of materials for people's thinking and feelings, so people's self-identity can be kept intact.

This is a one-bedroom and one-living room. Only the wall on the bedroom side can see out of the window, and it can welcome the first-hand sunshine when the sun obliquely comes in every afternoon. If someone in the living room has to turn on the light, otherwise it will be dark enough to penetrate people. When my friend led me in, I joked that I had forgotten all this, but in fact I was very familiar with it. It was still the same decoration, sofa, coffee table, bookcase and chair. The different feeling was that it was very oppressive. You couldn't take a big step with your arms off, but you should watch your feet carefully and you might kick something. Maybe staying in a bright place for long enough, the light here always gives people a dark feeling, a sense of inexplicably cheap.

It's also here. A friend told me a year and a half ago that this kind of house is called the handshake building. The implication is that when you stick your hand out of the iron railing covering the window and don't think it's dirty, and the people in the opposite building should greet you so warmly, then you can shake hands and make good wishes. I haven't held it, and I don't know if this distance can really make two people physically touch each other, but the sound of bathing, coughing and laughing when watching variety shows in the opposite house are clearly visible. Presumably, this is the closest and most familiar stranger. Every day, you can feel everything about the opposite person, and some of them just glance at each other occasionally. The wall is really a good thing, which is more obvious here, enough to hide people's blindness.

Everything I left in the room was thrown away by them when they cleaned it. Except the table, chair and record player, the yoga mat was not mine. It was used by them to practice abdominal muscles, and mine was used to practice yoga. It was also in the big single room outside the customs that I started yoga for the first time. As a result, I heard the dull sound of my own bones creaking and creaking. It was also at that moment that I suddenly understood that what a person has is always spiritual cognition and experience. The so-called body is just a carrier of human sustenance. Although there is still mysticism behind this kind of thinking, although I didn't read philosophy at that time, although there were some vague traditional cognitive concepts at that time, although yoga is a representative exercise of women's weakness in the prejudice of impression, I still secretly rejoice at my own feelings. When the body is only the carrier of the soul, it is necessary to embody the meaning and value of life in the spirit, rather than fully satisfy the joy of the limbs.

To my great surprise, the two bookshelves of two friends are full of books. If there is still a foothold in the messy room that people can stay and enjoy visually, it is here. Those are all books related to programs. They all changed jobs and did software tests, so there are many new things to learn. More than a year ago, all they had was a few textbooks brought out by the university. In addition to the program, there are also some novels about suspense and life. My friend is still looking at Zhouyi excitedly, drawing gossip in his notes, realizing the profound meaning, and persuading me to buy a set of twenty-four histories with him. Even if I don't politely refuse, he knows that I won't read such books. At one time, we all thought that there was enough wisdom hidden in those stories and between the lines. As long as we read them a few times, as long as we could give a reasonable explanation of our own experiences through them, it was enough to make people ecstatic. It was the crystallization of the ancient people's taste of all kinds of herbs. If we could recite a few fragments, it would make people feel that they were the embodiment of the wise. But I don't believe it, and I don't need to provide people with the truth that unknown so is slick enough. Some of them don't see life thoroughly, but they are confused and kind words in a vague sense. Except for absolute dialectics, there is no human dignity, no human value, and some just bury life in the virtual and pretentious.

beginners had better not look.

We are always confident that we will never be confused. We are confident that the ancient country is full of the essence of wisdom and that we have enough ability to extract the essence from it. What we don't see is that the starting point of this supporter is bad enough. It wants to seduce people, it wants to use people's vanity, it wants to satisfy people's curiosity, and even if it is tasted, it will completely ruin a person's exploration of himself. If we don't say that this practice is only the first step for a person to explore his own charm, after all, I am addicted to it in high school and even in college. There are not only Zhouyi, but also Yin and Yang, not only binary, but also Feng Shui.