The weather is too cold, here are some super funny jokes
1 The "new queen" sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change..." The "bookworm" who was reading suddenly raised his head and asked: "Isn't the toilet empty? ”
2.....
3 Once I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us our food. After that, a beggar came up with a bowl and walked up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with me, and he thought it was the waiter who was bringing the food, so he took the rice bowl from the beggar's hand and put it in front of him without looking back. We were all stunned when we saw that beggar, and he even wanted to cry without tears (I beat him to death and never imagined that there would be people competing for jobs)~~~
4 When I was in college, one of my buddies met a beautiful woman on campus. Falling in love at first sight makes you fall in love every day. One day at noon when he and I were going out to eat, the beautiful woman was passing by. My buddy immediately pulled me to follow her. He saw the beautiful woman entering a restaurant, so we sat in too. I advised my buddy: "You are already a senior, hurry up~" So he mustered up the courage, walked forward, suppressed his blush and asked: "Classmate, what is your name?" The beautiful woman looked at my buddy in shock. : "My name is beef noodles." My brother was so stupid at the time, and I burst out laughing!
5 Tongtong asked his mother: "Why do you call Mr. Jiang 'ancestor'?" Mom said: "Because 'ancestor' is a name for the dead."
Tongtong said: "Should those deceased grandmothers be called 'Fresh Milk'?"
6 A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 o'clock in the morning and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class." Come on!" Then two people immediately got up and put on their clothes. I was playing on PC at the time.
7 One night after eating the bitter melon that I hate the most, I said: "XXX (my mother's name), if you ever make me bitter melon again, you will die..." "Maybe it was so loud that my mother who was sleeping in the other pavilion heard it. The next morning she angrily interrogated me... and beat me up... ...It can be said to be playing while hanging...
8 A classmate went horse riding during the day and was still excited at night. Later he fell asleep and we played cards. After a while, this guy Said: Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!!!!!
9 A classmate who likes to smoke while pooping once just came out of the toilet and said loudly to We said: "Ah~~ It feels so good to smoke cigarettes and shit." Crazy Faint
Before 10 years old, the first thing I said when I returned to the dormitory was: "Is there anyone who can call me?" .
Once in 11, I had a quarrel with my roommate in the dormitory. He said he couldn't beat me and beat me and scolded me, "You are my grandfather's son!" "The whole dormitory laughed wildly after a second of silence!
12 When I was a child, I had a stomachache after eating something bad. The next day I wrote a sick note to the teacher: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday and my stomach feels uncomfortable. , I woke up in the morning with diarrhea and vomiting. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.
13 Once when I was eating at home with my cousin, I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissue paper. My cousin hurriedly shouted, "Hurry up, hurry up, go get some toilet paper." Toilet
14's deskmate dropped something on the floor. He bent down to pick it up and stepped on it with his feet. Unexpectedly, he stepped on his hand and he was furious: "How dare you step on my feet?!"
15 When I was in high school, classroom discipline was chaotic. The teacher grabbed XXX in anger and said: XXX, stand on the wall! ~~~~~~~~~~The whole class was freezing~~~
16 There was a time when a foreign teacher showed Mandarin in a large classroom. I wanted to give him face and praise him for speaking Mandarin really well. , but the export became your standard words. It was so ordinary, cold, and people laughed at me.
17 and MM were in front of a stall selling soy milk and fried dough sticks. I shouted: "Boss, I want a piece of fried dough sticks with soy milk." MM burst into laughter.
18 My high school Chinese teacher said during class: You guys are like a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . The whole room burst into laughter!
When I was in the third grade of elementary school at 19, a classmate invited us to dinner for her birthday. When I got home, I said to my mother: "Mom, my classmate is getting married today and invited me to dinner!"
20 There were a lot of people in the restaurant, so I shouted loudly: Boss, please have some chili without seasoning. . . . The waiter also repeated loudly: Table 11, add unseasoned chili! ! ! . . .
21 Me: That’s our physics teacher. . .
Classmate: What do you teach?
Me: Chemistry. . .
Before 22’s mother went out to play mahjong, she said to me: “Put all your clothes in the refrigerator and pick up all the vegetables in the washing machine~~~~~
23 My girl was out shopping! Suddenly she saw a crow flying in the sky, so she said: "Oh, this frog flies so low!" I fainted
24 I always make this mistake...because I talk a lot
Once in junior high school, when I was reading a text, it was XX wandering in the corridor, so I read it as XX is in Lewdness in the corridor...the teacher's face turned red.
When I was in high school, I went out with my classmates. There was a China Everbright Bank next to the school. It had just opened, so there was still a red cloth hanging on the sign... But the cloth was hung on the Chinese characters, blocking the words... ...I pronounced it "Guoguang Bank"... My classmates laughed like crazy, and I couldn't hold my head up for several years!
25 A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much, and then he made a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much wine. ．
On the 26th, I once listened to the radio. It was some kind of shopping guide hotline. When someone called in, the host asked him: "What is your surname?"
He replied: "No surname. Your Majesty!~~~~~"
Buying oranges at 27, the boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.
28 To the grandmother who reacted quickly: You were sitting on the bus that day, and the 252 driver made an emergency brake. You lost your balance and rushed out, and actually asked the driver: "What do you want from me?"
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29 To dear students: Although instructor, I am really busy, but if you see me in the toilet, please don’t say to me: "Instructor, you are so busy and you have to go to the toilet by yourself!"
< p>It was very hot for 30 days, but the school had a power outage. From the day until 10 o'clock in the evening, our girls' dormitory was very quiet at night. Everyone was enjoying the coolness on the balcony, but the boys' dormitory was very lively. After a commotion, the boys seemed to have reached some kind of agreement. When I first met, I heard an organized shouting from the corridor opposite: "Incoming call, incoming call, we need to call!" About 10 minutes later, the school actually called, and there was a burst of cheers from the opposite side, and the dormitory area tended to Calm.It was not until the lights-out time at 11 o'clock in the evening. Because the power outage was too short, the boys began to shout in unison again: "Delay, delay, we have to delay!" The school, which has always been strict, unexpectedly I agreed to the unreasonable request of this group of people and extended the call time for the first time.
Just as we were preparing to take a break, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boy was too excited, because Their two normally impossible requests were actually fulfilled by the school, so... a more organized and powerful voice came from the boys' dormitory opposite:
"Women...women...we want women!!!"
31 If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!
< p>32 A friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said the monitor has a color screen. (Originally I wanted to talk about LCD)A high school classmate of class 33 (a boy) walked into the noodle shop and flipped his hair coolly: "Boss, 2 liang of green onions and no rice noodles!" After that, he added: " Order more rice noodles! "Boss: "... Do you want rice noodles or green onions?" 34. One time, my classmate's mother called me. I'm used to saying "He's not here", but this time what I want to say is "He's gone out"
The result is: "He's... gone"
35. Everyone in high school is issued a name badge. . Before a check-up, the head teacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, everyone, please put on your bras and come for a check-up. . The whole place was silent. . .
36. One time my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly shouted: "Your skin is so good, why do you still use Dabao?"
37. My dormitory A high school classmate of a classmate called and asked who he was looking for. I said he was not here and then said thank you
38. Someone came to my aunt's house as a guest before and she just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "You guys sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"
39. Our unit has a car to pick up and drop off work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, After I got on the bus, there was no seat. A male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her enthusiastically: "So-and-so, sit on my butt!" I kept laughing wildly at that time. Get off the car~!
40. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about an issue. We were at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, he slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid!
41. A buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At lunch time, two people entered a beef ramen restaurant. The girl said loudly to the chef: Hey, give me 2 bowls of ramen~~~ The chef said: Do you want to eat? I poop when I eat.
42. When I was young, the popsicle sellers usually pushed bicycles to sell ice cream. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: The new ice cream is hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)
43 Once the leaders of the Education Bureau inspected recess exercises. After the end, the physical education teacher was supposed to announce the "disbandment", but in a hurry, he forgot the words and choked up. For a long time, I shouted: "Retreat!"
44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan. I was half way up the mountain and was about to take a break when I was tired and saw an Ou buying souvenirs on the roadside. Basang, go up and ask: "My wife..."
45. During self-study, everyone was watching the review, GG said to MM: "I just memorized the vocabulary , help me write it silently.
"MM didn't want to be silent, so GG begged her, please (touch) silence me, (touch) me!! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore, so she shouted, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (touch) silence him, he insisted on me ( Touch) Mo~~~! !
46. One day when I went to a classmate’s house for dinner, her father suddenly came in. He originally wanted to call me uncle, but he said it wrongly: “Dad, come sit down! "~~Han! Most of the classmates were laughing so hard
47. My colleague was arguing with someone, and when he got anxious, he opened his mouth and said, "Do you think I grew up eating? "I've always wondered what he ate when he grew up."
48. When I was in elementary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. When I didn't lend it, he kept stalking me. After that, I exhausted all my strength. She yelled "I won't marry (lend) it to you" with all her strength. At that time, the students immediately became quiet,,,.
49. Once when I asked for a song on KTV, I shouted loudly: Please order me a song called "Double Jay Chou" by Zhou Jiegun...
50. Me I spit on your face!
51 went to work this morning to catch the bus. When we arrived at the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase and shout:
"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!"
At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the car window and rushed at me He said: "Wukong, please stop chasing me."
52 A customer ran into the tailor shop angrily.
Pointing to the fashion designed by the shop owner for him, he said: "I I stood on the corner of the street and yawned, and two people stuffed the letter into my mouth.”
53 This is the first time a primary school student participated in a school recitation competition. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweaty! . It was finally her turn. The primary school student gritted his teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps: Teachers and classmates, the title of my recitation is: The red leaves are crazy (maple)... (the maple leaves are red)
54 Still a Elementary school students are particularly envious when they see their classmates who have been asked by their teachers to read their compositions. They always hope that the teacher will let them read them once too. The opportunity finally came.
So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!
The primary school students stood up and said: "My Teacher". Teacher, I look so much like your mother...
55 this time is the unskilled host of a song and dance troupe.
During a performance, I rushed on stage without preparing properly. The performances proceed in sequence. It was her turn to announce: Audience friends, please listen to the flute playing of Duzi...
56 At home, I often plant green onions in pots in winter to keep them healthy. Fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home during the Chinese New Year, and happily said to my mother: Hey! Mom, this is so thick... My mother and I both laughed.
There is a neighbor in 57 who I call Auntie. She rides a bicycle to work every day. Early in the morning, when I met her at the door, I smiled and said politely: Auntie, the top class... Bah! ...I wanted to bite my tongue off.
58 A certain female classmate was feeling pity for herself one day, and suddenly turned to the person behind her and said: Is my chest hair beautiful? He was startled, and then said: Oh, I wanted to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.
59 When I was a primary school student, I expressed my determination at the school meeting: We must learn the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army who climbed the snowy mountains and climbed the grass. From then on, I was deprived of the right to speak politically for life!
60 When I was a child, my dad told me that there was a text about Liu Hulan in the Chinese language book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she was a prostitute to save the lives of the whole village, an old man came to the rescue. Her line is: Xiao Xiangzi, are you crazy? ! But in the era of ***, a poor rural child read aloud: Little madman, are you fragrant?
61 When I was in high school, my teacher asked my classmate to read the text aloud. This girl was always known for her vivid reading. That day, she also read aloud in a cadence while holding the textbook:
.... ..He stood guard in the blizzard, holding a steel gun tightly in his hand... (original text)
What we heard was...
...He stood guard in the blizzard, holding a pen tightly in his hand...
....The whole class was silent for a while, and the teacher laughed. Fell, and then the classmates fell...
62 Everyone stand up! Play the national flag, raise the national anthem...
63 I took my son to feed the ducks. He was spreading breadcrumbs to the ducks while chasing the ducks around, and I was chasing him with his apples (he didn't like to eat them, so I could only give him a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him: Come here, take a bite of the apple, and then chase the duck! I kept repeating this sentence, and I finally shouted loudly: Come and have a bite of duck... and then very cleverly stopped the brake.
64 I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it was mentioned that the author turned around a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in the mountain. One of my female classmates also expressed emotion when reading it aloud. Thoughts: Turning around the mountain, I was shocked to see a rag hanging on the mountain. . . The whole class was shocked.
65 There is also a sentence taken from a novel by a Russian writer: The houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: The houses here belong to gentlemen. As soon as he finished speaking, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do all these old ladies live?
The most classic thing about 66 is that I once watched Dou Wentao talk about the embarrassing things he did when he first became a host. He never mentioned that the opening ceremony ended with the curtain call... The thing that pissed me off the most was that he said that he once hosted a During the Taiwanese party, he walked up calmly and said affectionately: Friends, have you ever seen the Yellow River? Do you know that it is our mother river~~
After an affectionate introduction to the Yellow River, he said: Now please listen to "Song of the Yangtze River"
67. Once I was driving , the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked: "Why are you driving without a condom?"
68. When I went home on the weekend, I got addicted to cigarettes after dinner, so I planned to use it as an excuse to go for a walk. When I was changing my shoes at the door, my dad asked me why I was going there. I said: "Go and smoke!". As a result, my father found a bag of white generals from my body and beat me severely.
In 69, I was in computer class, and a classmate had a problem with his machine, so he shouted, "Boss, change the machine!"
70 I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, and it was finally my turn. Can't wait to say: "Give me two rollers!". Unexpectedly, the waiter said loudly to me: "Two rollers, four yuan!".
71 I met a girl I had admired for a long time coming out of the bathhouse. I wanted to get close to her, so I held it in for a long time and said: "You are taking a bath, are there many men in there?".
72 There was a mahjong teacher who stayed up all night. When he saw that the blackboard was not wiped, he was furious: "Who is playing banker today? The blackboard was not wiped!".
73 was left to do homework by the teacher. If he didn’t know how to do it, he copied other people’s homework. Then he went to the office to hand in the homework, and when he saw the teacher, he said: “I’ve finished copying!”.
74 A certain gentleman was very nervous on the day he took the driver’s license test. The examiner gave him a hard time and asked him to stop at a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This guy said nervously: "Report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the roadside, parking is not allowed!".
When 75 Kende Chicken first came out with the hot chicken popcorn, an old lady ran over and said to the waiter: "Here comes the hot chicken." She laughed till she died~~~~
76 In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted: "Teacher, help me turn on the cheating device."
In the future, in memory of him, we always shouted to the teacher in physical education class: "Network administrator" ! He’s using a cheating device!”
Buying oranges at 77, the boss said: One yuan and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.
78 Eat in one day. . .
"Rice, why hasn't my lady come yet? Hurry up"
79. Just now I was eating a cream cake while reading this post, and the gg next to me suddenly said, you eat like this Doudou, can you make cream without it? . . Severe cold
80 In the Internet cafe, I was thinking about getting off the plane, but I wanted to pay the bill, so I shouted: "Boss, check out the plane!"
81 .Junior high school art evening, question-and-answer session
Female host: "Everyone, be careful, don't rush too fast. Wait until I finish speaking and start raising your hands."
Then he started to read the questions, Said, "Open now..."
At this time, a contestant rushed to answer.
The host said, "This classmate is a little too anxious. My 'shi' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you snatch it away?"
The whole audience was laughing. :)
82 Xi’an calls rice rice. When a classmate came back from Xi’an, he entered the restaurant and shouted: “Boss, bring me a bowl of rice!” Boss Han!
83 After finishing the meal, he shouted, "Network administrator, check out!"
84. One day, a friend went to KFC, and the salesperson smiled and asked what he wanted. The friend said: Give it to me. Let’s have a Spanish chicken roll!
At a cultural evening party in 1985, the host came to the stage to announce: Please enjoy the following, Xinjiang song and dance - lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !
In the 86 math class, the teacher asked someone to give an example of two parallel faces. Yisheng answered: "Table." Just as the teacher was about to say it, she added: "And a drawer...a table with drawers."
"The whole class laughed
Another person didn't hear clearly and asked the person next to him. The person said: "She just said a drawer with a table"...and laughed again
If there is a Xiao Ming is the driver of the car. Xiao Hua sits on his right and Xiao Hua sits behind him. Whose car does this car belong to?
Answer: Yes
Your smile , wolves hang themselves; when you bark, chickens fly and dogs jump; when you stand, the stink fills the air; when you sweat, lice are a disaster; if you don’t dress up, you are uglier than ghosts; when you dress up, ghosts are scared and paralyzed.
What will a unicorn turn into when it flies to the North Pole---ice cream (ice unicorn)
A wolf came to the North Pole and accidentally fell into the ice sea. When it was picked up, it turned into What? ---Betel Nut (Ice Wolf)