Selected 70 jokes.
I remember once again that on my way home, I experienced countless times * *! A group of hair salon girls waved to me, but I turned a blind eye; A group of pedicure girls threw eyebrows at me, and I was indifferent; A beggar disciple asked me for help, and I looked at him coldly! I sighed deeply at this colorful world. I wish I had money in my fucking pocket! ?
3. Honey, do you know? You have lost a lot of weight recently! I see it in my eyes, but it hurts in my heart. It's almost the Spring Festival, but your health is worrying. Who doesn't want their pigs to kill a few kilograms more?
4. What is the most mysterious part of a person? It's a man's chest. You never know what it can be used for! God replied: men's breasts are a limit, tell women not to be too small.
5. Three cowards walk at night. A asks B:? Afraid of ghosts? ? B said:? Afraid. ? A asked c again:? Afraid of ghosts? ? C also said:? Afraid. ? A said:? It doesn't matter, I'm not afraid. One of you walks in front of me, the other walks behind me, and I will protect you both in the middle! ?
6. A buddy's daughter-in-law gave birth to a baby in the hospital. He waited anxiously outside the door. An hour later, the nurse came out and said happily to him. Congratulations, you're a father. You are going to be a son! ? My buddy shouted excitedly at that time: hahaha, I am finally a son! ? I was so shocked that I could only pretend that I didn't know them.
7. I know you pay attention to hygiene. Wash your hands carefully every time you go to the toilet. Suddenly you stopped washing your hands. I'm surprised: why don't you wash your hands? You answer:? I brought paper this time! ?
8. A friend visited a painter's studio, and he reached out and touched a work. The painter shouted angrily:? Watch out! Can't you see that this painting is still dry? ? The friend replied:? It's okay. I am wearing gloves. ?
9. I played online games in the Internet cafe, ran out of money, and was about to get off the plane and leave. I found 20 yuan. I gave it to the stationmaster, who took the money and nodded to me. I am happy to say: No.6 plus 20 yuan. ?
10, Big Brother got a heavy automatic rifle at home. Whenever eldest sister-in-law loses her temper, eldest brother always cleans the gun without saying anything. Sister-in-law turned pale with fear, and a civil war ended before it started. I can't help but ask my eldest brother: is my sister-in-law afraid that you will kill her? ? Big brother is very proud. He said, no, she's afraid of me. ?
1 1, I saw you that day. You are very uncomfortable sitting in the sun. I asked you what you were doing, and you smiled mysteriously: keep your voice down, and no one will call me an idiot when I get tanned!
12, a colleague of mine has been riding a motorcycle. One day, I suddenly went to work by bike and asked him if it was my temporary wife's car. Another colleague next to him lamented that you are really cruel. The person who rides her at night should ride her car during the day.
13. Today, I asked my colleague if he was tall or short. He said that a tall man can clearly see a woman's chest, and a short man can clearly see the inside of a woman. Is that woman tall or short? Colleagues laughed and said, tall women can't see the bottom of your chest, and short men can't see your inside.
14, working in a factory, I was smoking that day, and the master saw it and said that there was no money to smoke so much, which was a waste! I said: I don't want to live long because I have no money. The master pondered for a while: Come, give me one!
15, Zheng sent a Weibo, suggesting that you use the way of residence+constellation+zodiac to identify yourself. For example, I am Yueyang cancer mouse. Then someone below replied weakly:? Come on, I'm Kaifeng chicken. ?
16, working again? I have told you more than once not to work so hard and pay attention to your health. But you always say meaningfully:? If I don't roll more dung balls while the weather is warm, what will I eat in winter! ?
17, my friend's daughter-in-law said that my friend drank too much in winter? Knocking at the door doubtfully, the daughter-in-law opened the door to see him drunk and said angrily? Wrong door? The friend turned and went downstairs. His daughter-in-law squatted on the window and watched him sit downstairs. Afraid of freezing, she went downstairs to call him. Seeing her daughter-in-law crying, she was very wronged. I was drunk and went to the wrong door, and an ugly old lady kicked me out.
18, two African couples are quarreling. The husband said, Skippy! ? The wife said: Kuwani! ? Husband said: Topeka, Angie, the bottom of the building is dark and wide! ? At this time, the wife has knelt down and pleaded: Mimi has no land, and the Dalai Lama Hall has no land! ? Husband thundered:? China, listen to black-bone chicken! ? And you, like 2B, have been reading until now, as if you really understand African dialects.
19, a complaint came down from the class, which was a county grandfather horse. ? Any complaints? ? Sir, I lost a cow. ? When did you lose it? ? I lost it tomorrow. ? Hearing this, the magistrate was furious and dumbfounded. Asshole! I lost it tomorrow. Why didn't you complain yesterday? 1 The chief stood by and couldn't help laughing. The county magistrate is even more popular: bold, you must have stolen this cow. 1 The official was startled, untied and his brain was wide open. Sir, I dare not. I don't believe you. ?
20. A girl walked into a bar and said to the owner. You pay 200 yuan, and I will do anything for you. ? The shopkeeper said:? Ok, you paint the walls here. ?
2 1, it is said that women are a disaster. Why do men still like women, especially women with big breasts? Because every dark cloud has a silver lining, everyone is lucky.
22. When someone passed by the cemetery and heard a knock at the door, he squatted down to look at someone, so he was relieved and asked, why? A:? They carved my tombstone wrong and are changing it! ?
When I first met you, I felt that I had known you for a long time. I have never said anything so certain. You may not believe it, but it's true. Do you really look like my home? Lost pig!
24. Does the Chinese teacher let the students use it? But? But? Make sentences and explain: Are these two words turning conjunctions? But? Is it a small turn, like a small turn? But? This is a big turn, just like a big turn. ? Some students immediately said:? How many times do I have to transfer from home to school? But? How many times do I have to transfer to my grandmother's house? But? . ?
25. Please don't look down and turn it off. There is really nothing to see. Come on, do you really want to see it? No regrets? Okay, you asked for it yourself, okay? You are a pig!
On 26th, the police received a phone call from the masses, saying that there were two * * under Zhongshan Bridge. The police from the General Administration and bomb squad went to the scene and found a red cloth bag under the bridge. The expert carefully opened the cloth bag, which contained several layers of newspaper parcels. The police opened it layer by layer and finally found that it was really two big ones: four twos and a pair of kings? * * said to seriously investigate the responsibility of the police!
27. The landlord is the eighth grade class teacher. The night before yesterday, I adjusted my seat and found a boy sobbing. Calling him outside to ask why, he cried with a look of injustice and said, let me sit with girls again, let me sit among girls, and there are three girls at once? Well, after all, I am still a child, and I don't know when I will be lucky.
28. A girl has a crush on her. But he has been afraid to confess, and his colleagues decided to help him take the first step after knowing it. So I dragged him to the intersection and waited for the girl. Soon, the girl appeared, and with the encouragement of his colleagues, he finally got up the courage to stop the girl. As soon as he was embarrassed, he shouted, Miss, please come with me to the police station!
29. All of them? I'm kidding, okay? Must be serious; All of them? I don't understand, okay? In fact, I still have a little understanding; Like this every time? I don't care? There is a little care behind it; Like this every time? Am I okay? There is still a little pain behind; Every word? Can you do it? There are still many concerns behind it; Every word? I can. Actually, I'm still a little timid.
30. The tortoise and the rabbit race, and the pig is the referee. Do you think the tortoise runs fast or the rabbit runs fast? When I came home one day, four children were making noise. Ma 'am, glad to see me back? You finally came back? I am also happy to think that the children are afraid of me. Who knows the wife went on to say: only you are obedient and good at home! Why don't you buy me a bag of salt?
One day, the swan said to the toad, if I grew up like you, I would have died. Toad said: The pig is still alive and well. Hearing this, the pig on the side said angrily, I'm watching a joke. I've angered anyone I recruited.
32. A couple loves durian, but they are afraid to smoke durian to their five-year-old son, so they hide in the kitchen to eat durian. At this time, the five-year-old son pushed open the door and shouted, Well, you are eating shit behind my back.
33. A roommate is preparing for a formal exam. After reading it, he will say:? Why did you write all the questions in this exam? Astronomy, geography, human history. ? Another roommate came leisurely: People don't have a wide range of knowledge when they talk at work. Who will suddenly become speechless when talking to you?
34、? I have a crush on a girl, but I don't understand her shortcomings. ? Oh, talk to her best friend and praise her perfection, and then you will know all her shortcomings. ?
35. If I leave in autumn, I will wait for you in the snow; If the world goes, I will love you in heaven; If I leave, I will let her take care of you. Really, her pig-raising skills are not bad!
36. A woman complained in class that her cat was too cheap. When she wants to play with it, it doesn't look at itself. If she doesn't want to play with it, it will stick to people. A friend of hers floated silently: I think you are also quite cheap. You pester the cat when it doesn't want to play with you, and you stop playing when it wants to play with you?
37. The hungry lion approached the sleeping cow. At this time, the cow suddenly farted and released the mushrooms in the grass. The lion was dumbfounded and fled wildly, exclaiming: mushroom cloud ~ ~?
38. Listen! I want to chase you! I thought you were! I have been looking for you! I will seize this opportunity! I must catch up with you! Dead flies!
39. In a question and answer session, the host asked: I want to ask you what you use less and others use more. ? Xiao Ming quickly rang the doorbell, grabbed the first place, and stood up to answer? Wife! ? ,? Wow! ? The audience was amazed. Xiao Ming looked around and watched the stunned crowd proudly sit back in their original positions, deeply impressed by his wit!
40. Honey, I miss you again. My love for you is increasing sharply every day, because someone told me that pork has gone up in price, so you can get a good price!
4 1, don't get drunk again. Yesterday, someone saw you chasing a pig with a glass and shouted, Isn't that right, brother? Brother did it! ?
42. I went to KFC for breakfast and asked for a poached egg, but the result had to wait. Just wait. Five minutes later, the waiter came up to me with an egg and asked, "How many eggs do you have, sir?" ? I fucking crustily skin of head back:? I have an egg? ! ?
43. All the cocks ran after the hen. The cocks' eyes were red and silent, and the hen was heartbroken. Newly married, hen: You are so cool. Why didn't you scream? Rooster: Drink too much that day? Afraid of vomiting.
44. A female colleague is quite fat. One day, she asked me why people nowadays regard thinness as beauty. Is it bad to be fat? I said, how could it not be? The so-called fat covers up all ugliness. When people find you fat, they don't care whether you are ugly or not.
45. A drop of water is very small in the ocean and very large in the desert; Red-crowned cranes are small in cranes and large in chickens; You are small in the crowd and great in the pigsty!
46. I saw a boy eating chocolate desperately at the subway station. After a while, I said to the boy, son, eating too much chocolate is bad for your health. The boy gave me a contemptuous look and said, my great-grandfather is 103 years old this year. Do you know why? I asked curiously: Why? Because of eating this? The boy replied that he never meddled.
47. Last night, the whole company worked overtime and suddenly there was no electricity. Upon inspection, the fuse was blown. I know something about electricity. The boss asked me to fix it, and a girl was using her mobile phone to light the lights. When everyone in the company was waiting quietly, the daughter-in-law called. At first she was still caring and attentive, and then she suddenly asked, why is it so quiet? At this time, my sister spoke: do it quickly, my hands are sore.
48. The elephant said to a little mouse. You are the smallest and most useless thing I have ever seen. ? Hearing this, the little mouse quickly said, Wait, say it again. I want to tell fleas when I sleep at night. ?
49. You ask your sister for her phone number. If you think the phone number her sister gave you is fake, you can change a few numbers and look at it again. If her sister corrects you, the number is true!
50. There are some things you should know! Days are used for windy and rainy days; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I was used to prove the greatness of mankind. And you: it's used to stew vermicelli. ! ?
My friend is proud of having six children. He often calls his wife the mother of six children, no matter how unhappy she is. But once, his wife made him change his mind. At a party that day, he said to his wife at a volume that everyone could hear: Are you ready? We're leaving, mother of six. The wife replied, ready, father of four.
52. Raising a son is like playing online games. Building a number is like being born, and then working hard every day, just for by going up one flight of stairs one year later. It's hard to rise to more than 20 levels, and the equipment is strong. I can handle BOSS alone. As a result, my daughter-in-law stole the number and never found it again.
I went to my father-in-law's house for a few days. I haven't had sex with my wife for a long time. It happened that the old couple went out today and wanted to borrow a condom from their wife xo. Brother-in-law: Brother-in-law, are you telling me that you are going to fuck my sister and let me go out?
54. God said to grant me a wish. I said I want world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. I took out your photo and said to make this person more beautiful. He pondered, and said, Bring me a globe, and let me have a look! ?
55. The crime scene was terrible, and the murderer was extremely cruel. Xiao Wang, an inexperienced trainee policeman, has weak legs, because he never expected to come to perform the task for the first time, and he was also responsible for the policeman Li who was in a coma.
56. Two sharks were chatting in the sea. One shark said, Let's not bite someone diving in the future? Another shark asked:? So what should we do? ? Let's grab that thing he's wearing from his head, so that we can wear it ashore to play. ?
57. A candied haws seller came to the village. The child wanted to eat it very much, so he said to the vendor. If you give me candied haws to eat, I will bark at you like a turtle, okay? ? The peddler had never heard of turtles, so he agreed. After eating the candied haws, the stall owner urged him to call quickly. He wiped his mouth and shouted? Sell ~ ~ candied haws ~ ~ come ~ ~? As a result, he was chased by vendors in the village all afternoon.
58. The day we broke up was April Fool's Day, so I always thought she was joking, and I was willing to let her joke for a month. From the day we broke up, I bought a can of canned pineapple that expired in May 1 every day, because pineapple is the favorite in May, and May 1 is my birthday. I told myself that when I bought 30 cans, if she didn't come back, the relationship would expire.
59. Grandma keeps a dog and names it? Haha? . One day, the dog disappeared, and grandma was very anxious, so she searched the whole yard and shouted while looking for it? Ha ha! Haha? ! Ha ~ ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha?
60. In those days, we walked quietly on the path in our hometown, and you bowed your head shyly. When the villagers saw us, they all praised you: Oh, it's so beautiful and clean! Also praised me: good boy, come out to release pigs at such a young age! ?
6 1、? Boss, is your melon sweet? Why doesn't this melon seller talk? Other people's melons are sweet, and they don't need money if they are not sweet! Say something! ? Raul, have you ever seen bitter gourd is sweet? ?
62. I am a lonely tree. I have been standing on the side of the road for thousands of years, waiting for loneliness, just because one day you pass by me, I will fall in love with you. If I don't hit you, it's for nothing.
63. You will travel to other places soon. A sincere friend will see you off. The cold wind cannot stop our friendship. I hold your hand and say: reform well and try to reduce the sentence! ?
64. My brother's confession experience:? I like you. Would you like to stay with me? Needless to say, smile happily. If you don't want to, just dig a booger for me. ? Poof. ? Success!
In order to find a suitable land for planting hybrid rice, a professor visited many places. One day, he found a satisfactory land. After excavation and inspection, he found that the ground was not soil, but rocks. He sighed and said sadly to his assistant behind him. Unfortunately, it's not mud. ? The assistant paused:? Accompany me to the end. ?
66. The classmate said that Xiao Ming's face looks like a * *. Hearing this, Xiao Ming ran away in tears. He saw a well, so he put his head in it to see if his face really looked like a * *. As a result, as soon as he arrived at the well, he heard the uncle who repaired the pipeline shouting: Son of a bitch, if you dare to shit, you are dead!
67. The defendant made a promise to his defense lawyer. If you have the ability to put me in prison for only half a year, then you will get an extra $65,438 +0 ooo. ? As a result, he finally got what he wanted, and the lawyer said while collecting money. This is really a hard job. The judges hope to be acquitted. ?
68. The rabbit said to the tortoise. Brother Tortoise, we have a race today to see who goes home first. ? The tortoise readily agreed: Ok, are you ready? ? Are you ready? The rabbit made a sprint and issued an instruction: Go! ? The tortoise is decisive and timid. The rabbit that just rushed out stopped at once and asked sharply, what's wrong with you? ? The voice of the head jar voice jar spirit came out: I went home and won, yeah! ?
69. Some people say you are a pig! I seriously criticized him! How is that possible? How can people tell what they look like? Monitor: What is the purpose of your martial arts? A Qiang: To stay healthy! Brother Meng: Serve the country! Private: in order to crack the female self-defense.
70. Last time, in order to meet the inspection in the district, I worked with the leader. The leader asked me what the child's name was. I call myself Wang, and I said without thinking, men scream and women scream.