Sad July
Now that I think about it, everything actually happens for a reason. In the worst months of the epidemic, he experienced the stimulation of being ordered by his wife to clean up and leave home for more than 20 years, only because he began to show some symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. I accompanied him to the hospital for examination. In the doctor's questions, he just can't count, but he can still express clearly and respond to the doctor's questions easily. The day after I went to the hospital, two people in their 80s couldn't get along. My mother resolutely took him home to take care of him, but it became the beginning of a nightmare. Young couples always come, but the ancients didn't bully me! After leaving his wife for more than 20 years, Huang must be very upset, disappointed and even painful. But as a family, we only felt annoyed at that time, but never thought that the change of environment would cause too much sadness. He refused to live with his daughter, so I took him back to my house, thinking that he might be happier with his children, but he couldn't. He can't adapt to the apartment building and can't find the bathroom. This strange environment drives him crazy. He will go back to take care of his so-called wife, the old lady who abandoned him like our shoes. He was afraid that without him, the old lady would not be able to buy food, cook or bask in the sun. I have some hesitation. I have always respected his wishes, because the basis of understanding each other is to let them choose and be the most reliable backing of each other. I want him to be willful to the end. However, a slap in the face is a slap. When I picked up the phone, the old lady told me to get his other things. Twenty-three years of old company, in exchange for just a broken burden.
At this point, he was completely heartbroken. Within two or three days, his brain deteriorated so badly that he could not stay at home alone, and finally he chose to send him to a nursing home.
In this way, from March to early July, I went to the nursing home to accompany him the next day. He likes to eat assorted canned food, drink tea, eat burnt donkey meat and sleep with the TV on. I love picking his ears and feel particularly fulfilled. I accompany him to the hospital to change the catheter once a month. I read a lot about brain degeneration. When I know that my average life expectancy is 5- 10 years old, I especially cherish every moment together. I think, in this way, I can accompany him for a long time. After all, an 80-year-old man still has brain degeneration and a few years to live, which is a good thing. However, I overlooked a serious problem for me. He will call me, and when he sees me at the gate, he will know that I am coming, and even know my car. However, he never called my name. In fact, he doesn't remember that I am my favorite baby. He remembers my mother and my children, but not me. One day, while waiting in the hospital to change the catheter, he took my hand and said to me with a smile on his mouth, look at that little girl in front of me, isn't she like our little ray? I suddenly burst into tears, so who am I? What am I doing? Suddenly, I thought that the sunset time of five to ten years collapsed at this moment, and my fate with him came to an abrupt end in silence. After sending him back, I sat in the car and cried, that's all. Although I know he has me in his heart, he just doesn't know this around him. I am his favorite baby. I am constantly adjusting my mentality, constantly giving myself psychological counseling, and thinking about taking my time. After all, I can still be with him, and he regards me as his family.
However, bad luck suddenly came. In the last week of June, his urine bag was a little bloodshot. At first, the medical staff thought that there was inflammation between the urinary catheter and the skin in hot weather, so he began to diminish inflammation and stop bleeding. A few days later, the bleeding was intermittent, so I accompanied him to the hospital for a comprehensive examination. Bladder occupies a space, 7X8 cm, which almost occupies the whole bladder. In front of him, I didn't dare to cry. I calmly accompanied him to have a check-up, took the report, sent him back, took him to eat his favorite donkey meat and burned it. I can't cry, crying is giving up, there is no hope. Consult a doctor, there are good people to help all the way, but there is nothing I can do. The two of us walked into the cancer hospital hand in hand. He can also walk, chat and even chat with the old man in the bed next to him. But the bleeding didn't stop, and he quickly became thin and weak. We tried blood transfusion, examined the heart and other organs, and wanted to consult if we could do total resection. But his brain degeneration made him unable to cope with anesthesia and surgery. At this point, only waiting for hospice care. Wait for what? Waiting to die. Death seems to be an instant thing, but the process is incomparable. Due to the epidemic situation, only family members who have done nucleic acid can accompany them, and only one family member can accompany them. I didn't sleep or feel tired for the first 36 hours. The most difficult thing today is to have a physical examination all the time and make the biggest decision according to each scale. The outflow of blood is mixed with flocculent blood clots or ulcerated cells. The catheter must be constantly pressurized to keep it open. If it is blocked by a blood clot, it will hurt, make trouble and suppress badly. I sat by the bed and kept pressing the catheter. Even so, when you encounter a big blood clot, you still have to call a doctor to help flush the salt water. I watched him lose weight day by day. The last thing he wants is to burn donkey meat. He ate a whole fire and was very happy. Then I stopped eating.
On the day of giving up treatment, we moved back to the hospital near home, and my mother and I spent the last days with him. When he is sober, he will ask my mother to prepare clothes for him. That's a whole set made by my mother ten years ago. He needs to prepare for his seventieth birthday, saying it's a blessing to prolong his life. In fact, he is not afraid of death, but used to fighting. Before, he told me that he was not afraid of anything. He lived well when he was alive, and died when he died. In the last few days, he couldn't speak, but his eyes were still sharp. When I was with him, I got a call from work. During the conversation, his words were slightly serious and sharp, and he gave me a thumbs-up sign. Hehe, is it a compliment or an irony? He always wanted me to be quiet and refined, not strong and strict.
In July of that year, due to long-term lack of sleep and mental stress, migraine could not be alleviated, and I lived on painkillers every day. Last night, when I used to brush his body first, I suddenly felt that he recognized me and his eyes were clear. I chatted with him while wiping. Although he can't answer, I know he can understand. He was particularly sober that day. I told him that I am here, don't fight, don't worry, don't be afraid. All the people who come to pick you up are Buddhas and Bodhisattvas! I am a Buddhist. In my belief, he needs to relax, let go and let go of his persistence at this time. I stayed up all night. Accompanied by his breathing, I feel that the night is short, not hot and breezy. It soon got a little brighter. I changed a bottle of salt water, and then leaned against the quilt to watch my mobile phone. Suddenly, I heard the nurse walking in the corridor, only to find that I was asleep. In less than 2 minutes, the phone was still on, and the automatic black screen didn't arrive for 5 minutes. I turned to look at him again and left quietly. I held his gentle hand, looked at the ceiling and said to him, don't be afraid, I'm here, I'll handle it, and you follow the Buddha and Bodhisattva all the way. I called my mother, and I just stood there waiting for her to come. Then we wipe our bodies, change clothes and go through the formalities together. My mother is better than me, taking care of everything step by step. The hearse has come and gone. I went home, took a shower, changed clothes and bought a cup of coffee, and then I went to do the rest.
? Numbness may be the only feeling at that time.
? After that, I lost him forever, the man who loved me the most. From then on, I lost my coquetry capital and no one helped me. He taught me flowers, birds, fish and insects, and he took me to eat, drink and be merry. When I was a child, I was his pride and hung me around my neck everywhere. I itch when I have teeth, and he makes me bite his arm and grind my teeth. I went to school early and came home late, and he came to pick me up by bike; When I was old enough to make friends, he didn't trust me to go out to play, so he asked me to take my friend home and he cooked for us. He gave me pocket money for the whole high school period; After eight years in Germany, I want to return to China, and he supports me. I want to get married, but my family doesn't agree, but he supports it; I had hypoglycemia during pregnancy, and he found a remedy to treat me; Every time I have a bad headache, he helps me massage and dredge it. When I had a splitting headache, my mother said, you don't have a headache, you just miss your grandfather, and it doesn't hurt when you see your grandfather. Well, it seems so.
? He taught me to be honest with others and love life; He taught me to study hard and live up to my youth; He taught me physical exercise and folk medicine; He taught me how to love others, love myself and be a happy person. But he doesn't know that since he left, I have no happiness and I am often worried and afraid. He is not a father, but he loves me for thirty-six years instead of his father; He is not even related to me, but he has regarded me as the apple of his eye since he was a child. He cultivated all my hobbies. If I have a little compassion and kindness, it is also given by him.
Clearly know, the cycle of heaven, the cycle of life and death, but it is still difficult to level! ?
? 202 1.7 anniversary.