My mother went to a place called heaven. The mountains and rivers of her hometown are still there, but the smell of home is gone.

How many searches, how many tortures, what is nostalgia? Some people say that nostalgia is time and space that cannot be returned, and it is the return of traveling through mountains and rivers. Some people also say that nostalgia is the feeling of people and things that can never be found again and will never be seen again. When I say nostalgia, I mean a place where I tried every means to leave when I was a child, and when I grow up, I try every means to go back to a place. The tree is a thousand feet tall, and its leaves fall back to their roots. In fact, nostalgia is a kind of memory, longing, concern and attachment that everyone has for their birthplace. Nostalgia is a silent temptation and a complex that cannot be let go. Nostalgia is a bowl of clear water and a cup of bitter wine. Nostalgia is a floating cloud and a lifetime of tenderness. Nostalgia is the bond between my mother and I in this life. Nostalgia is not only the attraction of place, but also a kind of emotional entanglement for my mother. Nostalgia will never change, love will not change, and missing my mother will always hurt me, and it will never change.

Xulou Village is my hometown, my roots, and the home where my relatives watch. Every time I went home, my big yellow dog would chase me all the way to get close to me and lead the way. My parents were already standing at the door watching the wanderer return. My mother was busy boiling tea, getting peanuts, boiling eggs, and running around for me. My mother's rough hands pulled me, and I couldn't finish my words or my feelings. Steaming home-cooked meals, this is the taste of mother, the taste of home, the taste of reunion after a long absence. Nowadays, the mountains and rivers of my hometown are still there, but the voice of the watchful mother is missing. Everything can only be found in dreams.

1

My mother died at the age of 85 (1936-2021). On the tenth day of the first lunar month in 2021 (February 21 of the Gregorian calendar), she suddenly passed away and went to heaven. Went there to meet her parents. My mother didn't discuss it with me when she left, she left in a hurry without saying goodbye. She is the one who listens to me the most. I don’t know what happened this time. I haven’t promised her yet. Why did I leave? Why? Maybe she misses her dead relatives, so there are her thoughts there. Or maybe when she was alive, we juniors were not filial enough and made her angry.

For this reason, I asked the Buddha, and the Buddha said: "Your brother is a filial son, you are a filial son, and your sister is a filial son. It was my mother who voluntarily saved her." When my mother was alive, she had followed her more than once. I said that Luo Ye would eventually return to his roots, and she wanted to see her relatives. With such an infatuated, loving and righteous mother, even if she passes away, we will have no regrets.

To sum up my mother’s life, her kindness is greater than mountains. Although ordinary, usually doing trivial things such as firewood, rice, oil, salt, soy sauce, vinegar and other trivial things in life, for the sake of children and grandchildren, he has toiled and worked all his life, and he is also willing to endure hardship and sacrifice for his whole life.

My mother has four children, two sons and two daughters, and a house full of children and grandchildren. During the famine in 1959, when my hometown suffered a natural disaster and my whole family starved to death, my mother did not abandon my brother. Even though my brother was as skinny as a stick, dying of breath, and could no longer walk, my mother held my brother in her arms, burned the bark and withered grass on the fire, fed him alive, and saved his life. My brother’s life was given by his mother. In the winter of 1976, I fell seriously ill, and my mother took me everywhere to seek medical treatment. My life was also given by her. In the autumn of 1978, a plague broke out among children in the village, and many children died. The whole village was horrified and overwhelmed, and the whole village was wailing. I was so frightened that I lost my mind. My eldest sister got sick, and there was blood coming from her mouth and nose. My mother ran to the movie set. He used a loudspeaker to call the doctor. It was raining heavily and he was rushed to the hospital in time. My eldest sister's life was also given by her mother. My mother is a very remarkable person, she has saved the lives of many children.

My mother has lived with me for 19 years, from when I was a platoon leader to when I was promoted to an officer in the Brigade Political Department. To be precise, my mother has served me for 19 years. She is responsible for my cooking, laundry and other housework. After I changed my career, my mother stayed with me for another 4 or 5 years, but she still worried about me. My mother is a hard-working woman who lives alone. My father, Jiang Hanchao, has been ill for a long time and cannot work in the fields. All the dirty work falls on my mother.

My mother has been with me for 19 years and has had three major surgeries. Before the gallbladder removal operation in midsummer, my mother was in terrible pain and rolled on the ground. I was discouraged and hoped that she would be released soon so that she would not suffer any more pain.

I grinned: "Mom, is it true?" Mom, you are so kind! "Looking back now, I still feel like I'm in a dream. I wanted to call her "Mother", but no one agreed.

When my mother was alive, she loved me the most. I remember the summer when I was admitted to the military academy. When my mother found out, she was very happy. That year, there were no eggs at home, and there was no big fish or meat to reward me, so she had to cook two tomatoes as a reward for me. I laughed, but my mother cried. He is my mother's pet peeve, so why shouldn't I care about him? My mother said that my brother is also a good person, but his education is a bit shallow. But my mother is very satisfied with my brother and often tells me: "Your brother is not a simple person." , always filial and kind-hearted. It has nothing to do with academic qualifications, but to do with pretending to be a mother. "I'm lucky to have a good brother and a good sister. Brothers and sisters talk about everything. Brother and brother are like brothers. Isn't that right? During the holidays, my brother and sister-in-law would send my nephew to visit my mother every three days with his things, and my mother felt sad in her heart. I always feel sorry.

This shows that my mother has the greatest credit. My younger sister transferred her household registration to find a job, her two nephews became soldiers and became sergeants, and arranged their jobs. My eldest sister planned to have children, etc. It was all my mother's fault. Let me take care of it, you can imagine how important my mother is in the hearts of my relatives.

When my mother was alive, she still fought with me to learn to ride a tricycle. However, my mother had Alzheimer's disease and she didn't know how to brake. Suddenly, I rode the tricycle into the woods. I smiled happily. I was bored. The 83-year-old woman also laughed like a little girl: "It's not fun!" "To tell the truth, when I am with my mother, we are actually having fun, and my mother often laughs. Although I quarrel and bicker with my mother, it is all superficial, not real, just pretending to others, because My love for my mother is often hidden, cunning, and humorous.

I remember that my mother is over 80 years old, but she has no wrinkles on her forehead and very few wrinkles on her face. It better shows that my mother is living a happy life. Whenever I sit on the grass in front of the door and cut my nails or wash my hair, I joke and say: "You must have been a girl when you were a girl." Beautiful girl, there are many young men vying to marry you! My mother giggled loudly. After she laughed, she scolded me again: "You devil, get out of here. You are not allowed to make fun of me. I am your own mother." "My mother laughs and I laugh too. There is love hidden in the laughter.

Slowly wandering in the memories, looking for the bits and pieces left by my mother, but I don't want to delete those memories of my mother. Then It's not a diary. It can't be torn up or burned. What can't be changed is the longing for my mother. However, everything is in the past. I have lost the happiest mother in the world. I waved my hands and cried, feeling uncomfortable and sad. Ah!

Three

There is no sleep tonight, the stars and the moon are reincarnated, and my mother is lying in the coffin.

In the silent night of rain, let me. Standing quietly by the window, looking at the distant sky, the place called heaven. Let me call you softly again, and I will never agree to my mother. Let me weave the rain in the sky into a piece again. There will never be a face that smiles at me again in this life. Is the sound of the rain coming slowly and slowly at that time, is it my mother whispering my baby name in the distant heaven? The sound is filled with the bitterness of missing my mother. The words contained the helpless melancholy towards my mother. I stretched my hand out of the dark window, hoping to hold something in my hands in the cold wind. The corner of the cloth? Or stroking the ends of my mother's silvery hair in the cool rain? But in the end, I couldn't hold anything except the coldness and wetness of my hand.

The cold rain and wind. , dripping, floating, blowing, and still blowing through the window lattice. I don't know how many lives, with beautiful regrets, will come to an abrupt end in such a rainy night. , it will break at the touch of it. Life is unpredictable and far away.

And am I not on the road to the end of my life? Aren't I just on my way to the paradise where I have a mother, getting closer and closer?

From time to time a drop of rain falls from the gloomy sky, as if crying, or like dewdrops that are usually missed, falling on this unknown field road, reminding me of my mother’s familiar but unfamiliar His face, and his discerning eyes. Although she no longer had the spirit of her youth, nor her piercing posture, nor her bright eyes, she could still discern the good and the bad, the good and the evil, the beauty and the ugliness in the world. When my mother was young, her eyes were so clear. My mother was not stupid at all. If anyone bullied her children, she would fight with all the bad guys and protect her children and grandchildren. Now I am as old as my mother. I often think of my mother's extraordinary spirit when she was young, and what I yearn for is the aura of that time. But now, I can't find anything, only the immortal body that is still cold. When I miss my mother, I "go home often and visit."

My father died early, due to illness on February 23, 1988, at the age of 54. My mother and my father were born in the same year, but she lived to be 85 years old. I wrote a memory article, "My Sun Is No More in My Heart", which was included in my literary collection "Bloodbathed Heart". In the national essay competition for loving mothers, I wrote "There is a Mother in Destiny" and won the first prize.

Now is the real moment to pay homage to my mother, if there is no rain to accompany her, the desolation and sadness will naturally be missing. Listen, the annoying sound of pattering rain has woven the whole world into endless sadness and melancholy. The rain in this season should be the rain of longing and nostalgia. The heart that has been frozen for a whole season in the middle of winter will follow the rhythm of the rain beating on the window lattice, brushing away the dust stained on the body, walking into the long alleys, and letting some lonely thoughts bloom fragrant buds in spring.

It’s still a season when it’s warm but still cold. The north wind carries the cold rain, bringing with it the long-lost breath, soaking the ground with longings. Little bits of sadness overflow in the February rain. . In the cold wind and rain, the white paper money was floating in the air. In the smoke rising between the twists and turns, my mother's kind smile emerged, and my mother's familiar wrinkles were happily stretching. Suddenly, the breeze blew by, and my mother's smile disappeared. It was still the tomb as hard as ice, so ruthlessly crossing between my mother and me. My mother and I are only separated by a pile of dirt. However, I was so painfully awake. Isn't that the distance between a pile of soil, that is the far distance between life and death, the distance between yin and yang that can never be seen again.

If possible, I would like to use my years of living in this world to turn back time. I am still the carefree and ignorant young man, but my black hair has turned into white temples, and my mother is still patiently caring for me and doting on my old man who has returned home. It’s just that I know so clearly that all my efforts are just wishful dreams. Those distant times, the past that belonged to my mother, the tranquility, joy and heartache that fell into the depths of time will never come back. No longer coming, and the mother sleeping in the grave will never wake up again.

I carefully dug up the new soil on the grave with my hands, offered incense and sacrifices, and knelt down devoutly. At my gesture, my young son prayed for the rest of my grandma. I really wanted to jump up and hug the pile of cold loess and wake up my sleeping mother: "Mom, why don't you get up? I'm hungry and I'm cooking!" My mother can no longer cook for me, she is dead. When my mother was alive, I thought she was a burden. After I lost her, I miss her deeply. My mother gently stroked my hair with her hands, grinning from ear to ear with her toothless mouth. She said, "My son is hungry. I will cook something for him right away!" However...

Another one The sunrise comes quietly, and when I think of my deceased mother, my heart feels like fine numbness, and there is a sudden and chaotic pain. Fang Fei’s Tomb Sweeping Day is coming soon, and soon after my mother passes away, my family and I will go back to our hometown to visit her grave. At that time, there will inevitably be another kneeling, heartache and crying.

Four

During the Qingming Tomb Sweeping Day, Yin and Yang would hold a grand ceremony here to pay homage to their ancestors, one by one in a polite and orderly manner.

Just like my mother's final destination in life, she is calm, peaceful and comfortable.

The mother-in-law is sleeping among the mountains, her legend shines brightly on the yellowing family tree. I walked past my mother's cold grave, which had no words or monument. My mother and I looked at each other for a long time, sharing her brief life. The infinitely hard-working, virtuous, and kind-hearted mother has now returned to the West, and her long life has been buried in a handful of loess. From my mother’s determined eyes, I can see that my mother is still alive in the hearts of my relatives. Ordinarily, if my mother can live this long, she is already a long life. It is inevitable that my mother will leave, so I can only bury my nostalgia in my heart. If a person dies and cannot be resurrected, let her die, so as not to worry her relatives underground.

Five

There is a song in the countryside that goes well: The trees want to be quiet but the wind does not stop, turning around is a lifetime; I came to this world in vain, don’t repay your loved ones too late; I have no one at the bedside of a long-term illness. A filial son, what a heart-breaking reality; who can perfectly interpret the words "thousands of kindness and love"; a bowl of water for a filial son during his lifetime is better than thousands of tons of ashes in front of his grave; be filial to your relatives and don't talk or use your relatives as a burden; there are good and evil things. Retribution is in reincarnation, ask God who has been spared? ! It is this song that always inspires and motivates my beloved mother.

I lost my mother from then on, lost forever, just like the wind blowing on the treetops, that was my mother’s rhythm, that was my mother’s swan song of life, that swan song, we can never erase it memory. Mother is gone, causing irreparable damage to our souls, and we can only slowly wake up in the harsh winter and prepare for a better life in the future.

My mother passed away and I lost my spiritual support. But when my mother was alive, I had enjoyed maternal love and had no regrets. When my mother passed away, she had a red pine coffin worth ten thousand yuan, a gorgeous and expensive shroud, and her family had prepared everything with great style, dignity and pomp. May my mother rest in peace in heaven. Here, I would like to thank my relatives, my brother-in-law, my sister, my brother-in-law and other relatives for their selfless support, filial piety and dedication to my mother. My mother's blessings come from everyone's understanding, support and concern. I believe God has eyes and everyone will be blessed.

What I want to say is, live in the present, except birth, old age, illness and death, everything else is trivial. Only your life is the most precious in this world. No one cares whether you are still alive, so everyone should be unconditionally confident and strive to live a longer, more free and meaningful life. Life is too short, and you can’t take anything with you when you die. Everything you have now is temporary possession, including your family and children. Everyone you see is acting hard, and they are essentially no different from animals, so nothing in the world is scary. You must live a wonderful life and let yourself go.

I think that if I can miss my mother, I have to live a few more days until the end of my life and draw a happy ending.

Time passes quietly, and we may not meet again in the next life. All that is left are memories. People only have this life and no afterlife. Don't always think that it's still early, don't always think that you are still young, don't always think that there is no disaster or disease, life is unpredictable, the world is unpredictable, no one can control yourself, tomorrow or accident, which one comes first, which one comes later, The only thing we can do is live in the present. Exactly!

Author introduction: Yin Tiantang, whose pen name is Yin Fu, is originally from Xinyang County, Henan Province. A civil servant in the Natural Resources and Planning Bureau of Zhumadian City, his online name is Flying Eagle. He is an army officer who has changed his career. He studies classics and history in his spare time. He joined the Chinese Prose Society in March 2017 and the Henan Writers Association in June 1996. He is the chairman of the System Writers Association and the vice chairman of the Xinyang Writers Association. Hundreds of novels and essays have been published online and in print publications, and he has won several awards. He is the author of books such as "The Biography of Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai", "The Speed ​​of Life", and "The Secret History of Mrs. Xi".