Grandma told me lies
My grandma didn’t know a word of Chinese characters, but when I was very young, she taught me to memorize "Hundred Family Surnames" and "The Truth". I loved them very much at the time, and I still do the same even now. Many years have passed, and I can still remember some of them until now. Although she is illiterate, she can memorize "Hundred Family Surnames" and "The Truth" word for word from beginning to end, which shows how amazing grandma's memory is.
? ——"Hundred Family Surnames"
? ——"Republic of China Embroidered Portraits"
When my grandma was alive, she told me There were a lot of blind (pronounced bai, pronounced as xiá) words (dialect, which means legends and fairy tales), but because I was still young at that time, I don’t remember many of them. There was only one lie, but it left a deep impression on me. Although I cannot recite it completely, I can remember the general content. This lie is called "The Old Fart's Story", and I guess many of my friends have heard it told by people of the older generation. Maybe it's because I was too scared at the time. This lie has been a shadow of my childhood for a long time.
In order to restore this wonderful lie, and also to restore the scene when my grandma told me this lie when I was a child, I specifically mentioned it to my mother-in-law. Surprisingly, my mother-in-law still remembered this lie. Son, she said she also heard what her mother said. So——
Grandma was wearing a black double-breasted jacket, sitting cross-legged on the kang steadily, her hair was tied up, and she was combing her hair in a "gao daguoer" (similar to the ancient bun). Just started talking.
It is said that in ancient times, there was a family who gave birth to four daughters. The husband died early, and the wife led the four daughters to live alone. The eldest daughter was named Broomstick, the second daughter was called Broomstick, the third daughter was called Menjianzi, and the fourth daughter was called Ruth (liào).
The names given to the four daughters of this family are very down-to-earth, and they are very consistent with the rural scene when we were young, so I was attracted by this lie from the beginning, and stared at grandma intently, as if grandma A single word spoken suddenly would make my little heart beat fast.
"One day, the children's grandma celebrated her birthday, and my mother said to the children: 'You guys take good care of the house, and I will go and celebrate grandma's birthday.' So my mother carried a vegetable basket and birthday gifts and went out. I met an "old fart" on the road. The old fart turned into a rural woman and walked over with a smile. "Sister-in-law, where are you going?" the old fart said. "Haha, I'm here to celebrate the birthday of the child's grandma," the mother said with a smile. "Didn't you bring some longevity peaches to her grandma?" The old fart asked. "Yes, I brought them this year." There are plenty of them." Mom said, opening the basket for the old fart to see. The old fart was extremely happy when she looked at the longevity peaches and longevity fruits in the basket, thinking about how she could eat them. Where is the fruit? So she asked hypocritically: "Sister-in-law, how many people are in your family, and where do they live?" My mother said, "My family lives in the widow's village. My husband passed away early, and I took care of my four daughters." The mother was so happy that she told the old fart everything about her family. The old fart was very happy and quickly came up with a weird idea. ‘Sister-in-law, there’s a louse on your neck. ’ said the old fart cryptically. 'Yeah? No way, I just combed my hair this morning! Please help me get it. ’ My mother was very surprised. The old fart crawled behind my mother and bit her neck in one bite..."
"The old fart quickly ate up all the longevity peaches and fruits in the basket, put on my mother's clothes, and turned into a mother. With a swaggering appearance, he came to the Widow Village and found this house according to what his mother said. It was already nightfall.
Boom, boom, boom, the old fart knocked on the door, shouting: 'Broomsticks, broomsticks, door latch, ruthenium, come and open the door for me! ’ The eldest daughter ran over and took a look and said, ‘You are not my mother! My mother has no tail! ’ The old fart muttered, ‘No, your grandma gave my mother a bundle of hemp. I had no place to take it, so I put it behind my butt. ’ He said and wagged his big tail, and the eldest daughter believed it. The second daughter hurriedly ran over and said, ‘You are not my mother! My mother has no hair, look at you, she has hair all over her body! ’ The old fart quickly said: ‘No, it’s your grandma who gave me a leather jacket and leather pants because she was afraid that I would be cold. ’ As he spoke, he shook the dirt off his body, and the second daughter believed it. The third daughter hurriedly ran over and said, ‘You are not my mother! My mother has a mole on her face, but you don’t! ’ The old fart quickly acted: ‘A gust of wind comes from the east, a gust of wind comes from the west, and a piece of buckwheat star comes. Grab one and put it on your face to see if I am your mother! ’ The old fart got angry. The little girl hurriedly ran over and said, ‘Mom makes you angry, please open the door and let me in! ’ The old fart has really come in! He sat down on the kang and said, "My eldest daughter, come and sleep with me!" ’ The eldest daughter said, ‘My liver hurts. ’ ‘Then the second daughter comes to sleep with my mother! ’ The second daughter said, ‘I have a headache. ’ ‘Those three girls come to sleep with me! ’ The third girl said, ‘My butt hurts. ’ ‘The little girl comes to sleep with me! ’ The little girl was honest and happy, hugging the pillow and sleeping with the old fart. "
"It was late at night, and the eldest daughter couldn't fall asleep. Suddenly she heard the sound of chewing something, and she quietly pushed her second and third sisters to wake up. A few people listened carefully, ah! It turned out that the old fart was eating. What can she eat in the middle of the night? The eldest daughter asked softly: "Mom, what are you eating?" ’ ‘Hi——’, the old fart didn’t want to answer. ‘Mom, tell me, what are you eating? ’ The eldest daughter asked further. The old fart said: "Begging here and there for a radish root to soothe my cough." The eldest daughter said: "Then give me one to eat." ’ The old fart was helpless, broke off something and handed it to the eldest daughter, ‘Then I’ll give you one to eat. ’ The eldest daughter took it and took a look, and was shocked. This, this, isn’t this my little sister’s finger? The eldest daughter, the second daughter, and the third daughter were all so frightened that they broke out in cold sweats, and the old fart was so stupid that he didn't notice it. After a while, the eldest daughter said, ‘Mom, I need to pee. ’ The second daughter quickly said, ‘Mom, I need to pee too. ’ The third daughter said, ‘I want it too. ’ The old fart said impatiently: ‘Go to the door and pee. ’ The eldest daughter said: ‘There is a gatekeeper at the door. ’ ‘Go pee under the stove. ’ ‘There is the Kitchen King God under the stove. ’ ‘Go and urinate under the edge of the kang. ’ ‘There is a night wandering god under the edge of the kang. ’ After asking and answering questions like this, the old fart became really impatient. “Go pee outside!” the old fart shouted angrily. The three girls were so happy that they ran out quickly. "
"This old fart -"
Grandma's pause made me anxious. "Grandma, tell me quickly, what happened to the old fart? ”
Grandma scratched the backbone a few times with a tickle rake. , and then said: "This old fart, I waited and waited but no one came back. Where did these three dead girls go? No, I have to go find them. So, the old fart wriggled his fat butt and went to the ground, mumbling, 'You still dare to run? See if I eat you. ’ As he was talking, he came to a big tree. When he looked up, he found that the three girls were all in the tree! The old fart was furious: 'What a damn old bastard, let's see if I can eat you! ’ Then he climbed up the tree. The second daughter was still clever: "Mom, you are old and your bones are too heavy to get up. You go back and get a rope and a basket, and we can drag you up." ’ The old fart was very happy when he heard this and hurried home. Don't tell me, there really is a rope and a basket at home. The old fart took the rope and basket and happily came to the big tree, "Which one of you is dragging me?" ’ the old fart asked carelessly. Of course the eldest daughter cannot lag behind, "Mom, I'll pull you." ’ The old fart tied one end of the rope to the basket and threw the other end to the tree. The eldest daughter held it in her hand. The old fart sat down in the basket with great joy. The eldest daughter pulled hard, and pulled hard, and she was about to reach the tree. When she let go, it plopped! The old fart squatted and fell to the ground, ‘Ouch! It hit me. ’ The old fart was about to get angry when the second daughter said with a smile: ‘Oh, eldest sister, why are you so careless? Did you see your mother falling? Mom, let me pull you. ’ The old fart suppressed his anger and sat down in the basket again.
The second daughter pulled hard, and pulled hard, and when she saw the tree was on the tree, she let go again, oh! The old fart screamed, and this time he fell harder than the last time. The old fart became angry, and the third daughter quickly laughed with her, "Why are you so careless?" Look at mine this time. ’ Although the old fart was unhappy, he was still lucky: ‘Then I’ll trust you again and don’t throw me down again. ’ Well, while the third girl was perfunctory, she pulled up hard, and pulled, and pulled, and almost reached the tree again. When she let go, bang! At this time, the old fart's waist was almost broken. He was limping and muttering: 'What a fucking old bastard! See if I eat you tonight! ’ He walked away angrily. "
"The three girls came down from the tree, hugging each other and crying. They cried so sadly! At this time, a white-haired old woman passed by and saw that they were crying sadly, so she asked: "Children, why are you crying so sadly?" ’ The eldest daughter said: ‘The old fart is coming to eat us tonight. ’ The old lady said, ‘Don’t be afraid. I have a few things for you. Follow my instructions: here is a roller, put it under the threshold. This has a mallet hanging on the threshold. Here is a tortoise in a water vat, and here is an egg buried in a brazier. There is a box of matches (matches) on the stove. Here is a pair of scissors, placed under the kang mat. You hide in the back room and don't come out. Everything will be fine. '"
"The three girls did as the old lady said. They put the roller under the threshold, hung the mallet on the threshold, put the tortoise in the water tank, and put the eggs Buried in a brazier. Put the match on the stove and the scissors under the kang mat. They all hid in the back room and did not dare to come out. "
"It was late at night, and I heard outside, wu-wu-a black wind was blowing, and the old fart was really coming dragging his big tail. As soon as you enter the house, bang! I tripped over the roller. Ouch! What? Go to the stove to get a match, light a fire and have a look. Unexpectedly, your beard is set on fire! What kind of match is this? It must be fake! Fortunately, there is a brazier. I lighted the fire and illuminated it, but it collapsed! The eggs in the brazier exploded, blinding the old fart. Oops! It hurts like hell. The old fart hurriedly went to the water tank to scoop water and wanted to wash his eyes, ah! The bastard bit off his finger. oops! See blood! Find something to pack quickly! As soon as the kang mat was lifted, thump! The scissors cut off the fingers of the other hand! It hurts! It’s amazing! Run! The old fart hurriedly ran out. He tripped on a roller and fell down. He was hit in the head with a mallet. Look, the old fart was out of breath! "
"The old fart is dead, these guys are happy. Bang Chui said: ‘Ding Dang Ding Dang deserves a beating! ’ Luozi said: ‘Zhituizhetui deserves a beating! ’ The tortoise said: ‘Guagua deserves to be beaten! ’ Scissors said: ‘Dang, Deng, Deng, it’s time to hit! ’ The egg said: ‘Gabeng, gabeng, it’s time to beat it! ’ Yanghuo said: ‘Hula hula, it’s time to hit! ’ The three girls came out, so happy! *** Tong said: ‘It’s time to fight! It’s time to fight! It’s time to fight! ’”
“The three girls carried and carried the old fart to the backyard and buried him. Next year, cabbages will grow here. On this day, a shopkeeper came and shouted: "Change your hair with needles, change your hair with threads!" ’ Broomstick said: ‘We don’t have any embroidery needles at home. Let’s exchange two needles. ’ Broomstick said: ‘We don’t have any hair in the house, what can we replace it with? ’ The gatekeeper said, ‘How about we go to the backyard and chop down the cabbage in exchange for two needles? ’ The three sisters ran to the backyard to chop some Chinese cabbage, and said to the salesman: ‘We don’t have any hair in the house. Can I exchange these Chinese cabbages for two of your needles? ’ The salesman said, ‘It’s a win. Let’s go home and cook the cabbage. ’ I gave them two embroidery needles. Then the salesman went home carrying the cabbage. One mile is light, two miles is heavy, and three miles is too heavy to lift. What's going on? The more I walked, the heavier the weight became, and the further I walked, the heavier the weight became... The salesman arrived home very tired. When I got home, I took out the cabbage and put it on the stove fire, saying that I would go wash my face and cook in a while. After a while, the salesman came to light the fire and cook. Hey! The cabbage is gone, but there is a big girl standing in the stove! It turns out that Dabaicai has become a big girl! "
"From then on, the eldest girl became the dealer's wife, and the two of them lived a sweet life! ”
Grandma fell asleep after telling this lie.
I was quite satisfied with the ending of this lie. Later, I checked on the Internet and found that What they said was basically the same as what my mother-in-law said. So, after my intervention, this lie basically ended like this.
I went out to play wildly for a long time, and when I came back I had turned into a mud monkey buried in gutai (meaning dirty in Northeastern dialect). My mother came back from the fields and saw me. He looked so gray and angry, so he pulled me over and gave me a good beating. Then, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law inevitably bickered a few more times. This is what my mother told me.
Of course, this is a story for another day.
——Written in early September 2021, finalized on New Year’s Day 2022